Little Truths

I paid a pychic to tell me my future. She said "You are about to feel cheated."

If the Internet has proven anything, it is that the fanciful, cyber-libertarian notions of "collective intelligence" that can be "maximized" by "dynamic information sharing" were just pure rot to begin with.

How can the future be so hard to predict when all of my worst fears keep coming true?

"You haven't listened to a word I've said in twenty two years. Why the hell would you listen now?" Last words of Richard Cooey, age 41, who was convicted of murder at age 19.

I've seen this Rodeo before.

Stay on the bed. Right in the middle. Don't put your hands or feet over the edge. -- Doctor Who to The Girl In The Fireplace.

Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, a touch that never hurts. --Charles Dickens

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant and waits at the bar for his table. He says to the bartender, "Give me a Stoli with a twist." The bartender smiles and says, "Once upon time, there were these four little pigs..."

The nobler sort of man emphasizes the good qualities in others and does not accentuate the bad. The inferior does the reverse.--Confucius

Seek respect mainly from thyself, for it comes first from within.--Steven H. Coogler

Waste your money and you're only out of money, but waste your time and you've lost part of your life.--Michael Leboeuf

"Today's prayer: Please God put your arms around my shoulders and your hand over my mouth. Amen."

In charity, we must observe that the moose probably does not seem absurd to itself.

Life is no brief candle to me. It is sort of a splendid torch. Handing it on to future generations. --Shaw

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. --Unknown

Enjoy the little things, for one day, you may look back and realize they were the big things. --Robert Brault

I should have known it was time to get in shape when my knees were buckling and my belt wasn't.

The hatred you're carrying is a live coal in your heart, far more damaging to yourself than to them. --Unknown

What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth. --Jewish proverb

Time flies when you're overworked.

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart. And try to love the questions themselves. --Rainer Maria Rilke

A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down. --Arnold Glasow

Kindness is the language the blind can see and the deaf can hear. --Unknown

All happy families are alike, but an unhappy family is unhappy after its own fashion. --Leo Tolstoy

To the outside world, we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time.--Clara Ortega

Human beings are the only creatures on Earth that allow their children to come back home.

Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were. --Cherie Carter-Scott

Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little. --Edmund Burke

One of the strongest characteristics of genius is the power of lighting its own fire. --John W. Foster

Every action must be due to one or other of seven causes: chance, nature, compulsion, habit, reasoning, anger or appetite. --Aristotle

The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials. --Chinese proverb

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen. --Winston Churchill

Be master of your petty annoyances and conserve your energies for the big, worthwhile things. It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe. --Robert Service

Don't bother about genius. Don't worry about being clever. Trust to hard work, perseverance and determination. --Sir Frederick Treves

Troubles are often the tools by which God fashions us for better things. --Henry Ward Beecher

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. --Unknown

You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do. --Henry Ford

I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise          W.C. Fields (1880-1946)

He who has never envied the vegetable has missed the human drama.         E.M. Cioran

There's no underestimating the intelligence of the American public.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Happiness is not something you experience, it's something you remember        Oscar Levant (1906-1972)

"For certain people after 50, litigation takes the place of sex."         -Gore Vidal

If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.         G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

"Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week." ~George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

"To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid; you must also be well-mannered."         Voltaire (1694-1778)

"Religion is a monumental chapter in the history of human egotism."         William James (1842-1910)

"Parades should be classed as a nuisance and participants should be subject to a term in prison."                        -Will (I never met a man I didn't like) Rogers

"If I had my way, any man guilty of golf would be ineligible for any office of trust in the United States."         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

I find television very educational.  The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.         Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

Impiety, noun.  Your irreverence toward my deity.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

In the halls of justice, the only justice is in the halls.         Lenny Bruce (1923-1966)

Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts.  Its's  what you do with what you have left. - Hubert Humphrey

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.          Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

The amount of noise which anyone can bear undisturbed stands  in inverse proportion to his mental capacity.  Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

Journalism is the ability to meet the challenge of filling space. 	Rebecca West

An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition. 	Michael Korda

It does not matter much what a man hates provided he hates something.         Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

If God created us in his own image, we have more than reciprocated.          Voltaire (1694-1778)

Equality may perhaps be a right, but no power on earth can ever  turn it into a fact.          Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)

When an opera star sings her head off, she usually improves her appearance. Victor Borge

Even paranoids have real enemies. 	Delmore Schwartz

My only aversion to vice, is the price.         Victor Buono

If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing.    -Kingsley Amis

If you are an author and give one of your books to a member of the upper class, you must never expect him to read it.         Paul Fussell

I must decline your invitation owing to a subsequent engagement.               Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Principles have no real force except when one is well fed.        Mark Twain (1835-1910)

War is like love; it always finds a way.         Bertolt Brecht (1898-1956)

Know thyself?  A maxim as pernicious as it is ugly.  Whoever observes himself arrests his own development.  A caterpillar who wanted to know itself well would never become a butterfly.                                    -Andre Gide (1876-1951)

Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.                                 -Nicholas Murray Butler

All this fuss about sleeping together.  For physical pleasure I'd sooner go to my dentist any day.         Evelyn Waugh (1903-1966)

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. 	Woody Allen

One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged.    Heinrich Heine (1797-1856)

The way to fight a woman is with your hat.  Grab it and run.    John Barrymore (1882-1942)

"The world began when I was born and the world is mine to win" 	--Badger Clark

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile. 	Albert Schweitzer

I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.       Oscar Levant (1906-1972)

An optimist is a man who has never had much experience. 	Don Marquis (1878-1937)

My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too. Peter De Vries

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated, but not signed. Christopher Morley

The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.       Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

I would like to take you seriously but to do so would affront your intelligence. William F. Buckley, Jr.

"Understand that legal and illegal are political, and often arbitrary, categorizations; use and abuse are medical, or clinical, distinctions."    --Abbie Hoffman, Steal This Urine Test

Abstract art: a product of the untalented sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. 	Al Capp

It is human nature to think wisely and act foolishly. 	Anatole France

The only really happy folk are married women and single men.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

A government is the only known vessel that leaks from the top.  James Reston

Virtue is insufficient temptation.        George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. 	H.L. Mencken

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.       Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

Thank heavens the sun has gone in, and I don't have to go out and enjoy it. 	Logan Pearsall Smith

Philosophy teaches us to bear with equanimity the misfortunes of others.        Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Bore, n.  A person who talks when you wish him to listen.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

I have given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.         Oscar Levant (1906-1972)

Golf is a good walk spoiled.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.         James Thurber (1894-1961)

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.        Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.       H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

It may not be that the race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong - but that is the way to bet.	Damon Runyon

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death. ~ William Claude Dunkenfield ("W. C. Fields")(1880-1946)

If at first you don't succeed, try, try, and try again.  Then give up.  There's no use being a damned fool about it. William Claude Dunkenfield ("W. C. Fields")(1880-1946)

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.     William Claude Dunkenfield ("W. C. Fields")(1880-1946)

"The ant has made itself illustrious/by constant industry industrious.  What?  Would you be calm & placid,/if you were full of formic acid?" --O.  Nash,ca1935

"The pig if I am not mistaken/supplys us sausage ham and bacon. Let others say his heart is big/I call it stupid of the pig." --O. Nash

Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Monogamy is the same    Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.       Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

No good deed goes unpunished.        Clare Boothe Luce

It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.         Jerome K. Jerome

A poet more than thirty years old is simply an overgrown child.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

I once said cynically of a politician, "He'll doublecross that bridge when he comes to it"   Oscar Levant (1906-1972)

The more one is hated, I find, the happier one is.    Louis Ferdinand Celine

I'm not OK, you're not OK, and that's OK. 	William Sloane Coffin

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.         Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it's the parts that I do understand.   Mark Twain (1835-1910)

It's silly to go on pretending that under the skin we are all  brothers.  The truth is more likely that under the skin we are all cannibals, assassins, traitors, liars, hypocrites, poltroons.   Henry Miller (1891-1980)

"...Then anyone who leaves behind him a written manual, and likewise anyone who receives it, in the belief that such writing will be clear and certain, must be exceedingly simple-minded..."   Plato, _Phaedrus_

I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.        Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.      John Barrymore (1882-1942)

The chief obstacle to the progress of the human race is the human race. Don Marquis (1878-1937)

Happiness is the perpetual possession of being well deceived. Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)

Dinner theater is anti-culture. John Simon

Virtue has never been as respectable as money.       Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.     John Barrymore (1882-1942)

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs the torments of man.      Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

Humanity is not a gift of nature,  it is a spiritual achievement to be earned. 	 Richard Bach

There is nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation. 	John Ciardi

Living in California adds ten years to a man's life.  And those extra ten years I'd like to spent in New York. 	Harry Ruby

Posterity is as likely to be wrong as anybody else. Heywood Broun

The history of ideas is the history of the grudges of solitary men. 	E.M. Cioran

A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.       H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

One of the serious obstacles to the improvement of our race is indiscriminate charity. Andrew Carnegie

Children should neither be seen nor heard from - ever again.    W.C. Fields (1880-1946)

Television is for appearing on - not for looking at.       Noel Coward (1899-1973)

The country has charms only for those not obliged to stay there.  Edouard Manet

The basis of optimism is sheer terror.     Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

The Irish are a fair people - they never speak well of one another.     Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on.        Oscar Levant (1906-1972)

If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies. Fran Lebowitz

I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.         Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

The average trade book has a shelf life of between milk and yogurt, except for books by any member of the Irving Wallace family - they have preservatives.Calvin Trillin

There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. Ross MacDonald

It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen

Chastity:  the most unnatural of the sexual perversions. Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than going to the garage makes you a car. Laurence J. Peter

A man must properly pay the fiddler.  In my case it so happened that a whole symphony orchestra had to be subsidized.  John Barrymore (1882-1942)

Democracy:  The substitution of election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.      George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

New York: where everyone mutinies but no one deserts. Harry Hershfield

England has forty-two religions and only two sauces.      Voltaire (1694-1778)

My heart is pure as the driven slush.    Tallulah Bankhead (1903-1968)

God heals, and the doctor takes the fee. Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

Don't overestimate the decency of the human race.        H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Humility is no substitute for a good personality. Fran Lebowitz

I find that when I do not think of myself I do not think at all.        Jules Renard (1864-1910)

Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position     ridiculous, and the expense damnable. Lord Chesterfield (1694-1773)

Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.        Mark Twain (1835-1910)

You can't expect a boy to be depraved until he has been to a good school.        H.H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. Martin Mull

Faith, noun.  Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel      Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

Exercise is bunk.  If you are healthy, you don't need it; if you are sick, you shouldn't take it. Henry Ford

And who over the ruins of his life pursued its fleeting fluttering significance, while he suffered its seeming meaninglessness and lived its seeming madness, and who hoped in secret at the last turn of the labyrinth of  Chaos for revelation and God's presence?         It was the Steppenwolf

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes.  It involves Russia. Woody Allen

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing.  It was here first."      -- Mark Twain

"A chic type, a rough type, an odd type -- but never a stereotype"   -- Jean-Michel Jarre

When I can no longer bear to think of the victims of broken homes, I begin to think of the victims of intact ones. Peter De Vries

A farm is an irregular patch of nettles bounded by short-term notes, containing a fool and his wife who didn't know enough to stay in the city. S.J. Perelman

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience. George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

What is youth except a man or a woman before it is ready or fit to be seen?    Evelyn Waugh (1903-1966)

That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers. Charles Chincholles

There is one difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist- the taxidermist leaves the hide. Mortimer Caplin

A doctor's reputation is made by the number of eminent men who  die under his care.   George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it.      James Agate

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.      Fred Allen (1894-1956)

"One of these days, the people are going to demand peace of the government, and the government is going to have to give it to them."  Dwight Eisenhower

I believe with all my heart that one cannot be America's president without a belief in God, without the strength that your faith gives you.    George Bush    to convention of National Religious Broadcasters

God must hate common people, because he made them so common. Philip Wylie

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.     W.C. Fields (1880-1946)

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.     Mark Twain (1835-1910)

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.     Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

A critic is a gong at a railroad crossing clanging loudly and vainly as the train goes by.        Christopher Morley (1890-1957)

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists. Jean Rostand

Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. Leonard Brandwein

Real programs don't eat cache.

Remember the generational battles twenty years ago?  Remember all the screaming at the dinner table about haircuts, getting jobs and the American dream?  Well, our parents won.  They're out living the American dream on some damned golf course in Vero Beach, and we're stuck with the jobs and haircuts. -P. J. O'Rourke

The avarice of the old: it's absurd to increase one's luggage as one nears the journey's end. -Cicero

If you speak the truth, have a foot in the stirrup. -Turkish proverb

Every great advance in natural knowledge has involved the absolute rejection of authority.    Thomas Henry Huxley (1825-1895)

Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.     Mark Twain (1835-1910)

The most common of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true.  It is the chief occupation of mankind.     H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon how children do not come into the world.     Karl Kraus (1874-1936)

Nothing spoils a confession like repentance. Anatole France (1844-1924)

Every government is run by liars and nothing they say should be believed. I.F. Stone

Communism is like one big phone company.       Lenny Bruce (1923-1966)

It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich. Alan Alda

"Destiny...is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved" William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925)

"Men have no right to put the well-being of the present generation wholly out of the question.  Perhaps the only moral trust with any certainty in our hands is the care of our own time".              - Edmund Burke

Moderation is a fatal thing.  Nothing succeeds like excess.      Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Australia, n.   A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and  commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.    Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) "The Devil's Dictionary"

"The bonds that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each others life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof."        -- Richard Bach

Health food makes me sick. Calvin Trillin

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.  H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Grub first, then ethics.       Bertolt Brecht (1898-1956)

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away. Nancy Mitford

The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us. Quentin Crisp

Hell is for other people. Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)

To die for an idea is to set a rather high price on conjecture. Anatole France (1844-1924)

Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.        Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality the cost becomes prohibitive. William F. Buckley, Jr.

Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's picture on the back of a milk carton. Anonymous

I don't think Christians should use birth control.  You consummate your marriage as often as you like and if you have babies, you have babies.    -Randall Terry  Executive Director, Operation Rescue

We are totally opposed to abortion under any circumstances.  We are also opposed to abortifacient drugs and chemicals like the Pill and the IUD, and we are also opposed to all forms of birth control with the exception of natural family planning.     -Judie Brown President, American Life Lobby

Sex education classes in our public schools are promoting incest. -Jimmy Swaggart

Women have babies and men provide the support.  If you don't like the way we're made you've got to take it up with God.  -Phyllis Schlafly

I think contraception is disgusting -- people using each other for pleasure.

"For every problem, there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong." -- H.L. Mencken

Maybe this world is another planet's hell. Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

Wife: one who is sorry she did it, but would undoubtedly do it again.      H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

History is a set of lies agreed upon.    Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

It has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain when awake.       Mark Twain (1835-1910)

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawer.     Robert Frost (1874-1963)

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.       Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

The lion and calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence, so why bother shaving?

The wicked at heart probably know something.

Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.

My Lord, my Lord!  What hast Thou done, lately?       From "Without Feathers" by Woody Allen

I do not believe in God.  I believe in cashmere. Fran Lebowitz

Is sex dirty?  Only if it's done right. 	Woody Allen

"Wait here, Audrey.  This is between me and the vegetable." Rick Moranis, 'Little Shop of Horrers'

All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.         Samuel Butler (1835-1902) _Note Books_

Cabbage, n.:   A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.     Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)"The Devil's Dictionary"

Grief is a species of idleness.   Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of a new system.  For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders in those who would gain by the new ones. -Machiavelli

Early to rise and early to bed Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead        James Thurber (1894-1961)

Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  'Yes' is the answer. -Swami X

Democracy: The worship of jackals by jackasses.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Perhaps God is not dead; perhaps God is himself mad.  R.D. Laing

War is like love; it always finds a way.      Bertolt Brecht (1898-1956)

There are three terrible ages of childhood - 1 to 10, 10 to 20, and 20 to 30. 	Cleveland Amory

"The ability to understand a question from all sides meant one was totally  unfit for action.  Fanatical enthusiasm was the mark of the real man."

There is no great concurrence between learning and wisdom       Francis Bacon (1561-1626)

Finance is the art of passing currency from hand to hand until it finally disappears.         Robert W. Sarnoff

If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they wouldn't reach any conclusion.        George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Anybody caught selling macrame in public should be dyed a natural color and  hung out to dry.  Calvin Trillin

Wife: a former sweetheart.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Californians invented the concept of life-style. This alone warrants their doom.        Don DeLillo

God seems to have left the receiver off the hook and time is running out.        Arthur Koestler

It is not enough to succeed; others must fail.         Gore Vidal

"The right to do something does not mean that doing it is right."         William Safire

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

"The government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion."         George Washington

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can.         Danny Kaye

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

If you can't take the heat, get out of the gene pool.         unknown

The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius is limited.         unknown

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.             -- Elbert Hubbard

This was found in another alias and thought it might apply...Rand

"The Syracusans defeated the Athenians on their own turf, the sea."

The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets and to steal bread.     Anatole France (1844-1924)

Conservative. noun. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from a liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.      Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.     -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985

You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.  Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict

Life is a zoo in a jungle.     Peter De Vries

Imagine the Creator as a low comedian, and at once the world becomes explicable.    H.L. Mencken

DISCLAIMER: A society where such disclaimers are needed is saddening. 	Unknown

In a nation ruled by swine, all pigs are upward mobile.         Hunter S. Thompson

I like the word `indolence.' it makes my laziness seem classy.        Bern Williams

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

It's a man's world, and you men can have it. Katherine Anne Porter

I don't want to wrap myself in the flag, because I'm afraid I'll get burned. former Chief Justice Warren Burger

Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.      Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

Here's some words of wisdom sprayed painted on a wall in Berkeley: Bush: Read my labia

The music at a wedding procession always reminds me of the music of soldiers going into battle. Heinrich Heine (1797-1856)

I think of life as a good book. The further you get into it, the more it begins to make sense.        Harold S. Kushner

I'm an idealist: I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way.        Carl Sandburg

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.       Bill Vaughan

I will say this about being an optimist-- even when things don't turn out well, you are certain they will get better.     Frank Hughes

I like children.  If they're properly cooked.       W.C. Fields (1880-1946)

The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person.      VII Putnam

The only possible form of exercise is to talk, not to walk.      Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little. Gore Vidal

Rene Descartes was in this bar, and the bartender asked him "Would you like another drink?" Rene replied, "I think not" -- so he disappeared.

We all learn by experience but some of us have to go to summer school.         Peter De Vries

Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid by education.     Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

Liberal: a power worshipper without power.       George Orwell (1903-1950)

I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time.       Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

"You can convince anyone of anything if you just push it at them 100% of the time.  They may not believe it completely, but they will still use it to form opinions, especially if they have nothing else to draw on."    - Charles Manson

One man's religion is another mans' belly laugh.       Isacc Azimov

Politics is not the art of the possible.  It consists of choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable.        J. K. Galbraith

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.         Logan Pearsall Smith (1865-1946)

For certain people after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.         Gore Vidal

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.         Jules Renard (1864-1910)

History repeats itself; that's one of the things that's wrong with history. 	Clarence Darrow (1857-1938)

The long habit of living indisposeth us for dying.         Sir Thomas Browne (1605-1682)

Sex is the biggest nothing of all time.         Andy Warhol

Canada: A few acres of snow.         Voltaire (1694-1778)

It strkes me as singularly inappropriate for a school to use its students for fund-raising.  It reminded me of the first time I saw a gypsy mother send her baby out to beg.    William Hamilton

Its okay to get jacked up and head out onto the highway, but I've been there and I can tell you that the fast lane is littered with countless smoldering wrecks.         H.S.Thompson

I loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. August Strindberg

If the headache would only precede the intoxication, alcoholism would be a virue.         Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new bureaucracy      Franz Kafka (1883-1924)

When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. Brendan Behan

I can't take a well-tanned person seriously. Cleveland Amory

Sleep is lovely, death is better still, not to  have been born is of course the miracle. Heinrich Heine (1797-1856)

Creator: a comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh.        H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

I was never ruined but twice: once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I won one.         Voltaire (1694-1778)

To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy        MIT Assasination Club slogan

The best years are the forties; after fifty a man begins to deteriorate, but in the forties he is at the maximum of his villainy.        H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.         Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization.         Georges Clemenceau (1841-1929)	(also attributed to Oscar Wilde)

Insanity: aperfectly rational adjustment to the insane world. 	R.D. Laing

Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth. I sat at a table where were rich food and wine in abundance, and obsequious attendance, but sincerity and truth were not; and I went away hungry from the inhospitable board.         Henry David Thoreau, "Walden," the Conclusion

Every creature is better alive than dead, men and moose and pine trees, and he who understands it aright will rather  preserve its life than destroy it.          Henry David Thoreau, "Maine Woods," `Chesuncook'

I think I think, therefore, I think I am.        Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. 	(incorrectly quoted in previous curmudgeon - ed)

Men rarely (if ever) manage to dream up a god superior to themselves. Most gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child.

An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.

Democracy is based on the assumption that a million men are wiser than one man.  How's that again?  I missed something.

Autocracy is based on the assumption that one man is wiser than a million men.   Let's play that over again too.  Who decides?

What are the facts?  Again and again and again -  what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what "the stars fortell", avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable "verdict of history" - what are the facts, and to how many  decimal places?  You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue.   Get the facts!

Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin, the victim can't help being stupid.  But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is no appeal and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.

People who go broke in a big way never miss any meals.  It is the poor jerk who is shy and half slug who must tighten his belt.

The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.   And vice versa.

Beware of altruism.  It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.

You live and learn.  Or you don't live long.

One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.  "Supernatural" is a null word.

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders,  cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly.  Specialization is for insects.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

The phrase "we (I) (you) simply must..." designates something that need not be done.

"That goes without saying" is a red warning.

"Of course" means you had best check it yourself.  These small-change cliches and others like them, when read correctly, are reliable channel markers.

Revolution is a trivial shift in the emphasis of suffering.         Tom Stoppard

Television: chewing gum for the eyes.         Frank Lloyd Wright (1869-1959)

Morality is the weakness of the mind.         Arthur Rimbaud

New York: A third-rate Babylon.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Journalism justifies its own existence by the great Darwinian principle of the survival of the vulgarist.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Advertising is legalized lying. 	H.G. Wells (1885-1946)

If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle. 	Rita Mae Brown

Kill one man and you are a murderer.  Kill millions and you are a conqueror.  Kill all and you are a God. 	Jean Rostand

If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing. 	Kinsgley Amis

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.         Lenny Bruce (1923-1966)

The murals in restaurants are on a par with the food in museums. 	Peter De Vries

Unless you hate your father and mother and wife and brothers and sisters and, yes, even your own life,  you can't be my disciple.         Jesus Christ (0?-32?) if St. Luke is to be believed  ~  see Luke 14:26

The world is populated in the main by people who should not exist.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Man is a dog's idea of what God should be. 	Holbrook Jackson

We have not lost faith, but we have transferred it from God to the medical profession.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

What's reality anyway?  Nothing but a collective hunch. --- Lily Tomlin ---

"Neither liberty nor property is safe while the legislature is in session."

Red is grey and yellow white We decide which is right and which is an illusion.              ---Moody Blues, "Tuesday Afternoon"---

What's reality anyway?  Nothing but a collective hunch.    	WRITTEN  by Jane Wagner,  only spoken by Lily Tomlin.

Freud is the father of psychoanalysis.  It has no mother.         Germaine Greer

Getting out of bed in the morning is an act of false confidence.         Jules Feiffer

"Let's face it...most relationships you have in life don't work out." 	Alex Bennett

Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago.         Bernard Berenson (1865-1959)

Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Anybody can be good in the country.  There are no temptations there.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

I have no relish for the country; it is a kind of healthy grave.         Sydney Smith (1771-1845)

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.         Sam Levenson (1911-1980)

The history of saints is mainly the history of insane people.         Benito Mussolini (1883-1945)

I don't really trust a sane person.         Pro football lineman Lyle Alzado

Whis is it, is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's?         Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter.         Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal.         Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. 	Fred Allen

The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

"Did blind chance know that there was light and what was its refraction, and fit the eyes of all creatures after the most curious manner to make use of it?  These and other suchlike considerations, always have, and always will prevail with mankind, to believe that there is a Being who made all things, who has all things in his power, and who is therefore to be feared."         Isaac Newton 	Sir Issac Newton (1642-1727)

"We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming"     Wernher von Braun commenting on bureaucracy

"If you torture data long enough, it will tell you anything you want !"         unknown

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society.      Miss Manners (Judith Martin)

Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question.         Albert Camus (1913-1960)

What is a man?  A miserable little pile of secrets.         Andre Malraux

Man is more ape than many of the apes.         Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

I have found little that is good about human beings.  In my experience most of them are trash.         Sigmund Freud (1856-1939)

Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal. 	Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

What we call progress is the exchange of one nuisance for another nuisance.         Henry Havelock Ellis (1859-1939)

Progress might have been all right once but it has gone on too long. 	Ogden Nash (1902-1971)

As repressed sadists are supposed to become policemen or butchers so those with irrational fear of life become publishers.         Cyril Connolly

The main difference between men and women is that men are lunatics and women are idiots.         Rebecca West

How can one conceive of a one party system in a country that has over 200 varieties of cheese.         Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970)

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.          G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of  purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.         Fran Lebowitz

Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?       Marilyn Monroe (1926-1962) on being served matzo ball soup three meals in a row

The function of socialism is to raise suffering to a higher level. 	Norman Mailer

God is dead, but fifty thousand social workers have risen to take his place. J.D. McCoughey

"Men have become fools with their tools" 	Thomas Elisha Stewart (1963-)

"Men have become the tools of their tools" 	Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

Is not the whole world a vast house of assignation to which the filing system has been lost?         Quentin Crisp

For flavor, instant sex will never supercede the stuff you have to peel and cook.         Quentin Crisp

Never keep up with the Joneses.  Drag them down to your level.         Quentin Crisp

France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.         Billy Wilder

In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

France was a long despotism tempered by epigrams.         Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)

If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job.         Woody Allen

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.         Alfred Hitchcock (1899-1980)

Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

What is a cynic?  A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.         Miyamoto Musashi, 1645

Clergyman, n. - A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

Lawers are the only persons in whom ignorance of the law is not punished.      Jeremy Bentham

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.         Benjamin Franklin

Whatever their other contributions to our society, lawyers could be an important source of protein.         Guindon cartoon caption

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ---- It would be a good idea to just leave them there.         Unknown

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.         George Orwell (1903-1950)

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.         Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

One of the delights known to age, and beyond the grasp of youth, is that of Not Going.         J.B. Priestley (1894-1984)

When I was young there was no respect for the young, and now that I am old there is no respect for the old.  I missed out coming and going.         J.B. Priestley (1894-1984)

The closing years of life are like the end of a masquerade party when the masks are dropped.         Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.        Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Fishing is a delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes.         Don Marquis (1878-1937)

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. 	H.G. Wells (1885-1946)

Conversation is the enemy of good wine and food.         Alfred Hitchcock (1899-1980)

I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your effort to believe it.         Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.         Jack Paar

I'm a scientist;  nothing shocks me.         Indiana Jones

When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when a tiger wants to murder him he calls it ferocity.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

One murder makes a villain, millions a hero.         Beilby Porteus (1731-1808)

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.         Groucho Marx (1890-1977)           A Day at the Races - 1936

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. 	Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

Fork, n. An instrument used chiefly for the  purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he's supposed to be doing at that moment.         Robert Benchley (1889-1945)

It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do.         Jerome K. Jerome (1859-1927)

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat.         Jane Wagner/Lily Tomlin

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?         Charlie McCarthy (Edgar Bergen, 1903-1978)

Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

A cult is a religion with no political power         Tom Wolfe

There are few minds to which tyranny is not delightful.         Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

I find women with well developed flesh very attractive. The scrawny little things doing commercials on my television set are slightly repulsive -- like famine victims.         Dana Hatch

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.         Emo Philips

A promiscuous person is someone who is getting more sex than you are.         Victor Lownes

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.         Woody Allen

Jesus was a crackpot.         Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh - San Francisco Chronicle 12/17/85

Jesus died too soon.  If he had lived to my age he would  have repudiated his doctrine.         Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) "Thus Spake Zarathustra"

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.         Dave Barry

Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and  disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.          Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

When I hear the word "culture" I reach for my gun.         Hans Johst (c. 1939)

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.          Rita Mae Brown

Critics are like pigs at the pastry cart.          John Updike

Nothing fails like success.         Gerald Nachman

Success and failure are equally disastrous         Tennessee Williams

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.         Bill Cosby

Everyone who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

So little time, so little to do.         Oscar Levant (1906-1972)

Hell hath no fury like a liberal scorned.         Dick Gregory

A pessimist is a person who has to listen to too many optimists.         Don Marquis (1878-1937)

We are given children to test us and make us more spiritual. 	George F. Will

It could probably be show by facts and figures that there is no distinctively native American criminal class except Congress.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Courage is the fear of being thought a coward.  Horace Smith

What is virtue but the trades unionism of the married.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell. 	Philip Sheridan

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. 	Woody Allen

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you and education.         Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)

When in doubt, duck. 	Malcolm Forbes

"Our best work is done when it needs to be."	F. Phelps

Economists are people who work with numbers but who don't have the personality to be accountants.         Unknown

An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.         Will Rogers (1879-1935)

There is no free lunch.         Milton Friedman

A husband is what's left of the lover once the nerve has been extracted.         Helen Rowland (1876-1950)

Mahatma Gandi was what wives wish their husbands were: thin, tan and moral.        Unknown

There is so little difference between husbands you might as well keep the first.        Adela Rogers St. Johns

A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And he answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. And that is Fate?  said the priest. Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. That's all right, said the priest.  I wanted to know what Freight was too.               -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.         Voltaire (1694-1778)

If you want to read about love and marriage, you have to buy two separate books.         Alan King

"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." -- Mario Andretti

"The cowards never start and the weak die along the way." -- Kit Carson

"It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong." --         Voltaire (1694-1778)

Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Sin is geographical.         Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

Like its politicians and its wars, society has the teenagers it deserves.         J.B. Priestley

Philanthropy is the refuge of rich people who wish to annoy their fellow creatures.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.         Bertolt Brecht (1898-1956)

The discovery of America was the occasion of the greatest outburst of cruelty and reckless greed known in history. 	Joseph Conrad

America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is  sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.	Fran Lebowitz

My work is done, why wait? 	Suicide note left by Kodak founder George Eastman (1854-1932)

All right, then, I'll say it: Dante makes me sick. 	Last words of Spanish playwright Lope de Vega on being	assured on his deathbed that the end was very near

I don't feel good. 	Last words of Luther Burbank (1849-1926)

Don't let it end like this.  Tell them I said something. 	Last words of Pancho Villa (1877?-1923)

Go away.  I'm all right. 	Last words of H.G. Wells (1885-1946)

Dying is easy.  Comedy is difficult. 	Actor Edmund Gwenn (1875-1959) on his deathbed

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. 	Laurence J. Peter

Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd. 	Unknown

Psychoanalysis is that mental illnes for which it regards itself a therapy. 	Karl Kraus (1874-1936)

A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car.         Kenneth Tynan (1927-1980)

No statue has ever been put up to a critic.         Jean Sibelius (1865-1957)

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs.         Christopher Hampton

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how its done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.         Brendan Behan

My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.         Peter Stack in a movie review in the San Francisco Chronicle-Jan 2, 1983

Television is democracy at its ugliest.         Paddy Chayefsky (1923-1982)

Television is more interesting than people.  If it were not, we would have people standing in the corners of our rooms. 	Alan Corenk

The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't  make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough. 	Bill Maher

Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one.         A.J. Liebling

Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of being sooner ended.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

It took me twenty years of studied self-restraint, aided by the natural decay of my faculties, to make myself dull enough to be accepted as a serious person by the British public.        George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) (in a letter to H.G. Wells)

I've always thought respectable people scoundrels, and I look anxiously at my face every morning for signs of my becoming a scoundrel.         Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

Few people can be happy unless they hate some other person, nation, or creed.         Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.         Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact they do so.         Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

All movements go too far.         Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy.        F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896-1940)

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.         Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772-1834)

How could I lose to such an idiot?         A shout from chess grandmaster         Aaron Nimzovich (1886-1935)

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.         Frank Lloyd Wright (1869-1959)

How do you like that guy?  Can't run six balls and he's President of the United States.         Pool hustler Johnny Irish on Nixon

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain         Lily Tomlin

If a young writer can refrain from writing, he shouldn't hesitate to do so.         Andre Gide (1876-1951)

Studying literature at Harvard is like learning about women at the Mayo Clinic.         Roy Blount, Jr.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have a paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.         Guy Davenport

Television is now so desperately hungry for material that they're scraping the top of the barrel.         Gore Vidal

Sometimes when I look at my children I say to myself,  "Lillian, you should have stayed a virgin."          Lillian Carter, mother of Jimmy and Billy

Things have never been more like the way they are today in history.         Dwight David Eisenhower (1890-1969)

Almost all reformers, however strict their social conscience, live in houses just as big as they can pay for. 	Logan Pearsall Smith (1865-1946)

Success is the one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

Until a child is one year old it is incapable of sin. 	The Talmud (c. 200)

A statesman is a successful politician who is dead.         Thomas B. Reed

All religions are founded on the fear of the many and the cleverness of the few.         Stendhal

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting  human intelligence long enough to get money from it.            Stephen Leacock (1869-1944)

Youth is a wonderful thing.  What a crime to waste it on children.          George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

There are times when you have to choose between being a human and having good taste.          Bertolt Brecht (1898-1956)

Bibo, ergo sum. - I drink, therefore I am         Fredirect Toyou

Cogito ergo spud. - I think, therefore I yam         Graffito reported by Herb Caen         San Francisco Chronicle, April 24, 1980

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough.  What do you want, an adorable pancreas?         Jean Kerr

Most religions do not make men better, only warier.         Elias Canetti

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

What a beautiful fix we are in now; peace has been declared.         Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821) after the Treaty of Amiens, 1802

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.         Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.         Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.         Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.         W.C. Fields (1880-1946)

If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal. 	Unknown

Vote early and vote often. 	Al Capone (1899-1947)

"An honest election, under democracy, is an act of innocence which does not take place more than once in the history of a given nation." (Jose Marie Gil Robles; speech in Madrid, 1933)

"Voting for the right is doing nothing for it." (H.D. Thoreau, "An Essay on Civil Disobedience," 1849.

Politics: "The conduct of public affairs for private advantage." 		(Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary," 1906)

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.         Plato (427?-347 BC)

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress.  But I repeat myself.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.         Fred Allen (1894-1956)

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.         Fred Allen (1894-1956)

"Rebellion to tyrants is obedience to God."         Thomas Jefferson (Motto on his seal)

"A little rebellion now and then...is a medicine necessary for the sound health of government."         Thomas Jefferson (Letter to James Madison, 1787)

"I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death."         Patrick Henry (Virginia Convention, March 23, 1775)

Dictatorship is without a doubt the most satisfying form of government...as long as I'm the dictator.         Phil Stromer 11/9/90-

Never argue with a fool.  Listeners can't tell which is which.         Unknown

In order to become the master, the politician poses as the servant. 	Charles De Gaulle (1890-1970)

Look for the ridiculous in everything and you find it. 	Jules Renard (1864-1910)

Religion is the fashionable substitute for belief. 	Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Punctuality is the virtue of the bored. 	Evelyn Waugh (1903-1966)

Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. 	Anton Chekhov (1860-1904)

I have seen the hippopotamus, both asleep and awake; and I can assure you that, awake or asleep, he is the ugliest of the works of God.         Thomas Babington Macaulay (1800-1859), 1850

Bad spellers of the world, untie!         Grafitto

Fix this sentence:  He put the horse before the cart.         Stephen Price

I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."  It isn't that I can't toddle.  It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.         Robert Benchley (1889-1945)

A language is a dialect with an army and a navy.         Max Weinreich (1894-1969)

When you don't have any money, the problem is food.  When you have money, it's sex.  When you have both, it's health. If everything is simply jake, then you're frightened of death. 	J.P. Donleavy

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.         Susan Ertz

This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life, you would have received further instructions  as to what to do and where to go. 	Unknown

Life is like an overlong drama through which we sit being nagged by the vague memories of having read the reviews. 	John Updike

Life is what happens while you are making other plans. 	John Lennon (1940-1980)

"The only thing worse than a knee-jerk liberal is a knee-pad conservative." 			Edward Abbey (Vox Clamans in Deserto)

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.	Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

To know all is not to forgive all.  It is to despise everybody. 	Quentin Crisp

The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream: it is a most depressing and humiliating reality.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed.  It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good and not quite all the time.         George Orwell (1903-1950)

What a time!  What a civilization!         Cicero (106-43 BC)

Oh, this age!  How tasteless and ill-bred it is!         Catullus (87?-54? BC)

How little you know about the age you live in if you think that honey is sweeter than cash in hand.         Ovid (43? BC - AD 18)

It is sometimes expedient to forget who we are.         Publilius Syrus (c. 42 BC)

There is no glory in out stripping donkeys.         Martial (40-102)

The school of hard knocks is an accelerated curriculum.         Menander (342? - 292? BC)

There is nothing so absurd but some philosopher has said it.         Cicero (106-43 BC)

A man with his belly full of the classics is an enemy of the human race.         Henery Miller (1891-1980)         Tropic of Cancer  1934

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.         William James (1842-1910)

Let a short Act of Parliament be passed, placing all street musicians outside the protection of the law, so that any citizen may assail them with stones, sticks, knives, pistols, or bombs without incurring any penalties.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

When two dogs fight for a bone, and the third runs off with it, there's a lawyer among the dogs.         German proberb

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.         Don Quinn

When it is a question of money, everyone is of the same religion.         Voltaire (1694-1778)

Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favors.         La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

The Pilgrim Fathers landed on the shores of America and fell upon their knees.  Then they fell upon the aborigines. 		(Anon.)

A ship in harbor is safe--- but that is not what ships are for.         John A. Shedd

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President.  Now I'm beginning to believe it.         Clarence Darrow (1857-1938)

If I traveled to the end of the rainbow As Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me The pot's at the other end.         Bert Whitney

Argue for your limitations and sure enough, they're yours.         Richard Bach

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.         P.G. Wodehouse

"Humidity is the experience of looking for water and finding air."

"Vacuums are nothings.  We only mention them to let them know we know they're there."

"Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother."

"Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun.  But I have never been able to make out the numbers."

"We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.  Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on."

"The main value of tornadoes is yet to be discovered."

"To most people solutions mean finding the answers.  But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up."

"When the fuel in a rocket starts burning gasses rush out the nozzle.  So would anybody."

"I am not sure how clouds get formed.  But the clouds know how and that is the important thing."

"When a wave rolls over on itself it's called a breaker.  Of just about anything I guess."

"Thunder is a rich source of loudness."

"Question:  In what ways are we dependent on the sun?  Answer:  We can always depend on the sun for sunburns and tidal waves."

"Wind is like the air, only pushier."

"Hard mud is called shale.  Soft mud is called gooey."

"You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit.  If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind."

"When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting."

"Rainbows are just to look at not really to understand."

"South America has cold summers and warm winters, but somehow they still manage"

"Most books say our sun is a star.  But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime."

"Isotherms and Isobars are even more important than their names sound."

"A vibration is a motion that cannot make up it's mind which way it wants to go

"Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil."

"Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should"

"Although Edison was once considered a great inventor, we now know of many inventions he overlooked."

"Talc is found in rocks and on babies."

"Our mother Earth has small poles and a large equator because of the tremendous speed as she hurdles through space.  Since we are along for the ride, we also get to be flat at our poles and rounded at our equators."

"A planet cannot have an axis until it can get a line to run through it."

"Everybody leans to the sun in the summer and away in winter.  We are all a little tipsy that way."

"We get our temperature three different ways.  Either farenheit, celcius or centipede."

"Question:  In free fall, how long would it take to reach the ground from a height of 1000 feet?  Answer:   I have never performed this experiment."

Love is a dirty trick played on us to achieve the  continuation of the species. 	W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965)

We have long passed the Victorian era, when asterisks were followed after a certain interval by a baby.         W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965)

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child.  She must be found and stopped. 	Sam Levenson (1911-1980)

It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to  resort to physics or chemistry. 	H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. 	From The Last Goon Show of All

Taoism:  Shit Happens.

Confucianism:  Confucius say, "Shit Happens".

Buddhism:  If shit happens, it is not really Shit.

Zen Buddhism: What is the sound of Shit Happening?

Hinduism:  This Shit has Happened before.

Islam:  If Shit Happens it is the will of Allah.

Protestantism:  Let Shit Happen to someone else.

Catholicism:  If Shit Happens you deserve it.

Judaism:  Why does Shit always Happen to us?

New Age:  Love your Shit, let it Happen!

Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim.        Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

Life is a God-damned, stinking, treacherous game and nine hundred and ninety-nine men out of a thousand are bastards.	Theodore Dreiser (1871-1945)	quoting an unnamed newspaper editor

It is not true that life is one damn thing after another-it is one damn thing over and over.	Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892-1950)

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.	Paul Gauguin (1848-1903)

Men and women, women and men.  It will never work.	Erica Jong

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.	Gloria Steinem

Woman was God's second mistake.	Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.	Timothy Leary

Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.        Mark Twain (1835-1910)

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."	Isaac Asimov

Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults. Thomas Szasz

I know that poetry is indispensable, but to what I could not say. 	Jean Cocteau (1889-1963)

The Holy Roman Empire was neither holy, nor Roman nor an Empire.         Voltaire (1694-1778)

"What we choose to call sanity is a big house where the  mad have no mothers." 	(The Clown Prince of Darkness, correspondence, 1988)

Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.         Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.         Robert Byrne

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.         Henry Kissinger

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

J.P Morgan, when asked what the stock market will do, replied,      It will fluctuate.

As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

He hadn't a single redeeming vice.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Old age is the most unexpected of  things that can happen to a man.         Trotsky

Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them.         Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"

Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage.        H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.         Robert Byrne

If law school is so hard to get through... how come there are so many lawyers?         Calvin Trillin

Missionaries are going to reform the world whether it wants to or not.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

I'm convinced there's a small room in the attic of the Foreign Office where future diplomats are taught to stammer.         Peter Ustinov

I can forgive Alfred Nobel for having invented dynamite, but only a fiend in human form could have invented the Nobel Prize.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

A person in a uniform is merely an extension of another person's will.         Philip Slater

Brides aren't happy - they are just triumphant.         John Barrymore (1882-1942)

We have to distrust each other.  It's our only defense against betrayal.	Tennessee Williams

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. 	Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union. 	Joseph Stalin (1879-1953)

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own. 	Aristotle (384-322 BC)

The gods too are fond of a joke         Aristotle (384-322 BC)

He was a wise man who invented God. 	Plato (427?-348? BC)

Wit is educated insolence.         Aristotle (384-322 BC)

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these 	Ovid (43 BC-AD 18)

Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.         Alfred Jarry

If I didn't have writing, I'd be running down the street hurling  grenades in people's faces.         Paul Fussell

Don't be humble, you're not that great.         Golda Meir

Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them         Madonna

Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe.  For example, there are no solids in the universe.  There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums.  There are no surfaces.  There are no straight lines.         R. Buckminster Fuller

We laugh at honor and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. 	C. S. Lewis (1898-1963)

Live so that your friends can defend you but never have to.         Arnold H. Glasgow

Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting.          Alan Dean Foster "To the Vanishing Point"

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.         Sigmund Freud

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. 	Joseph Heller

The good die young - because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good.         John Barrymore (1882-1942)

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.         Dave Barry

The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them we are missing.         Gamel Abdel Nasser

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.         Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

People are so busy lengthening their lives with exercise they don't have time to live them. 	Johathan Miller

Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. 	Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"

Saint, noun.  A dead sinner revised and edited.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

What can you say about a society that says God is dead and Elvis is alive? 	Irv Kupcinet

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."         Stephen Crane

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.  	Bill Watterson, cartoonist

All my life I said I wanted to be someone...I can see now that I should have been more specific.  	????

I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should. 	Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe (1749-1832)

Neurosis is the inability to tolerate ambiguity. 	Sigmund Freud

I'm free of all prejudices.  I hate everyone equally.         W.C. Fields (1880-1946)

It's said that 'power corrupts', but actually it's  more true  that  power attracts the corruptible.  The sane are usually attracted by other things than power.  When  they do  act,  they  think of it as service, which has limits. The tyrant, though, seeks mastery, for which he is  insatiable, implacable.         David Brin _The Postman_

The will to win is worthless if you don't get paid for it.         Reggie Jackson

In accordance with our principles of free enterprise and healthy competition, I'm going to ask you two to fight to the death for it.          Monty Python

In the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, it's often useful to have a nice, solid piece of wood in your hands.         Ian Faith, manager of Spinal Tap

Democracy gives every man the right to be his own oppressor.         James Russell Lowell

Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

We are born princes and the civilizing process makes us frogs.         Eric Berne

I'm a born-again atheist.         Gore Vidal

Read my lips--NO NEW TAXES!         George Herbert Walker Bush,         Nov. 1988

If the bloodbath must come, then let's get on with it!         Gov. Ronald W. Reagan to the U.C. Board of Regents

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.         Voltaire (1694-1778)

A witty saying proves nothing.          Voltaire (1694-1778)

There are three side effects of acid.  Enchanced long term memory,  decreased short term memory, and I forget the third.          Timothy Leary

Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

"Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; argument an exchange of ignorance." 	- Robert Quillen

Santa Claus had the right idea.  Visit everyone once a year. 		-- Victor Borges

Every government is run by liars. Nothing they say should be believed. 	I.F. Stone 1907-1989

Blessed be the meek, for they shall inherit six feet of the earth. 	The Clown Prince of Darkness, corresponsdence

It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. 	Andrew Jackson

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to  speak it to? 	Clarence Darrow (1857-1938)

"I've had nothing yet", Alice replied in an offended tone: "so I ca'n't take more." "You mean you ca'n't take *less*. It's very easy to take *more* than nothing." 	the Mad Hatter's response to Alice (Lewis Carroll)

Come quickly, I am tasting stars! 	Dom Perignon (1638-1715) at the moment of his discovery of champagne

"Oh well, it's six dozen of one, half the other." 		-Bus Driver, NYC, 19 Dec 1990		 (overheard by my sister)

"A donut without a hole...is a danish." 		-Chevy Chase on "SNL's Weekend Update"

"Never play leapfrog with a unicorn." 		-Benny Hill

"I'm not drunk.  I can see perfectly well that cat coming toward me has only one eye." 		-Benny Hill

"That cat's not coming toward you, he's walking AWAY from you." 		-The little old man from the Benny Hill show.

People are far more sincere and good-humored at speeding their parting guests than on meeting them. 	Anton Chekhov (1860-1904)

Holidays are an expensive trial of strength. The only satisfaction comes from survival. 	Jonathan Miller

Gifts are like hooks.         Martial (40?-102?)

Eat as much as you like - just don't swallow it. 	Steve Burns

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Quit worrying about your health.  It'll go away. 	Robert Orben

In the fight between you and the world, back the world. 	Frank Zappa ( -Dec 4, 1993)

Puritanism is the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

It is better to be quotable than to be honest. 	Tom Stoppard

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

In California everyone goes to a therapist, is a therapist, or is a therapist going to a therapist.         Truman Capote (1924-1984)

Bore: a man who is never unintentionally rude.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

New York is the only city in the world where you can get deliberately run down on the sidewalk by a pedestrian. 	Russell Baker

Happiness, noun.  An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff - it is a palliative rather than a remedy. 	Peter De Vries

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

I knew her before she was a virgin.         Oscar Levant (1906-1972)

We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue than malnutrition.         Alex Comfort

Celibacy is not hereditary.         Guy Goden

"Virginity is in the lies of the beholder." 	The Clown Prince of Darkness

Aliter catuli longe olent, aliter sues. ("Puppies and pigs have a very different smell.") 	Plautus

"The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents."        H.P. Lovecraft

A host is a host from coast to coast & no one will talk to a host that's close Unless the host (that isn't close) is busy, hung or dead         wb8foz@mthvax.cs.miami.edu

"Cover a war in a place where you can't drink beer or talk to a woman? "Hell no!"         Hunter S. Thompson

"Swat my hind with a mellon rind,  That's my penguin state of mind."         Opus

History, n.  An account mostly false, of events unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

Stay outta churches son, all they got the key to is the shithouse.         last words of Mortimer Carsons

I was, and still am, the world's first Atheist.  Can anyone else make that claim?  I thought not!  That's why I am who I am!         God

Reality  is  the  original  Rorschach. 	??????

"The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself"          Sir Richard F. Burton

"Justice is incedental to law and order."         J. Edgar Hoover (1895-1972)

"Reading musses up my mind."          Henry Ford

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? 	Ursula K. LeGuin

If you are ruled by mind you are a king; if by body, a slave. 	Cato, Roman statesman and historian (234 b.c. - 149 b.c.)

Proof by example: 	The author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that 	it contains most of the ideas of the general proof.

Proof by intimidation: 	'Trivial.'

Proof by cumbersome notation: 	Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special symbols.

Proof by exhaustion: 	An issue or two of a journal devoted to your proof is useful.

Proof by omission: 	'The reader may easily supply the details.' 	'The other 253 cases are analogous.'

Proof by obfuscation:	A long plotless sequence of true and/or meaningless syntactically related statments.

Proof by wishful citation: 	The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization 	of a theorem from the literature to support his claims.

Proof by funding: 	How could three different government agencies be wrong?

Proof by eminent authority: 	'I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP-complete.'

Proof by personal communication: 	'Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-complete 	 [Karp, personal communication].'

Proof by reduction to the wrong problem: 	'To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is decidable, we reduce it to the halting problem.'

Proof by reference to inaccessible literature:	The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found in a privately circulated memoir of the Slovenian Philological Society, 1883.

Proof by importance: 	A large body of useful consequences all follow from the proposition in question.

Proof by accumulated evidence: Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample.

Proof by cosomology: The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or meaningless. 	Popular for proofs of the existence of God.

Proof by mutual reference: 	In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in reference B, which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 	in reference C, which is an easy consequence of Theorem 5 in 	reference A.

Proof by metaproof: 	A method is given to construct the desired proof.  The correctness of the method is proved by any of these techniques.

Proof by picture: 	A more convincing form of proof by example.  Combines well with proof by omission.

Proof by vehement assertion: It is useful to have some kind of authority relation to the audience.

Proof by ghost reference:  Nothing even remotely resembling the cited theorem appears in the reference given.

Proof by forward reference: Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author,	which is often not as forthcoming as at first.

Proof by semantic shift: Some standard but inconvenient definitions are changed for the statement of the result.

Proof by appeal to intuition: 	Cloud-shaped drawings frequently help here.

Science is good furniture for one's upper chamber, if there is common sense below. 	Oliver W. Holmes, Sr. (1809-1894)

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not. 	Andre Gide (1876-1951)

What is the matter with the poor is poverty;  what is the matter with the rich is uselessness.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

A clergyman is one who feels himself called upon to live without working at the expense of the rascals who work to live.         Voltaire (1694-1778)

When a true genius appears in the world you may know him by this sign:  that all the dunces are in confederacy against him. 	Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)

In America, through pressure of conformity, there is freedom of choice, but nothing to choose from. 	Peter Ustinov

America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its tail it knocks over a chair. 	Arnold Toynbee (1889-1975)

The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him. 	Jim Samuels

"When I get smitten, I stay smut." -- Charlie McCarthy

The English think incompetence is the same thing as sincerity.         Quentin Crisp

I don't want prizes.  I turned down the National Institute of Arts and Letters when I was elected to it in 1976 on the grounds that I already belonged to the Diner's Club.         Gore Vidal

War is the biggest ego trip of all time.         Molly Wiest

Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure; Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.         Lord Byron (1788-1824)

Didn't I ever tell you? Bumbles Bounce! 	Yukon Cornelius.

...all life is only a set of pictures in the brain, among which there is no difference betwixt those born of real things and those born of inward  dreamings, and (there is) no cause to value one above the other." 	H.P. Lovecraft

You have dreamed too well, O wise archdreamer, for you have drawn dream's gods away from the world of all men's vision to that which is wholly yours,... 	H.P. Lovecraft

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. 	Bellamy Brooks

On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks. 	H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"

Chastity always takes its toll.  In some it produces pimples; in others, sex laws.         Karl Kraus (1874-1936)

If there were a verb meaning "to believe falsely," it would not have any significant first person, present indicative. 	Ludwig Wittgenstein

If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. 	Florynce Kennedy

Disney, of course, has the best casting.  If he doesn't like an actor, he just tears him up.         Alfred Hitchcock (1899-1980)

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It's already tomorrow in Australia. 	Charles Schultz

Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem.         John Galsworthy

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.         Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.         Hunter S. Thompson

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.         George Wald

Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.             Maurice Chevalier

Marriage, n.  The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum  shows that faith does not prove anything.          Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.         G. Gordon Liddy

It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.         Voltaire (1694-1778)

My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked.         Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

It's a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.         Winston Churchill (1874-1965)         My Early Life - 1930

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.         Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

All children are essentially criminal. 	Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic. 	Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

Thank God kids never mean well 	Lily Tomlin

Dentist, n.:         A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)"The Devil's Dictionary"

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--  Did you ever try buying them without money?         Ogden Nash (1902-1971)

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.         Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music.         Vladimir Nabokov (1899-1977)

Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care. 	William Safire

Being perfectly well-dressed gives a feeling of tranquility that religion is powerless to bestow. 	Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), quoting a friend

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak. 	Jay Leno

Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor - unassisted. 	Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)

I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason. 	Paula Poundstone

It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

The family is a court of justice which never shuts down for night or day.        Malcolm De Chazal

Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each day as it comes.         Donald Kaul

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.         W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965)

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.         Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970)

Strip away the phony tinsel of Hollywood and you find the real tinsel underneath.         Oscar Levant (1906-1972)

Hollywood is a place where they place you under contract instead of under observation.         Walter Winchell (1897-1972)

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."         Johnny Carson

"Hello," he lied.         Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent

However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional manner ... sulking and nausea.         Tom K. Ryan

Happiness is the interval between periods of unhappiness.         Don Marquis (1878-1937)

MacDonald has the gift of compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts.         Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis --  Oedipus, Schmoedipus, I just loved Mom."          Anon.

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. 	Paul Beatty

I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me. 	Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"

Alas, I am dying beyond my means. 	Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed

If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it. 	Thomas Carlyle

Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.  	 Beckett

I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients.         Oscar Levant (1906-1972)

Once the people begin to reason, all is lost.         Voltaire (1694-1778)

Those who are faithful know only the trivial side of love: it is the faithless who know love's tragedies.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be - a Christian.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

It is well to write love letters.  There are certain things for which it is not easy to ask your mistress face to face, like money for instance.         Henri De Regnier

What is more enchanting than the voices of young people when you can't hear what they say?         Logan Pearsall Smith (1865-1946)

He who despises himself esteems himself as a self-despiser.         Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

Beware of the man whose God is in the skies.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

George Washington as a boy was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth - he could not even lie.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"All I ask for is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy"

I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.         Charles Schultz

I can't mate in captivity.         Gloria Steinem          on why she never married

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.         Savielly Grigorievitcyh Tartakower (1887-1956)

Exit, pursued by a bear.         Stage direction in Shakespeare's The Winter's Tale (1611)

In San Francisco, Haloween is redundant. 	Will Durst

Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angles to San Francisco live there? 	Herb Caen

There are two million interesting people in New York and only seventy-eight in Los Angles. Neil Simon in Playboy, Feb. 1979

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn's make a sudden move. 	David Letterman

The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.         Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

A man never reaches that dizzy height of wisdom that he can no longer be led by the nose.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

The only man, woman, or child who ever wrote a simple declarative sentence with seven grammatical errors is dead. 	e. e. cummings (1894-1962)  	on the death of Warren G. Harding, 1923

Harding was not a bad man, he was just a slob. 	Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980) Teddy Roosevelt's daughter from Mrs. L. Conversations with Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Ronald Reagan is the most ignorant president since Warren Harding. 	Ralph Nader 	The Pacific Sun, March 21, 1981

"Who's Virginia?" Rose Kennedy when asked why her daughter-in-law Joan lived in Boston while her son Ted lived in Virginia.

"No" President Jimmy Carter's daughter Amy when asked by a reporter if she had any message for the children of America.

I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket. 	Lyndon Baines Johnson (1908-1973)

A bore is a fellow talking who can change the subject back to his topic of conversation faster than you can change it back to yours.         Laurence J. Peter

Cleaning anything involves making something else dirty, but anything can get dirty without something else getting clean.         Laurence J. Peter

The civilization of one epoch becomes the manure of the next.         Cyril Connolly

Civilization exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice.         Will Durant (1885-1981)

The first human being who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization.         Attributed to Sigmund Freud (1871-1922)

I think it would be a good idea.         Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948) when asked what he thought of Western civilization

Jury: a group of twelve men who, having lied to the judge about their hearing, health and business engagements, have failed to fool him.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

He who does not desire power is fit to hold it. 	Plato (427?-348? BC)

There is no law against composing music when one has no ideas whatsoever.  The music of Wagner, therefore, is perfectly legal    The National, Paris, 1850

The prelude to Tristan and Isolde sounded as if a bomb had fallen into a large music factory and had thrown all the notes into confusion.           The Tribune, Berlin, 1871

Children are never too tender to be whipped.  Like tough beefsteaks, the more you beat them, the more tender they become.        Edgar Allan Poe (1809-1849)

Manners are especially the need of the plain. The pretty can get away with anything.         Evelyn Waugh (1903-1966)

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.         H.H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.          Professor Scott Elledge on his retirement from Cornell

A person is never happy except at the price of some ignorance.         Anatole France (1844-1924)

We often forgive those who bore us, but we cannot forgive those whom we bore.        Francois De La Rochefoucauld

There are very few people who don't become more interesting  when they stop talking.         Mary Lowry in the Pacific Sun, November 15, 1985

LOVE: A word properly applied to our delight in particular kinds of food; sometimes metaphorically spoken of the favorite objects of all our appetites.        Henry Fielding (1707-1754)

Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography.         Robert Byrne

A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch.         James Beard

It's so beautifully arranged on the plate - you know someone's fingers have been all over it.         Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine

Obscenity is what happens to shock some elderly and ignorant magistrate.         Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

Under certain circumstances, profanity  provides a relief denied even to prayer.	Mark Twain (1835-1910)

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.	Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.    Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)

Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know He is. 	Jean Anouilh

We learn from history that we do not learn from history.         Georg Friedrich Wilhelm Hegel

Very few things happen at the right time and the rest do not happen at all.  The conscientious historian will correct these defects. 	Herodotus (484-425 B.C.)

Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

We should all be obliged to appear before a board every five years and justify our existence...on pain of liquidation.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern. 	Lord Acton

Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -  he won't encounter many rivals.         Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742-1799)

I showed my appreciation of my native land in the usual Irish way by getting out of it as soon as I possibly could.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

The Irish are a fair people - they never speak well of one another. 	Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on. 	William Burroughs

I don't like principles.  I prefer prejudices.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Conscience and cowardice are really the same thing. Conscience is the trade-name of the firm.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Spring makes everything look filthy. 	Katherine Whitehorn

Screenwriters? Schmucks with Underwoods. 	Jack Warner

The scenery in the play was beautiful, but the actors got in front of it.         Alexander Woollcott

Opera, n. A play representing life in another world whose inhabitants have  no speech but song, no motions but gestures, and no postures but attitudes.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

Christian, n. One who follows the teachings of Christ insofar as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.         Lenny Bruce (1923-1966)

The worshiper is the father of the gods.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Archbishop: a Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Self-respect: the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant - and let the air out of the tires.         Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

If one is to be called a liar, one may as well make an  effort to deserve the name. 	A.A. Milne (1882-1956)

The people are to be taken in very small doses.         Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each day as it comes. 		-- Donald Kaul

Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. 		-- Eric Hoffer --

"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me." - "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) --

Nothing would disgust me more, morally, than receiving an Oscar.         Luis Bunuel

Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.         Oliver Herford (1863-1935)

I don't want to see the uncut version of anything.         Jean Kerr quoted by Gerald Nachman        San Francisco Chronicle 1/2/83

It was like passing the scene of a highway accident and being relieved to learn that nobody had been seriously injured.        Martin Cruz Smith on being asked how he liked         the movie version of his novel Gorky Park.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.         Michael Winner, British film director

You have to have a talent for having talent.         Ruth Gordon (1897-1985)

Yer beautiful in yer wrath!  I shall keep you, and in responding to my passions, yer hatred will kindle into love.    John Wayne as Genghis Kahn to Susan Hayward         in the move The Conqueror, 1956

Sentimentality is the emotional promiscuity of those who have no sentiment.         Norman Mailer

The advantage of the emotions is that they lead us astray.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.         Woody Allen - Annie Hall

Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace. 			      --Amelia Earhart

How could I lose to such an idiot?         A shout from chess grandmaster         Aaron Nimzovich (1886-1935)

One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. 	Chateaubriand (1768-1848)

Minds are like parachutes -  they only function when open. 	Unknown

The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around. 	Herb Caen

Why wouldn't an enhanced deterrent, a more stable peace, a better prospect to denying the ones who enter conflict in the first place to have a reduction of offensive systems and an introduction to defensive capability. I believe that is the route this country will eventually go.         -- Vice President Dan Quayle

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.         -- Vice President Dan Quayle

Mars is essentially in the same orbit... somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.        -- Vice President Dan Quayle

Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.         -- Vice President Dan Quayle,            Hawaii, September 1989

What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is.         -- Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while                    speaking to the United Negro College Fund

You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will always be.         -- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the American Samoans,                    whose capital Quayle pronounces "Pogo Pogo"

We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination  of human rights.         -- Vice President Dan Quayle

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.    -- Vice President Dan Quayle

If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.      -- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican Forum, March 1990

Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.         -- Vice President Dan Quayle

I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith.  It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.     Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Religion is for those who don't want to go to Hell. Spirituality is for those of us who have already been through it.         Anonymous

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say.         Cyril Connolly

Critic, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

A liberal is a man who leaves the room when the fight begins.         Heywood Broun

The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.         Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.         Dylan Thomas

There are times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you.         Peter De Vries

Experience, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

"I saw that all things I feared, and which feared me, had nothing good or bad in them save insofar as the mind was affected by them." 	 Spinoza, Dutch Philosopher

"People and things do not upset us, rather we upset ourselves by believing that they can upset us." 	 Albert Ellis, founder of Rational Emotive Therapy

"Nothing is more powerful than an idea whose time has come." 	Victor Hugo (1802-1885)

""We become what we think about all day long."         Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." 	William Shakespeare (1564-1616)

"People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."         Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

"Change your thoughts and you change your world." 	 Norman Vincent Peale

"There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way." 	 Eykis

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."                   Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"Our truest life is when we are in our dreams awake."         Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed. 		(St. Luke 2:1)

Avoid falsehoods like the plague except in matters of taxation, which do not count, since here your are not lying to take someone else's goods, but to prevent your own from being unjustly seized. 		(Giovanni Morelli)

Noah must have taken into the Ark two taxes, one male and one female.  And did they multiply bountifully!  Next to guinea pigs, taxes must have been the most prolific animals.         Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Man is not like other animals in the ways that are really significant: Animals have instincts, we have taxes. 		(Erving Goffman)

Why does a small tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and substantial tax cut save you thirty cents? 		(Peg Bracken)

The point to remember is what the government gives it must first take away. 		(John S. Coleman)

The avoidance of taxes is the only pursuit that carries any reward.         John Maynard Keynes (1883-1946)

An income tax form is like a laundry list -- either way you lose your shirt.          Fred Allen (1894-1956)

There is just one thing I can promise you about the outer-space program: your dollar will go further. 		(Wernher Von Braun)

The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest possible amount of feathers with the smallest amount of hissing. 		(Jean Baptiste Colbert)

Fashions are the only induced epidemics, proving that epidemics can be induced by tradesmen.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Advertising is the modern substitute for argument; its function is to make the worse appear the better.         George Santayana (1863-1952)

At age 50, every man has the face he deserves.         George Orwell (1903-1950)

I wonder how so insupportable a thing as a bookseller was ever permitted to grow up in the Commonwealth.  Many of our modern booksellers are but needless excrements, or rather vermin.         George Wither (1588-1667)

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.          Lucille S. Harper

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.          Miss Manners (Judith Martin)

Good taste is the worst vice ever invented.          Dame Edith Sitwell (1887-1964)

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.          Tallulah Bankhead (1903-1968)

Nobody's interested in sweetness and light.         Hedda Hopper

I am firm.  You are obstinate.  He is a pig-headed fool.          Katharine Whitehorn

There are more pleasant things to do than beat up people.          Muhammad Ali on the occasion of one of his retirements

Hurting people is my business.         Sugar Ray Robinson

My toughest fight was with my first wife.         Muhammad Ali

The covers of this book are too far apart.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

A novel is a piece of prose of a certain length with something wrong with it.         Unknown

In every fat book there is a thin book trying to get out.         Unknown

A big book is a big bore.         Callimachus (c. 260 B.C.)

This book fills a much needed gap.         Moses Hadas (1900-1966) in a review

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book.  I'll waste no time reading it.         Moses Hadas (1900-1966) in a letter

I have read your book and much like it.         Moses Hadas (1900-1966) (Moses Hadas was a professor of Greek and Latin at Columbia)

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.         Igor Stravinsky (1882-1971)

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.          Kin Hubbard (1868-1930)

I don't know anything about music.  In my line you don't have to.          Elvis Presley (1935-1977)

Even Bach comes down to the basic suck, blow, suck, suck, blow.         Mouth organist Larry Adler

I tried to resist his overtures, but he plied me with symphonies, quartettes, chamber music, and cantatas.          S.J. Perelman (1904-1979)

Cogito ergo dim sum. (Therefore I think these are pork buns.)         Robert Byrne

Cogito ergo spud. - I think, therefore I yam         Graffito reported by Herb Caen        San Francisco Chronicle, April 24, 1980

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --I think I think, therefore, I think I am.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

I think, therefore ackphthh         Bill the Cat

A family is but too often a commonwealth of malignants.         Alexander Pope (1688-1744)

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination.         Christopher Isherwood

I feel a very unusual sensation - if it is not indigestion, I think it must be gratitude.         Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)

I might be President by now if it weren't for this 'queer' thing    Gore Vidal

Solitude would be ideal if you could pick the people to avoid. ~Karl Kraus (1874-1936)

The fickleness of the women whom I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me. George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Marriage is like paying an endless visit in your worst clothes. J.B. Priestley

God is love, but get it in writing.      Gypsy Rose Lee

I believe that the power to make money is a gift from God.    John D. Rockefeller (1839-1937)

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.  Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)

A billion here, a billion there - pretty soon it adds up to real money.    Senator Everett Dirksen (1896-1969)

Money is good for bribing yourself through the inconveniences of life.      Gottfried Reinhardt

A man ought to be able to be fond of his wife without making a fool of himself about her. George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him. Helen Rowland (1876-1950)

A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them. H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Every law is an infraction of liberty.         Jeremy Bentham

When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken.     Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)

Laws are like sausages.  It's better not to see them being made.   Otto von Bismarck (1815-1898)

No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the  grounds that it was human nature. A.A. Milne (1882-1956)

I propose getting rid of conventional armaments and replacing them with reasonably priced hydrogen bombs that would be distributed equally throughout the world.	Idi Amin

What luck for rulers that men do not think. Adolf Hitler (1889-1945)

One of a hostess's duties is to act as procuress.      Marcel Proust (1871-1922)

It is a mistake to speak of a bad choice in love, since as soon as a choice exists, it can only be bad. Marcel Proust (1871-1922)

The only paradise is paradise lost.         Marcel Proust (1871-1922)

I don't think I'll get married again.  I'll just find a woman I don't like and giver a house.   Lewis Grizzard

Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.    George Orwell (1903-1950)

Sigmund Freud was a half baked Viennese quack.  Our literature, culture, and the the films of Woody Allen would be better today  if Freud had never written a word.        Ian Shoales

It is most unwise for people in love to marry~  George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.          Dr. Karl Bowman (1888-1973)

Marriage is like a bank account.  You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.   Professor Irwin Corey

I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.       Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.         Richard Burton

Decency...must be an even more exhausting state to maintain than its opposite.  Those who succeed seem to need a stupefying amount of sleep.  Quentin Crisp

Sleep is an eight-hour peep show of infantile erotica.      J.G. Ballard

Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.     Evan Davis

Mother is the dead heart of the family, spending father's earnings on consumer goods to enhance the environment in which he eats, sleeps, and watches television.         Germaine Greer

I married beneath me - all women do.         Nancy Astor

If I've done anything I'm sorry for, I'm willing to be forgiven.        Edward N. Westcott

The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.         Unknown

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.   Eric Hoffer

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.    Fred Allen (1894-1956)

I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats.  I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.     Neil Armstrong

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.     Redd Foxx

I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise. Chauncey Depew (1834-1928)

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.   Voltaire (1694-1778)

This poem will never reach its destination.    Voltaire (1694-1778) on Rousseau's "Ode to Posterity"

May God defend me from my friends; I can defend myself from my enemies. 	Voltaire (1694-1778)

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.         Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.         Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.         Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.         Georges Clemenceau (1841-1929)

War is a series of catastrophes that results in a victory.         Georges Clemenceau (1841-1929)

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.  Blake Clark

"The Bible is not my book, and Christianity is not my religion.  I could never give assent to the long, complicated statements of  Christian dogma."  Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.     Maurice Chapelain

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.     H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's beloved.         Russell Baker

Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.         Karl Marx (1818-1883)

If only it was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate.         Diogenes the Cynic (412 to 323 B.C.)

I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking",   and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?         Ronnie Shakes

I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse.  I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.   J.D. Salinger

A pessimist thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.      George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

When there are two conflicting versions of a story, the wise course is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.  H. Allen Smith (1906-1976)

Every man is thoroughly happy twice in his life:  just after he has met his first love, and just after he has left his last one. H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is  almost as silly as getting married just because you do.  Zsa Zsa Gabor

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Our ignorance of history makes us libel our  own times.  People have always been like this. Gustave Flaubert (1821-1880)

History is bunk.         Henry Ford

Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

I have a simple philosophy.  Fill what's empty.  Empty what's full.  Scratch where it itches.       Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980)

Socrates seems to be the philosophical napkin with which the ensuing cultural thinkers of history wipe their mouths of pedantic ooze.         Unknown

If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something.         Fran Lebowitz

Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football.    Fran Lebowitz

The opposite of talking isn't listening.  The opposite of talking is waiting.     Fran Lebowitz

All God's children are not beautiful.  Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. Fran Lebowitz

California is a great place to live if you're an orange.         Fred Allen (1894-1956)

Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.  Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

A married man with a family will do anything for money.         Charles De Talleyrand (1754-1838)

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech. George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Few great men could pass Personnel.         Paul Goodman (1911-1972)

Great men are not always idiots    Karen Elizabeth Gordon

There's a great woman behind every idiot.         John Lennon (1941-1980) on Yoko Ono

The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

There is more to life than increasing its speed     Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval George Santayana (1863-1952)

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race. Fred Allen (1894-1956)

I have an existential map.  It has "You are here" written all over it. Steven Wright

Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all. Arthur Balfour (1848-1930)

For the preservation of chastity, an empty and rumbling stomach and fevered lungs are indispensable. St. Jerome (340?-420)

Nothing is so much to be shunned as sex relations. St. Augustine (354-430)

The orgasm has replaced the Cross as the focus of longing and the image of fulfillment. Malcolm Muggeridge

I hate women because they always know where things are. James Thurber (1894-1961)

Has anybody ever seen a drama critic in the daytime? Of course not.  They come out after dark, up to no good. P.G. Wodehouse

The only charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception necessary for both parties. Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried. G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer. Dean Acheson

A detective digs around in the garbage of people's lives. A novelist invents people and then digs around in their garbage.         Joe Gores

Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities.  Truth isn't. Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Truth is shorter than fiction. Irving Cohen

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?     Lily Tomlin

In expressing love we belong among the undeveloped countries.         Saul Bellow

Love will find a lay. Robert Byrne

If all these sweet young things were laid end to end, I wouldn't be the slightest bit suprised.         Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

The affair between Margot Asquith and Margot Asquith will live as one of the prettiest love stories in all literature.         Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)         In a review of a book by Margot Asquith

One more drink and I'll be under the host.         Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.       Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

Favorite animal: steak.        Fran Lebowitz

In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.         Jose Simon

I will not eat oysters.  I want my food dead- not sick, not wounded - dead.    Woody Allen

Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.      Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of  humanity - gunpowder and romantic love. 	Andre Maurois

To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.     Ernest Hemingway (1898-1961)

Why shouldn't things be largely absurd, futile, and transitory? They are so, and we are so, and they and we go very well together.   George Santayana (1863-1952)

We are here and it is now.  Further than that all human knowledge is moonshine.   H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

In the long run we are all dead.         John Maynard Keynes (1883-1946)

People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way to take advantage of them         Anatole France (1844-1924)

We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children?  Well, she and I were.        Mort Sahl

I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery.  I insist on believing that some men are my equals. Brigid Brophy

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.         Paul Valery (1871-1945)

Most of our future lies ahead.         Denny Crum, Louisville basketball coach

The future is much like the present, only longer.    Don Quisenberry

It's a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.         Walter Winchell

Do it big or stay in bed.         Opera producer Larry Kelly

Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian.   H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

People are wrong when they say that the opera isn't what it used to be.  It is what it used to be.  That's what's wrong with it.  Noel Coward (1899-1973)

If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.         Thomas Szasz

Even holligans marry, though they know that marriage is but for a little while.  It is alimony that is forever.         Quentin Crisp

Optimism, n. The doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.     Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

What a strange illusion it is to suppose that beauty is goodness.        Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)

I'm not going to climb into the ring with Tolstoy.  Ernest Hemingway (1898-1961) from a letter

Hemingway was a jerk.         Harold Robbins

Lie Down and Roll Over and 159 Other Ways To Say I Love You      Book title by Erskine & Moran - 1981

One of the advantages of living alone is that you  don't have to wake up in the arms of a loved one.          Marion Smith

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

The Art of Love: knowing how to combine the temperment of a vampire with the discretion of an anemone.         E.M. Cioran

Golf is a game in which you claim the privileges of age, and retain the playthings of childhood.         Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

As long as I am an American citizen and American blood runs in these veins, I shall hold myself at liberty to speak, to write, and to publish whatever I please on any subject. 	Elija Lovejoy (1802-1837)

Newspapers should have no friends. 	Joseph Pulitzer

When vultures watching your civilization begin  dropping dead, it is time to pause and wonder.         David Brower

What grape to keep its place in the sun, taught our ancestors to make wine?         Cyril Connolly

I have to give it to my Jewish brothers and sisters;  There may be only 7 million of them here in America, but they can lobby like motherfuckers.  Say something they feel is anti-Semitic or against the state of Israel and you know about it right away.         Spike Lee

Not everybody has to sing the melody.    Pete Seeger

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.   Robert Graves

Crude, immoral, vulgar and senseless. Tolstoy (1828-1910) on Shakespeare

I know not, sir whether Bacon wrote the works of Shakespeare, but if he did not it seems to me that he missed the opportunity of his life.         J.M. Barrie (1860-1937)

God damn a potato!   Chief Washakie of the Soshone tribe, responding to white  bureaucrats who were trying to convert his people to the settled life of the farm.

One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, there ain't nothin' can beat teamwork.  Edward Abbey

Any person of average intelligence could write a better commentary than he does.  He hasn't covered a story in years. Liz Trotta on John Chancellor

He's a complete and total psychopath.  I don't mean that in the criminal sense, of course, but in a professional sense.  People like that will do  anything to hold on to their jobs.         Liz Trotta on Dan Rather

By definition, a government has no conscience.   Sometimes it has a policy, but nothing more.          Albert Camus (1913-1960)

What once were vices are manners now.  	Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4? BC - 65 AD)

Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible.         Margaret Mead

Canada is a country so square that even the female impersonators are women.        Richard Benner

I do not believe the expenditure of $2.50 for a book entitles the purchaser to the personal friendship of the author. Evelyn Waugh (1903-1966)

A lifetime of happiness!  No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Revolution, n.  In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

No normal man ever fell in love after thirty when the kidneys begin to disintegrate.  H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animals. H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.         Jimmy Cannon (1910-1973)

Truth, in the matters of religion, is simply the opinion that has survived.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Hollywood is a sewer with service from the Ritz Carlton. Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)

Method acting?  There are quite a few methods.  Mine involves a lot of talent, a glass and some cracked ice. John Barrymore (1882-1942)

I enjoy being a highly overpaid actor. Roger Moore

England produces the best fat actors.  Jimmy Cannon (1910-1973)

If you have a job without aggravations, you don't have a job.  Malcolm Forbes

The only way to succeed is to make people hate you.      Josef von Sternberg (1894-1969)

Any new venture goes through the following stages:  enthusiasm, complication, disillusionment, search for the guilty, punishment of the innocent, and decoration of those who did nothing.         Unknown

California: The west coast of Iowa. Joan Didion

The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent.    Mell Lazzarus

The only man who is really free is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving any excuse. Jules Renard (1864-1910)

Since the whole affair had become one of religion, the vanquished were of course exterminated.     Voltaire (1694-1778)

Adultery is the application of democracy to love.      H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Adolescence is the stage between infancy and adultery.        Unknown

What men call gallantry and gods adultery Is much more common where the climate's sultry.     Lord Byron (1788-1824)

Television is a medium of entertainment which permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time, and yet remain lonesome. T.S. Eliot (1888-1965)

Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal. T.S. Eliot (1888-1965)

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. T.S. Eliot (1888-1965)

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. 	H.H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

The only way to reform some people is to chloroform them. Thomas C. Haliburton

The holy passion of Friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.        Mark Twain (1835-1910)

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

In the first place, God made idiots.  That was for practice.  Then he made school boards         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.  Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.     John Morley

One should always be in love.  That is the reason one should never marry.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.        George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Finishing a book is just like you took a child out in the back yard and shot it.    Truman Capote (1924-1984)

Writers have two main problems.  One is writer's block, when the words won't come at all and the other is logorrhea, when the words come so fast that they can hardly get to the wastebasket in time.        Cecilia Bartholomew

When in doubt, have two guys come through the door with guns.         Raymond Chandler (1888-1959)

Henry James writes fiction as if it were a painful duty.        Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Henry James chews more than he bites off.         Mrs Henry Adams (c. 1880)

Henry James was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met.         William Faulkner (1897-1962)

Henry James would have been vastly improved as a novelist by a few whiffs of the Chicago stockyard.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Henry James created more convincing women than Iris Murdoch put together.   Wilfred Sheed

You've got be careful about getting locked into open systems. 	IBM salesman

Lawyer, n. One skilled in the circumvention of the law.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

How to win a case in court:  If the law is on your side, pound on the law; if the facts are on your side, pound on the facts; if neither is on your side, pound on the table.         Unknown

I'm not an ambulance chaser.  I'm usually there before the ambulance.         Melvin Belli

There are women whose infidelities are the only link they still have with their husbands.    Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)

Love: two minds without a single thought.          Philip Barry

The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.   Kin Hubbard (1868-1930)

Phonograph, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

Religion consists in a set of things which the average man thinks he believes and wishes he was certain of. Mark Twain (1835-1910)

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.         Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)

In Biblical times, a man could have as many  wives as he could afford.  Just like today.    Abigail Van Buren

Here's to our wives and sweethearts - may they never meet.     John Bunny (1866-1939)

A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.      Granville Hicks (1901-1982)

A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured  and then quietly strangled.      Sir Barnett Cocks (ca. 1907)

As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.    Josh Billings (1818-1885)

It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you: the one to slander you, and the other to bring the news to you. Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known.         Garrison Keillor

Two people kissing always look like fish.   Andy Warhol

Life is good, if you like that sort of thing. 	overheard in Palo Alto...

Without an adequate theory, reality is irrelevant.         Kent "Sparky" Gregory

If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.         Fashion consultant Robert Pante

Never despise fashion.  It's what we have instead of God.         Malcolm Bradbury

I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.         Gilda Radner

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.         Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

There are times when one would like to end the whole human race, and finish the farce.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not         Fran Lebowitz

Being in a ship is like being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned.         Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it. J. Robert Oppenheimer (1904-1967)

Be as radical as reality.         Lenin (1870-1924)

Whenever people say "we mustn't be sentimental", you can take it they are about to do something cruel.  And if they add, "we must be realistic", they mean they are going to make money out of it.         Brigid Brophy

We had parties that Nero would have been ashamed to attend 	Ronnie Hawkins

It's been through three wives.  To me a guitar is kind of like a woman.  You don't know why you like 'em but you do. Waylon Jennings on his Telecaster

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads.  One path leads to utter hopelessness and despair, the other to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to choose correctly.	Woody Allen

If you take a dog which is starving and feed him and make him prosperous, that dog will not bite you. This is the primary difference between a dog and a man.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Every time Europe looks across the Atlantic to see the American eagle, it observes only the rear end of an ostrich.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

Americans adore me and will go on adoring me until I say something nice about them.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Life is either always a tight-rope or a featherbed. Give me a tight-rope.         Edith Wharton

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animals.          H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Truth, in matters of religion, is simply the opinion that has survived.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

No normal man ever fell in love after thirty when the  kidneys begin to disintegrate.        H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Son, in war times it is not safe to think unless one travels with the mob.         Charles Lindberg Sr. to         Charles Lindberg Jr. in 1917

Never go to bed mad.  Stay up and fight.         Phyllis Diller

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.         Fred Allen (1894-1956)

Divorces are made in heaven.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but because it gave pleasure to the spectators.         Thomas Babington Macaulay (1800-1859)

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.         Zsa Zsa Gabor

First love is a kind of vaccination which saves a man from catching the complaint a second time.           Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)

Of children as of procreation - the pleasure momentary, the posture ridiculous, the expense damnable.         Evelyn Waugh (1903-1966) (I assume in reference to                                   the similar Lord Chesterfield quote)

For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal         Woody Allen

A fishing rod is a stick with a hook at one end and a fool at the other.         Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

The major sin is the sin of being born.         Samuel Beckett

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.         Gloria Steinem

Of course it's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well.         Charles Bukowski

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

I did not attend his funeral, but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved it.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

When a man says he approves of something in principle, it means he hasn't the slightest intention of putting it into practice.         Otto von Bismarck (1815-1898)

I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.         G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

The 100% American is 99% an idiot.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

I like to think of us as Clearasil on the face of the nation. Jim Morrison would have said that if he was smart, but he's dead.         Lou Reed on his band

Speculations and loans in foreign fields are likely to bring us into war... The war-for-profit group has counterfeited patriotism.         Charles Lindberg Sr., 1915

America is the greatest of opportunities and the worst of influences.         George Santayana (1863-1952)

Don't get the idea the I'm knocking the American system.         Al Capone (1899-1947)

Americans are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything we allow them short of hanging.         Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again.         George Miller

Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucini, but sharing the burden of finding the fettucini restaurant in the first place.         Calvin Trillin

Everything you see I owe to spaghetti.         Sophia Loren

I don't trust him.  We're friends.         Bertolt Brecht (1898-1956)

Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.         Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)

My father and he had one of those English friendships which begin by avoiding intimacies and eventually eliminate speech altogether.         Jorge Luis Borges

Scriptures, n.  The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

No, I haven't read the New Testament, but I read the  Old Testament and liked it very, very much. One sheperd to another in a New Yorker cartoon

When a book and a head collide and there is a hollow sound, is it always from the book?   Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742-1799)

One hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.  Graffito - as given in The Penguin Dictionary of Modern Quotations, 2nd ed.

I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library.         Jorge Luis Borges

Favorite color: I hate colors.         Ian Shoales

A man who has never made a woman angry is a failure in life.         Christopher Morley (1890-1957)

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.         Fred Allen (1894-1956)

The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.         Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)

Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.         Laurence J. Peter

You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.         H.H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

A careless speech writer includes the word "paradigm" in President Reagan's  speech on superconductivity.  Yes, he pronounces it "paradijum." 	from _The_Clothes_Have_No_Emperor_ by Paul Slansky

Lawer: one who protects us against robbery by taking away the temptation.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Nobody wants justice.         Alan Dershowitz

Lawers, I suppose, were children once.         Charles Lamb (1775-1834)

A dramatic critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.           Helen Rowland

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.         John Barrymore (1882-1942)

There is not enough religion in the world to destroy the world's religions.         Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

"Make no mistake about it: Operation Desert Storm truly was a victory of good over evil, of freedom over tyranny, of peace over war."         Vice President J. Danforth Quayle,         remarks at Arlington National Cemetery.

Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows.         David T. Wolf

Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth.         Lillian Hellman (1907-1984)

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.         Lily Tomlin

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.         Fran Lebowitz

Straight men need to be emasculated. I'm sorry. They all need to be slapped around. Women have been kept down for too long. Every straight guy should have a man's tongue in his mouth at least once.         Madonna

I hate mankind, for I think of myself as one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.         Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

...a man may be a patriot without risking his own life or sacrificing his health.  There are plenty of lives less valuable.         James Mellon, who paid $300 for a         civil war Union army deferment.

As if there were safety in stupidity alone.         Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

Never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and truth.         Henrik Ibsen (1828-1906)

I epitomize America.         John Denver

I think every woman is entitled to a middle husband she can forget.         Adela Rogers St.John

The only thing good about it is you're not dead.         Lillian Hellman (1907-1984) on aging

Sometimes I get bored riding down the beautiful streets of L.A. I know it sounds crazy, but I just want to go to New York and see  people suffer.          Donna Summer

What people call insincerity is simply a method by which we can multiply our personalities.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers.         W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965)

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.         Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

It means that you have, as performers will call it, 'fuck you' money... All that means is that I don't have to do what I don't want to do.         Johnny Carson on success

It is inaccurate to say I hate everything.  I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency.  This makes me forever ineligiblefor public office.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

You furnish the pictures and I'll furnish the war.        William Randolph Hearst, to Frederic Remington

That's a hell of an ambition, to be mellow. It's like wanting to be senile.         Randy Newman on middle of the road music

Education: the inculcation of the incomprehensible into the indifferent by the incompetent.         John Maynard Keynes (1883-1946)

If you hire only those people you understand, the company will never get people better than you are.  Always remember that you often find outstanding people among those you don't particularly like.         Soichiro Honda

Stupidity is the devil.  Look in the eye of a chicken and you'll know. It's the most horrifying, cannibalistic, and nightmarish creature in this world.         Werner Herzog

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.         Nicholas Chamfort (1741-1794)

The world is proof that God is a committee.         Bob Stokes

Because I'm Jewish, a lot of people ask why I killed Christ.  What can I say?  It was one of those parties that got out of  hand.  I killed him because he wouldn't become a doctor.          Lenny Bruce (1923-1966)

How should they answer?         Abigail Van Buren in reply to the question:         "Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?"

We were married by a reformed rabbi in Long Island. A very reformed rabbi.  A Nazi.         Woody Allen

If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said "No." 	Margaret "Stevie" Smith (1902-1971)

Man is certainly stark mad.  He cannot make a worm, and  yet he will be making gods by dozens.          Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1553-1592)

A pious man is one who would be an athiest if the king were. 	Jean de La Bruyere (1645-1696)

To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Many books today suggest that the mass of women lead lives of noisy desperation.         Peter S. Prescott

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.         Jules Renard (1864-1910)

When I think of the number of disagreeable people that I know who have gone to a better world, I am sure hell won't be so bad at all.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

It was one of those perfect English autumnal days which occur more frequently in memory than in life. 	P.D. James

Being a newspaper columnist is like marrying a nymphomaniac - It's great for the first two weeks.         Lewis Grizzard

We trained hard....but every time we formed up teams we would be reorganized.  I was to learn that we meet any new situation by reorganizing.  And a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency and demoralization.         Petronius Arbiter, 210 bc

How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?         Johnny Carson to Connie Chung

You're aware the boy failed my grade school math class, I take it? And not that many years later he's teaching college.  Now I ask you: Is that the sorriest indictment of the American educational system you ever heard?  [pauses to light cigarette.]  No aptitude at all for long division, but never mind.  It's him they ask to split the atom.  How he talked his way into the Nobel prize is beyond me.  But then, I suppose it's like the man says, "It's not what you know..."         Karl Arbeiter: former teacher of Albert Einstein

Interpreter:  One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.        Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)  "The Devil's Dictionary"

What's the difference between a Dice Clay concert and a Klan rally? Nothing. Trick question.         Bob Goldthwait

I really wonder what gives us the right to wreck this poor planet of ours.         Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.         Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

California, the department store state.         Raymond Chandler (1888-1959)

Historian: an unsuccessful novelist.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

The mistakes are all there waiting to be made.         Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitcyh Tartakower (1887-1956) on the game's opening position.

Moral victories don't count.         Savielly Grigorievitcyh Tartakower (1887-1956)

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.         Savielly Grigorievitcyh Tartakower (1887-1956)

"Years ago my mother said to me, 'In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.' For years I was smart. I recommend pleasant."  - Elwood P. Dowd, "Harvey"

When a woman behaves like a man, why can't she behave like a nice man?          Dame Edith Evans

I only drink to make other people seem interesting.         George Jean Nathan

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart  enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important.	-Eugene McCarthy

Old age is always fifteen years older than I am. 	-Bernard M. Baruch

Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it.         Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

The English country gentleman galloping after a fox - the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Everything in Los Angeles is too large, too loud and usually banal in concept... The plastic asshole of the world.         William Faulkner (1897-1962)

When women kiss, it always reminds me of prizefighters shaking hands.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit         Dwight Morrow

You have to work years in hit shows to make people sick and tired of you, but you can accomplish this in a few weeks on television.         Walter Slezak

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

"The Good Book" - one of the most remarkable euphemisms ever coined.         Ashley Montague

The happiest time of anyone's life is just after the first divorce.         John Kenneth Galbraith

It's a scientific fact that if you stay in California you lose one point of your IQ every year.         Truman Capote (1924-1984)

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.         Unknown

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that  man doesn't have to experience it.         Max Frisch  `Homo Faber'

Art is I; science is we.         Claude Bernard (1813-1878)

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.         Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)

How much fame, money, and power does a woman have to  achieve on her own before you can punch her in the face?         O.J. O'Rourke

Nothing is more intolerable than a wealthy woman.         Juvenal (60? - 140?)

The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed.  Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days."  Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all.  The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation.  Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C).  The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone."  A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C.  We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.  	From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands.         Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)

Both the cockroach and the bird could get along very well without us, although the cockroach would miss us most.         Joseph Wood Krutch

A bachelor never quite gets ove the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.         Helen Rowland

Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is natural to a cockatoo.  George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

The discovery of America was the occasion of the greatest outburst of cruelty and reckless greed known in history.        Joseph Conrad

America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

What a pity, when Christopher Columbus discovered America, that he ever mentioned it.         Margot Asquith

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States.  Ask any Indian.         Robert Orben

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.         W.C. Fields (1880-1946)

Living with a conscience is like driving a car with the brakes on.         Budd Schulberg

In order to preserve your self-respect, it is sometimes necessary to lie and cheat.     Robert Byrne

We don't want to start a nuclear war unless we really have to, now do we Jack?         Group Capt. Mandrake (Peter Sellers) to Col. Jack Ripper in Dr. Strangelove

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.        C.G. Jung (1875-1961)

Half of analysis is anal.         Marty Indik

Why should I tolerate a perfect stranger at the bedside of my mind?         Vladimir Nabokov (1899-1977) on psychoanalysis

Childhood, n.  The period of human life intermediate between the  idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth - two removes from the sin  of manhood and three from the remorse of age.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

A sportsman is a man who, every now and then, simply has to go out and kill something.         Stephen Leacock (1869-1944)

Friendship is a very taxing and arduous form of leisure activity.         Mortimer Adler

Name me an emperor who was ever struck by a cannonball.          Charles V (1500-1558)

I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.         Artemus Ward (1834-1867)

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.         Jeannette Rankin (1880-1973)

Name me an emperor who was ever struck by a cannonball.         Charles V (1500-1558)

Doctors are men who prescribe medicines of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less in human beings of whom they know nothing.         Voltaire (1694-1778)

If I ever marry, it will be on a sudden impulse - as a man shoots himself.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

We cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us, but for ours to amuse them.         Evelyn Waugh (1903-1966)

Thank God men cannot as yet fly and lay waste the sky as well as the earth.         Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)         in Journal, Jan. 3, 1861

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.         Richard J. Ferris, president, United Airlines

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one.  Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.         Benny Hill

The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"         Will Rogers (1879-1935)

The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.         Vice President John Nance Garner (1868-1967)

Traditionalists often study what is taught, not what there is to create.         Ed Parker, Grandmaster, American Kenpo.

I know a mother-in-law who sleeps with her glasses on, the better to see her son-in-law suffer in her dreams.         Ernest Coquelin

I don't believe man is woman's natural enemy. Perhaps his lawyer is.         Shana Alexander

Good taste is the enemy of creativity         Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)

Reviewing has one advantage over suicide: in suicide you take it out on yourself; in reviewing you take it out on other people.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Anybody who has listened to certain kinds of music, or read certain kinds of poetry, or heard certain kinds of performances on the concertina, will admit that even suicide has its brighter aspects.         Stephen Leacock (1869-1944)         in The Mariposa Bank Mystery, 1912

Nobody ever committed suicide while reading a good book, but many have while trying to write one.         Robert Byrne

Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.         Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

I do not say a proverb is amiss when aptly and reasonably applied, but to be forever discharging them, right or wrong, hit or miss, renders conversation insipid and vulgar. 	Miguel Cervantes (1547-1616)

I hate quotations.         Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

Whoever said, "It's not whether you win or lose that counts," probably lost!         M. Navratilova

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.         Andrew A. Rooney

Amusement is the happiness of those who cannot think.         Alexander Pope (1688-1744)

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt toward people we personally dislike.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman  makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.         Joan Rivers

Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.         H.H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows.         Martin Cruz Smith

I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us take our fill of love until the morning.         Proverbs 7:17-18

Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.         Laurence J. Peter

Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.         Frank Dane

In America, anyone can become president.   That's one of the risks you take.         Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)

Too bad the only people who know how to run the  country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.          George Burns

Promise me that if you become a Christian you'll become a Presbyterian.         Lord Beaverbrook (1879-1964) to         Josef Stalin in 1941

I detest converts almost as much as I do missionaries.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on his mother's side.         Stanley Ralph Ross

What if there had been room at the inn?         Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity

Christ died for our sins.  Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?         Jules Feiffer

Religions change; beer and wine remain.         Hervey Allen (1889-1949)

When the doors of perception are cleansed, man will see things as they truly are, infinite.         William Blake (1757-1827)

There is no money in poetry, but then there is no poetry in money either.         Robert Graves

I hope that one or two immortal lyrics will come out  of all this tumbling around.         Poet Louise Bogan (1898-1970) on her love         affair with poet Theodore Roethke

They devoted the city to the lord and destroyed with the sword every living thing in it - men and women, young and old, cattle, sheep and donkeys.         The Book of Joshua 6:21

Remarriage is an excellent test of just how amicable your divorce was.         Margo Kaufman

A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to comprehend his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it.         Israel Zangwill

Immortality is the condition of a dead man who doesn't believe he is dead.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

I have the true feeling of myself only when I am unbearably unhappy.         Franz Kafka (1883-1924)

The world is a prison in which solitary confinement is preferable.         Karl Kraus (1874-1936)

It is a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money.         Albert Camus (1913-1960)

Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your home.         David Frost

In heaven all the interesting people are missing.         Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

The fixity of a habit is generally in direct proportion to its absurdity.         Marcel Proust (1871-1922)

Lawsuit n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

Love:  The delusion that one woman differs from another.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

A man in love is incomplete until he is married.  Then he is finished.         Zsa Zsa Gabor

Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together...         Carl Zwanzig

Alimony: the ransom the happy pay to the devil.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.         Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.         Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity  that would be clearly understood.  Alexander Haig

Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his atlantic with his verb in his mouth.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.

If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.  But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.

SHIFT TO THE LEFT!  SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!

Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift? A: 33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.

Any given program will expand to fill available memory.

God is real, unless declared integer.

If a train station is where the train stops, what's a work station?

Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer.

Real programs don't eat cache.

It was such a lovely day I thought it a pity to get up.         W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965)

The charms of a passing woman are usually in direct relation to the speed of her passing.          Marcel Proust (1871-1922)

Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.         G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't.  That's logic!"         Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (Lewis Carroll) (1832-1898)

Chess is a foolish expedient for making idle people believe they are doing something very clever when they are only wasting their time.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.         Jules de Gaultier

But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.         Bruce Leverett - "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.         W.C. Fields (1880-1946)

There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.         Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

This world is a comedy for those who think  and a tragedy for those who feel.          Horace Walpole (1717-1797)

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.          John Ciardi

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called  upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.          Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Now is the time for all good men to come to.         Walt Kelly

I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!           Paul McCracken

Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored.          George Saunders' dying words

Die?  I should say not, dear fellow.  No Barrymore would allow such a  conventional thing to happen to him.          John Barrymore's dying words (1882-1942)

The cosmos is a gigantic flywheel making 10,000 revolutions per minute.  Man is a sick fly taking a dizzy ride on it.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

One reason the human race has such a low opinion of itself is that it gets so much of its wisdom from writers. 	Wilfrid Sheed

The Puritans gave thanks for being preserved from the Indians, and we give thanks for being preserved from the Puritans. 	Finley Peter Dunne (1867-1936)

The young always have the same problem - how to rebel and  conform at the same time.  They have now solved this by  defying their parents and copying one another. 	Quentin Crisp

In Hollywood a starlet is the name for any woman under thirty who is not actively employed in a brothel. 	Ben Hecht

The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist. 	Stendhal

People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.         Ogden Nash (1902-1971)

Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for.         Ogden Nash (1902-1971)

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--         Did you ever try buying then without money?         Ogden Nash (1902-1971)

The Pig, if I am not mistaken, Supplies us sausage, ham, and Bacon. Let others say his heart is big, I think it stupid of the Pig.

I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's accomplishments.  The front page has nothing but man's failures. 	Chief Justice Earl Warren (1891-1974)

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.	Darin Weinberg

I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade. Golfer Bobby Jones (1902-1971) on being 	told that it was 105 degrees in the shade

If you stay in Beverly Hills too long you become a Mercedes. 	Robert Redford

You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.         W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965)

Americans are the only people in the world known to me whose status anxiety prompts them to advertise their college and university affiliations in the rear window of their automobiles. 	Paul Fussell

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. 	Henry Kissinger

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre but they are more deadly in the long run.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. 	Irwin Edman (1896-1954)

Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. 	Unknown

How is the world ruled and how do wars start?  Diplomats tell lies to journalists and then believe what they read.         Karl Kraus (1874-1936)

Human war has been the most successful of our cultural traditions. 	Robert Ardrey

You can't say civilization don't advance...in every war they kill you a new way.         Will Rogers (1879-1935)

If God were suddenly condemned to live the life which He has inflicted upon men, He would kill Himself. 	Alexandre Dumas, fils

When you leave New York, you are astonished at how  clean the rest of the world is.  Clean is not enough. 	Fran Lebowitz

Awards are merely the badges of mediocrity. 	Charles Ives

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. 	John Kenneth Galbraith

There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good.  Luckily this is not difficult. 	Charlotte Whitton

It is well, when judging a friend, to remember that he is judging you with the same godlike and superior imapartiality. Arnold Bennett

The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place. H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I speak the truth, and they never believe me. Conte Camillo Benso di Cavour (1810-1861)

Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date. Unknown

It is twice as hard to crush a half-truth as a whole lie. Unknown

Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an Art. Charles McCabe, San Francisco Chronicle

Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair. Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

Psychoanalysis is confession without absolution. G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

A cynic is not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past, he is one who is prematurely disappointed in the future. Sidney J. Harris

Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.

There are two ways to write error-free programs.  Only the third one works.

As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free variable."

A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.

Vegetarianism is harmless enough, although it is apt to fill a man with wind and self-righteousness. Sir Robert Hutchison

It is inexcusable for scientists to torture animals; let them make their experiments on journalists and politicians. Henrik Ibsen (1828-1906)

The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".        H. Allen Smith (1906-1976)

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post. George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Winter is not a season, it's an occupation. 	Sinclair Lewis (1885-1951)

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. James Thurber (1894-1961)

I went to a convent in New York and was fired finally for my  insistence that the Immaculate Conception was spontaneous combustion. Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

Contemporary American children, if they are old enough to grasp the concept of Santa Claus by Thanksgiving, are able to see through it by December 15th.         Roy Blount, Jr.

A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn't any Santa Claus, and he's still upset. James Gould Cozzens (1903-1978)

Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty. 	Unknown

... and thereof do I repent:  I only plucked an occasional flower when I might have gathered an ample harvest of fruit -- such are the just grounds for the regrets I have ... 	D. A. F. Sade,  	"Dialogue between a Priest and a Dying Man"

Avarice is the sphincter of the heart. 	Matthew Green (c. 1737)

The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge.         Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

Music is the refuge of souls ulcerated by happiness.         E.M. Cioran

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Pessimist:  One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both. Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

The more violent the body contact of the sports you watch, the lower your class.         Paul Fussell

God is the Celebrity-Author of the World's Best-Seller.  We have made God into the biggest celebrity of all, to contain our own emptiness. 	Daniel Boorstin

All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Year, n.  A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.        Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

Most men do not mature, they simply grow taller. 	Leo Rosten

In our family we don't divorce our men - we bury them.         Ruth Gordon (1897-1985)

I have just returned from Boston.  It is the only  thing to do if you find yourself up there.         Fred Allen (1894-1956)

Social confusion has now reached a point at which the pursuit of immorality turns out to be more exhausting than compliance with the old moral codes. 	Denis de Rougemont

Acquaintance, n.  A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

"Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic." (crosses stream)  "As I thought," he said, "no better from this side." 	Eeyore

The consumer's side of the coffin lid is never ostentatious. 	Stanislaw J. Lec

If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't deserve to have any. Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Behind almost every woman you ever heard of stands a man who let her down. Naomi Bliven

Acquaintance, n.  A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

Women's liberation will not be achieved until a woman can become paunchy and bald and still think that she's attractive to the opposite sex. 	Earl Wilson

There's not a woman in the book, the plot hinges on unkindness to animals, and the black characters mostly drown by Chapter 29. 	P.J. O'Rourke  (commenting on _Moby Dick_)

He grounds the warship he walks on. John Bracken on Captain Barney Kelly who ran the USS Enterprise into the 	mud of San Francisco Bay in May 1983.

I don't understand anything about the ballet; all I know is that during the intervals the ballerinas stink like horses.   Anton Chekhov (1860-1904)

Pleasure, n. The least hateful form of dejection.        Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

You must believe in God in spite of what the clergy say. 	Benjamin Jowett

"Changing a college curriculum is like moving a graveyard--you never know how many friends the dead have until you try to move them!" 	Calvin Coolidge or Woodrow Wilson

Be careful in revising those immigration laws of yours.  We got careless with ours. 	advice given to Herbert Humphrey  	by an American Indian from New Mexico

Chess is as elaborate a waste of human intelligence as you can find outside an advertising agency.         Raymond Chandler (1888-1959)

Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate;  now what's  going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?         Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Actions lie louder than words. 	Carolyn Wells

Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. 	Jerome Lettvin

American husbands are the best in the world; no other husbands are so generous to their wives, or can be so easily divorced. 	Elinor Glyn

Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

The great masses of the people . . . will more easily fall victims to a great lie than to a small one.         Adolf Hitler (1889-1945)

Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. 	Robert Frost (1874-1963)

God created man and, finding him not sufficiently alone, gave  him a companion to make him feel his solitude more keenly. Paul Valery (1871-1945)

God made man, and then said I can do better than that and made woman.         Adela Rogers St. Johns

I believe that much of the world's sorrow is caused by people who are this, but allow themselves to be treated like that. 	Maude - (Ruth Gordon) 	from the movie "Harold & Maude"

Everybody should be able to make some music...That's the cosmic dance!  	Maude - (Ruth Gordon) 	from the movie "Harold & Maude"

The police.....always wanting to play games. 	Maude - (Ruth Gordon) 	from the movie "Harold & Maude"

Vice...Virtue...It's not good to be too moral.  You cheat yourself out of too much life.  Aim above morality. 	Maude - (Ruth Gordon) 	from the movie "Harold & Maude"

Maude - "The earth is my body, my head is in the stars...Who said that?"  Harold- "I don't know." Maude - "Well, I suppose I did." 	Maude - (Ruth Gordon) 	Harold - (Bud Cort) 	from the movie "Harold & Maude"

The idea of.....intercourse.....the fact of your firm....young.....body .......comingling with the.....withered flesh.....sagging breasts...... flabby buttocks.....makes me want to............vomit. 	The priest from the movie "Harold & Maude"  	counciling Harold on his plan to marry Maude

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

The public doesn't want new music; the main thing it demands of a composer is that he be dead. 	Arthur Honegger

Corporation, n.  An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.        Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

Action: the last resource of those who know not how to dream.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

If a child shows himself to be incorrigible, he should be decently and quietly beheaded at the age of twelve, lest he grow to maturity, marry, and perpetuate his kind.        Don Marquis (1878-1937)

The major concrete achievement of the women's movement of the 1970's was the Dutch treat.  Nora Ephron

Sunday:  A day given over by Americans to wishing they were dead and in heaven, and that their neighbors were dead and in hell.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

The only difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you. 	Woody Allen

Death: To stop sinning suddenly. 	Elbert Hubbard

I have always loved truth so passionately that I have  often resorted to lying as a way of introducing it into the minds which were ignorant of its charms. 	Giovanni Jacopo Casanova (1725-1798)

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. 	Brendan Gill

Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago.         Bernard Berenson (1865-1959)

"If I ask a woman if she has suffered sexual harassment, could this be considered sexual harassment?"   	Sally Forth, Jan. 28, 1991

Our Constitution protects aliens, drunks, and U.S. senators.         Will Rogers (1879-1935)

The classes that wash most are those that work least.         G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

As it is more blessed to give than receive, so it must be  more blessed to receive than to give back.         Robert Frost (1874-1963)

An editor should have a pimp for a brother, so he'd have someone to look up to. 	Gene Fowler (1890-1960)

Writing is easy.  All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. Gene Fowler (1890-1960)

The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?         Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

Marriage; a long conversation chequered by disputes. Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1894)

An appeal is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.         Finley Peter Dunne (1867-1936)

If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill always came together, who would escape hanging?         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

It is possible to be below flattery as well as above it.         Thomas Babington Macaulay (1800-1859)

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid. 	Soren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-1855)

My personal hobbies are reading, listening to music, and silence.         Dame Edith Sitwell (1887-1964)

That orgy of wishful thinking that has passed for logic in the present century. 	F.W.  Lawvere

Democracy is the bludgeoning of the people, by the people, for the people.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

It's our fault.  We should have given him better parts. 	Jack Warner on hearing that Ronald Reagan  	had been elected governor of California

Working in the theater has a lot in common with unemployment. 	Arthur Gingold

One should always be wary of anyone who promises that their love will last longer than a weekend.         Quentin Crisp

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the last half by our children.         Clarence Darrow (1857-1938)

Virtue is its own punishment. 	Aneurin Bevan

Honesty: the most important thing in life.  Unless you really know how to fake it, you'll never make it. 	Bernard Rosenberg

Never believe anything until it has been officially denied. 	Claud Cockburn (1904-1981)

Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense. 	Gertrude Stein (1874-1946)

Most people enjoy the inferiority of their friends. 	Lord Chesterfield (1694-1773)

I am a deeply superficial person.         Andy Warhol

Don't jump on a man unless he's down. 	Finley Peter Dunne (1867-1936)

Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious. 	William Feather

Anybody who thinks of going to bed before 12 o'clock is a scoundrel. 	Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

Do Not Disturb signs should be written in the language of the hotel maids. 	Tim Bedore

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad name. 	Henry Kissinger

Henry Kissinger may have wished I had presented him as a combination of Charled DeGaulle and Disraeli, but I didn't....out of respect for DeGaulle and Disraeli.  I described him as a cowboy because that is  how he describes himself.  If I were a cowboy I would be offended. 	Oriana Fallaci

Never forget that the most powerful force on earth is love. 	Nelson Rockefeller (1908-1979) to Henry Kissinger

No one travelling on a business trip  would be missed if he failed to arrive. 	Thorstein Veblen (1857-1929)

Men are the only animals that devote themselves, day in and day out, to making one another unhappy. It is an art like any other. Its virtuosi are called altruists.        H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

A loving wife will do anything for her husband except stop criticizing him and trying to improve him.         J.B. Priestley (1894-1984)

The woman who cannot tell a lie in defense of her husband is unworthy of the name of wife.         Elbert Hubbard

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. 	Rita Rudner

I'm a controversial figure: my friends either dislike me or hate me.         Oscar Levant (1906-1972)

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the party.         Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

What a blessing it would be if we could open and shut our ears as easily as we open and shut our eyes.         Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742-1799)

Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

Ignorance is the mother of admiration. 	George Chapman (1599?-1634)

Giving a man space is like giving a dog a computer: the chances are he will not use it wisely. 	Bette-Jane Raphael

Space is big.  You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.  I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. 	The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Outer space is no place for a person of breeding. 	Lady Violet Bonham Carter (1887-1969)

Men should not try to overstrain their goodness more than any other faculty.         Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

Life is like playing the violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.         Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

Man is the only animal that laughs and has a state legislature.         Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

To fall in love you have to be in the state of mind for it to take, like a disease. 	Nancy Mitford

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Better to have loved and lost a short  person than never to have loved a tall. 	David Chambless

I derive no pleasure from talking with a young woman simply because she has regular features.         Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.         Peter Ustinov

The love of money is the root of all virtue.        George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

To some lawyers all facts are created equal. 	Felix Frankfurter (1882-1965)

I'm no different from anybody else with two arms, two legs and forty-two-hundred hits. 	Pete Rose

Any pitcher who throws at a batter and deliberately tries to hit him is a communist. 	Alvin Dark, former baseball coach

I was not successful as a ballplayer, as it was a game of skill. 	Casey Stengel (1891-1975)

I like a friend better for having faults that one can talk about. 	William Hazlitt (1778-1830)

I do not want people to be agreeable, as  it saves me the trouble of liking them. 	Jane Austen (1775-1817)

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Tell us your phobias, and we will tell you what you are afraid of.         Robert Benchley (1889-1945)

Reverence: the spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

A child of my own!  Oh, no, no, no!  Let my flesh perish with me, and let me not transmit to anyone the boredom and ignominiousness of life.         Gustave Flaubert (1821-1880)

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Honesty is a good thing, but it is not profitable  to its possessor unless it is kept under control.         Don Marquis (1878-1937)

God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world. 	Ed McMahon

The Irish are a fair people - they never speak well of one another         Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

In response to "A little knowledge is dangerous." comes... If a little knowledge is dangerous, where is the man who has so much to be out of danger? 	T.H. Buxley (1825-1895)

The great tragedy of science - the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact. 	T.H. Buxley (1825-1895)

Marriage: putting one's hand into a bag of snakes on the chance of drawing out an eel. 	Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519)

We tolerate shapes in human beings that would horrify us if we saw them in a horse. 	W. R. Inge (1860-1954)

I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. 	Chico Marx (1891-1961)

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.      Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

It takes a wonderful brain and exquisite senses to produce a few stupid ideas.         George Santayana (1863-1952)

The average man does not know what to do with his life, yet wants another one which will last forever. Anatole France (1844-1924)

Everyone would like to behave like a pagan, with everyone else behaving like a Christian. Albert Camus (1913-1960)

When everyone is somebody, then no one's anybody. 	W.S. Gilbert (1836-1911)

No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a dirty little beast.     W.S. Gilbert (1836-1911)

There are few sorrows in which a good income is of no avail.         Logan Pearsall Smith (1865-1946)

It is no disgrace to be poor, but it might as well be. 	Jim Grue

Business is a good game - lots of competition and a minimum of rules.  You keep score with money. 	Atari founder Nolan Bushnell

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission. Fred Allen (1894-1956)

Tristan and Isolde were lucky to die when they did. They`s have been sick of all that rubbish in a year. 	Robertson Davies

Contrary to popular belief, English women do not wear tweed nightgowns. Hermione Gingold

Once I make up my mind, I'm full of indecision.         Oscar Levant (1906-1972)

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and  I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me.         Robert Frost (1874-1963)

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Money is always there, but the pockets change.         Gertrude Stein (1874-1946)

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America.  If I'm not there, I go to work. 	Robert Orben

I am not sincere, not even when I say I am not. 	Jules Renard (1864-1910)

This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Sometimes a fool makes a good suggestion. 	Nicolas Boileau (1636-1711)

All my life, affection has been showered upon me, and every forward step I have made has been taken in spite of it.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

There are two kinds of people.  Those who say there are two kinds of people and those who don't. 	Woody Allen

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.         Plato (427?-347 BC)

Boys don't make passes at female smartasses. 	Letty Cottin Pogrebin

It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly. Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

I make a fortune from criticizing the policy of the government, and then hand it over to the government in taxes to keep it going.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

A dollar saved is a quarter earned. 	John Ciardi

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how littly you have. 	Ernest Haskins

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.         e. e. cummings (1894-1962)

A large section of the intelligentsia seems wholly devoid of intelligence.

The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein; it rejects it. Biologist P. B. Medawar

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything. 	Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe (1749-1832)

I knew I'd been living in Berkeley too long when I saw a sign that said 'Free firewood" and my first thought was "Who was Firewood and what did he do?' 	John Berger

One's need for loneliness is not satisfied if one sits at a table alone.  There must be empty chairs as well. Karl Kraus (1874-1936)

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence. 	Henry Adams

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. Oscar Levant (1906-1972)

He marries best who puts it off until it is too late.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution. Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Resistance  is  irrelevant.  You will become one  with  the  Borg. 	Locutus

In our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

I know what love is: Tracy and Hepburn, Bogart and Bacall,  Romeo and Juliet, Jackie and John and Marilyn.... 	Ian Shoales

Nowadays a citizen can hardly distinguish between a tax and a fine, except that the fine is generally much lighter. G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.         Will Rogers (1879-1935)

The wages of sin are unreported. 	Unknown

To a woman the first kiss is just the end of the beginning  but to a man it is the beginning of the end.         Helen Rowland (1876-1950)

Kissing is a means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other. 	Rene' Yasenek

Oh, what lies there are in kisses!         Heinrich Heine (1797-1856)

They have Easter egg hunts in Philadelphia, and  if the kids don't find the eggs, they get booed. Bob Uecker

Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which  probably never happened and those which do not matter.  W. R. Inge (1860-1954)

Dubito ergo sum - I doubt therefore I am 	Kayvan Sylvan

Forgive me my nonsense as I also forgive the nonsense of those who think they talk sense. Robert Frost (1874-1963)

The continued propinquity of another human being cramps the style after a time unless that person is somebody you think you love.  Then the burden becomes intolerable at once. 	Quentin Crisp

I shall be breakfasted before you are afield.  In short, I shall astonish you all.    	Thomas Hardy (1840-1928) 	Far From the Madding Crowd

Science is nothing but trained and organized common sense. 	Thomas Henry Huxley (1825-1895)

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.         W.C. Fields (1880-1946)

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.         Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)

Man is a natural polygamist: he always has one woman leading him by the nose, and another hanging on to his coattails. H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

There are scores of thousands of human insects who are ready at a moment's notice to reval the will of God on every possible subject.  George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

The impotence of God is infinite.         Anatole France (1844-1924)

One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.         Kin Hubbard (1868-1930)

Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man manages his affairs as well as a tree does. George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

We don't know a millionth of one percent about anything. 	Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)

There are more bad musicians than there is bad music. 	Isaac Stern

Only sick music makes money today. Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900) in 1888

Music is essentially useless, as life is.         George Santayana (1863-1952)

Democracy means government by discussion, but it is only effective if you can stop people talking. 	Clement Richard Atlee (1883-1967) 	British prime minister (1945-1951)

An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie for his country. Sir Henry Wotton (1568-1639)

A communist is a person who publicly airs his dirty Lenin. 	Jack Pomeroy

An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't.         Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)

Judge: a law student who marks his own papers.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Marriage is a bribe to make a housekeeper think she's a householder. 	Thornton Wilder (1897-1975)

I used to be a lawyer, but now I am a reformed character. 	Woodrow Wilson (1856-1924)

I never did give anybody hell.  I just told the  truth and they thought it was hell.         Harry S Truman (1884-1972)

I can think of nothing more boring for the American people  than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.        Dwight David Eisenhower (1890-1969)

The trouble with wedlock is that there's  not enough wed and too much lock.         Christopher Morley (1890-1957)

There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as  soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. 	Clint Eastwood

Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them keeps paying for it. 	Peggy Joyce

Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women. 	Elsa Schiaparelli

You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap. 	Dolly Parton

What you have when everyone wears the same playclothes for all occasions, is addressad by nickname, expected to participate in Show And Tell, and bullied out of any desire form privacy, is not democracy; it is kindergarten. 	Miss Manners (Judith Martin)

No place affords a more striking conviction of the vanity of human hopes than a public library.         Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

Any ordinary man can...surround himself with two thousand books...and thenceforward have at least one place in the world in which it is possible to be happy. 	Augustine Birrell (1850-1933)

I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library.         Jorge Luis Borges

Carlyle said, "A lie cannot live"; it shows he did not know how to tell them.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

A good listener is usually thinking about something else.         Kin Hubbard (1868-1930)

My main reason for adopting literature as a profession was that, as  the author is never seen by his clients, he need not dress respectably.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

She ain't my mother, so I ain't gonna get her nothin'. 	Lee Trevino on a Mother's Day gift for his wife

America: the only country in the world where failing to promote yourself is regarded as being arrogant. 	Garry Trudeau

Something ignoble, loathsome, undignified attends all  associations between people and has been transferred to  all objects, dwelling, tools, even the landscape itself.         Bertolt Brecht (1898-1956) on America

I love America.  You always hurt the one you love. 	David Frye impersonating Nixon

Personally, I think a fetus is about as much a life as a fish on a hook.  Maybe less.  The fish doesn't need to feed off an umbrellical cord.  It's cordless, like my telephone.                                        -- Phil Stromer

Dictatorship is without a doubt the most satisfying form of government...as long as I'm the dictator.         Phil Stromer 11/9/90-

Gas chambers are neat.  They make the guy's bodily functions all let go simultaneously.  Just think, he'll whizz, doodoo, and hurl all at the same time.  It'll be like a Symphony in Gross, D-minor. It'll be like a 600-pound person sitting on his face and farting until  he suffocates. 	Phil Stromer on the Harris execution

Everyone should support the ERA.  Without Earned Run Average, we won't know which pitchers are the best.  :) -- Phil Stromer

So be careful out there folx, Sun is watching.  If you say anything that even remotely resembles political incorrectness, you are taking a chance with your livelihood.  I'd recommend that any employees of Sun do NOT use the USENET for anything other than informational purposes, such as to mention a conference or something along the lines.    -- Phil Stromer

I  passionately hate the idea of being with it.  I think an  artist has always to be out of step with his time. 	Orson Welles, 1966

Thousands have lived without love, not one without water. 	Wystan Hugh Auden (1907-1973)

Logic is like the sword: those who appeal to it shall perish by it. Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

We must believe in luck.  For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like.         Jean Cocteau (1889-1963)

The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in  operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success. Robert Benchley (1889-1945)

The proof that man is the noblest of all creatures is that no other creature has ever denied it. Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742-1799)

Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it.         Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1553-1592)

Autobiography is an unrivalled vehicle  for telling the truth about other people. 	Philip Guedalla (1889-1944)

Muscles come and go; flab lasts. Bill Vaughan

A man's mother is his misfortune, but his wife is his fault. 	Walter Bagehot (1826-1877)

You can be a rank insider as well as a rank outsider.         Robert Frost (1874-1963)

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. Fred Allen (1894-1956)

Only the winners decide what were war crimes. 	Garry Wills

Wars teach us not to love our enemies but to hate our allies. 	W.L. George

The ocean is a body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people. 	Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
	J. Paul Getty

When anyone asks me how I can best describe my experience in nearly forty years at sea, I merely say, uneventful.  Of course there have been winter gales, and storms and fog and the like.  But in all my experience, I have never been in any accident... or any sort worth speaking about.  I have seen but one vessel in distress in all my years at sea.  I never saw a wreck and never have been wrecked nor was I ever in any predicament that threatened to end in disaster of any sort.	E. J. Smith, 1907	Captain, RMS Titanic

To get the attention of a large animal, be it an elephant or a bureaucracy, it helps to know what part of it feels pain. Be very sure, though, that you want its full attention. 	Kelvin Throop

Try to live your life so that you wouldn't be afraid to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. 	Will Rogers

You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.         Stanislaw J. Lec

Of all the unbearable nuisances, the ignoramus that has travelled is the worst.         Kin Hubbard (1868-1930)

Calamites are of two kinds: misfortunes to  ourselves, and good fortune to others.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

There is only one thing a philosopher can be relied upon to do, and that is to contradict other philosophers. William James (1842-1910)

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.         Samuel Goldwyn (1882-1974)

He, in a few minutes ravished this fair creature, or at least would have ravished her, if she had not, by a timely compliance, prevented him.         Henry Fielding (1707-1754), "Jonathan Wild"

I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while!         Groucho Marx (1890-1977) from "You Bet Your Life" 	in response to a man whos reason for fathering 	10 children was: "Well, I love my wife"

No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have - and I think he is a dirty little beast.  W.S. Gilbert (1836-1911)

I don't have a warm personal enemy left.  They've all died off. I miss them terribly because they helped define me.         Clare Boothe Luce

The enemy came.  He was beaten.  I am tired.  Goodnight. Message sent by Vicomte Turenne 	after the battle of Dunen, 1658

I hate the pollyanna pest who says that all is for the best. 	Franklin P. Adams (1881-1960)

The best part of the fiction in many novels is the notice that the characters are purely imaginary. Franklin P. Adams (1881-1960)

The only thing I like about rich people is their money. 	Lady Astor

The richer your friends, the more they will cost you. 	Elisabeth Marbury (1856-1933)

It is the wretchedness of being rich that you have to live with rich people.         Logan Pearsall Smith (1865-1946)

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. 	Lewis Mumford

It's a good idea to obey all the rules when you're young just  so you'll have the strength to break them when you're old.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar's; and unto God the things that are God's; and unto human beings, what?         Stanislaw J. Lec

I like to play saxophone because you don't inhale. 	Gov. Bill Clinton, on a radio talk show in New York

It's nice to see a Democrat blow something besides an election. 	Arsenio Hall, after Clinton's saxophone debut on his show

I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. 	J. Edgar Hoover (1895-1972)

Life changed after that jump...I'd suddenly stepped to the highest level of daring, a level above even that which airplane pilots could attain. 	Charles Lindbergh (1902-1974)	describing his first skydive

In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer.      Mark Twain (1835-1910)

If more than ten percent of the population likes a painting it should be burned, for it must be bad. George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

There is no sadder sight than a  young pessimist, except an old optimist.  Mark Twain (1835-1910)

If we weren'g all so interested in ourselves, life would be so uninteresting we couldn't endure it.         Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.         Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

If Jerry Brown is the answer, it must be a very peculiar question. 	Sen Lloyd Bentsen, D-Texas

I've told you I don't live and die by the polls. Thus, I will refrain from pointing out that we're not doing too bad in those polls. President Bush, in the New Republic

A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, "Hey, look at me, I'm an idiot." 	Dennis Miller, talk-show host

Making music should not be left to the professionals. 	Michelle Shocked

A husband should not insult his wife publicly, at parties. He should insult her in the privacy of the home. James Thurber (1894-1961)

Patriotism is a pernicious, psychopathic form of idiocy.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

There ought to be one day - just one - where there is open season on senators.         Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Nobody said it was going to be easy, and nobody was right. 	President George Bush, quoted in Asiaweek magazine

Get this (economic plan) passed. Later on, we can all debate it. 	President George Bush, to New Hampshire legislators

It's a weird year. 	President George Bush

The world makes up for all its follies and injustices by being damnably sentimental.         Thomas Henry Huxley (1825-1895)

No nation was ever drunk when wine was cheap.            Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

The wine seems to be very closed-in and seems to have entered a dumb stage.  Sort of a Marcel Meursault. 	Paul S. Winalski

I only drink fortified wines during bad weather.  Snowstorm, hurricane, tornado--I'm not particular, as long as it's bad.  After all, any storm for a Port. 	Paul S. Winalski

What profits a man if he keeps his eternal soul when he could have lived life to the full and been forgiven at the end of it all anyway? 	David Merritt, a.k.a. THE RED SHARK

People are much too solemn about things - I'm all for sticking pins into episcopal behinds. 	Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

The best reason I can think of for not running for President of the United States is that you have to shave twice a day.         Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)

If voters don't have a stomach for me, they  can get one of those blow-dried guys. 	Ross Perot, Time, April 6, 1992

Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever  came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont. 	Clarence Darrow (1857-1938)

Each snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty. 	Stanislaw J. Lec

You must have taken great pains, sir; you could not naturally been so very stupid.         Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.         Fred Allen (1894-1956)

I fell asleep reading a dull book and dreamed I kept on reading, so I awoke from sheer boredom.         Heinrich Heine (1797-1856)

I can't read ten pages of Steinbeck without throwing up. 	James Gould Cozzens (1903-1978)

Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book. 	Edward Gibbon (1737-1794)

Marriage: a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose. 	Beverly Nichols

One should never know too precisely whom one has married. 	Nietzsche (1844-1900) on Lohengrin

Marriage is part of a sort of 50's revival package that's back in vogue along with neckties and naked ambition. 	Calvin Trillin

The comfortable estate of widowhood is the only hope that keeps up a wife's spirits. 	John Gay

He who marries a widow will often have a dead man's head thrown in his dish. 	Spanish proverb

Men have a much better time of it than woemn; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier. H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

The more he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons. 	Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

I don't like her.  But don't misunderstand me: my dislike is purely platonic. 	Herbert Beerbohm Tree

Psychoanalysts are father confessors who like to listen to the sins of the father as well.         Karl Kraus (1874-1936)

My motto is: Contented with little, yet wishing for more.         Charles Lamb (1775-1834)

Any man who, having a child or children he can't support, proceeds to have another should be sterilized at once.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts.  Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain. 	Pierre Trudeau - Prime Minister of Canada 1968-1979

I've posed nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker, but I merely looked constipated.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. 	Don Marquis (1878-1937)

Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than on all other days of the year put together.  This proves, by the numbers left in  stock, that one Fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion  of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. 	Goethe (1749-1832)

If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking 'Do you want fries with that?' 	John Cleese

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have. 	Woody Allen

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. 	Tommy Manville (1894-1967)

Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. 	Arthur Baer (1896-1975)

Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip  out a man's genitals through his wallet.         Robin Williams

Where desire writhed there stands a stone; the change was sudden and complete. 	Maggie Roche

After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, "Maybe life isn't for everyone." 	Larry Brown

Before undergoing a surgical operation, arrange your temporal affairs.  You may live.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

The first kiss is stolen by the man; the last is begged by the woman.    H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

It's hard to decide if TV makes morons out of everyone or if  it mirrors Americans who really are morons to begin with. 	Martin Mull

I have never found in a long experience of politics that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance. 	Harold Macmillan b. 1894 	British prime minister (1957-1963)

Never get married while you're going to college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective  employer finds you've already made one mistake.         Kin Hubbard (1868-1930)

If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. 	Woody Allen

A sign of celebrity is that his name is often worth  more than his services. 	Daniel J. Boorstin

Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door. 	Marlo Thomas

As an anti-American, I thank you for your  rotten article devoted to my person. 	Prince Sihanouk in a letter	to Time magazine

A painter should not paint what he sees but what should be seen.        Paul Valery (1871-1945)

When my love swears that she is made of truth, I do believe her, though I know she lies. William Shakespeare (1564-1616)

Man is only man at the surface.  Remove the skin, disect, and immediately you come to machinery. Paul Valery (1871-1945)

Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast or a god.         Francis Bacon (1561-1626)

Self is the only prison that can bind the soul. 	Henry Van Dyke

Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows. 	William Shakespeare (1564-1616)

Repeated catastrophe is instructive

All professions are conspiracies against the laity.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Nothing to me is more distasteful than that entire complacency and satisfaction which beam in the countenances of a newly married couple.         Charles Lamb (1775-1834)

It's a really crappy sort of memory that only works backwards The White Queen, "Through the Looking Glass".

Foolish writers and readers are created for each other. Horace Walpole (1717-1797)

Every author, however modest, keeps a most outrageous vanity chained like a madman in the padded cell of his breast.         Logan Pearsall Smith (1865-1946)

I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.  Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

Politicians are the same the world over: they promise to build a bridge even when there is no river. Nikita Khrushchev (1894-1971)

If the Prince of Peace should come to earth, one of the first things he would do would be to put psychiatrists in their place. 	Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

When I became President, what surprised me most was that things were just as bad as I'd been saying they were. John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to belive it. 	Clarence Darrow (1857-1938)

I'd rather entrust the government of the United States to the first 400 people listed in the Boston telephone directory than to the faculty of Harvard University. William F. Buckley, Jr.

There you stand like a duck in a thunderstorm again - aren't you ever going to understand? 	W.A. Mozart

While you're saving your face you're losing your ass.         Lyndon Baines Johnson (1908-1973)

The trouble with my wife is that she is a  whore in the kitchen and a cook in the bed. 	Geoffrey Gorer

I don't mind a little praise - as long as it's fulsome.     Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)

No matter how old a mother is, she watches her  middle-aged children for signs of improvement. 	Florida Scott-Maxwell

There ought to be a room in every house to swear in.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steaks.	Pierre Auguste Renoir (1841-1919)

Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.	Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. 	Orson Welles

Americans detest all lies except lies spoken in public or printed lies. 	Ed Howe

It is often pleasant to stone a martyr, no matter how much we admire him. 	John Barth

I think, therefore Descartes exists. 	Saul Steinberg

The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going about saying, "The trouble with this country is...." 	Sinclair Lewis (1885-1951)

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals. 	Finley Peter Dunne (1867-1936)

Make money and the whole nation will conspire to call you a gentleman.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

There are three intolerable things in life - cold  coffee, lukewarm champagne, and overexcited women. 	Orson Welles

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.         Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled  by the infernal constancy of the women who love me.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

It's not his fault that he's the rear end of a pantomime horse. Vincent Manis

Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side,  and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 	Carl Zwanzig

Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Reason and Justice tell me that there is more love of man in  electricity and steam, than in chastity and refusal to eat meat. 	Chekov of Tolstoy

There is no passion like that of a functionary for his function.        Georges Clemenceau (1841-1929)

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.	George Ade (1866-1944)

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. 	The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

National Health Insurance: The compassion of the IRS The efficiency of the Postal Service All at Pentagon prices!!!! 	Seen on a bumper sticker

To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements  for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.         Gustave Flaubert (1821-1880)

Popularity is the one insult I have never suffered.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Never lie when the truth is more profitable. 	Stanislaw J. Lec

Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.         John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)

Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful. 	Unknown

Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.         Milton Friedman

A lot of women are getting alimony who don't earn it. 	Don Herold

When you consider what a chance women have to poison their husbands, it's a wonder there isn't more of it done.        Kin Hubbard (1868-1930)

When solving a "panic" you must first ask yourself what you were doing that could possibly frighten an operating system Peter van der Linden

I prefer the company of peasants because they have not been educated sufficiently to reason incorrectly.         Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1553-1592)

The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists - that is why they invented hell.        Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake,  which I also keep handy.        W.C. Fields (1880-1946)

Climbing would be a great, truly wonderful thing if it weren't for all that damn climbing. 	John Ohrenschall

Higher emotions are what separate us from the lower orders of life... Higher emotions, and table manners. 	Deanna Troi, _Imzadi_ 	Start Trek - The Next Generation

Success is a great deodorant. 	Elizabeth Taylor

What dreadful hot weather we have!   It keeps me in a continual state of inelegance. 	Jane Austen (1775-1817)

Everyone realized that Computervision stock was the golden goose. But one grabbed the leg, another grabbed a wing, another got the neck, all pulling hard, and they realize now they could kill the goose if they keep this up. 	Charles Foundyller of Daratech

Consequences, shmonsequences!  So long as I'm rich! Daffy Duck

Civilization is the distance man has placed between himself and his excreta. 	Brian Aldiss

The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Gentility is what is left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone. 	John Ciardi

No one can earn a million dollars honestly. 	William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925)

The wise man doesn't give the right answers, he poses the right questions. 	Claude Levi-Strauss

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.        W.C. Fields (1880-1946)

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. 	Henny Youngman

The less I behave like Whistler's mother the night before, the more I look like her the morning after.         Tallulah Bankhead (1903-1968)

An Irishman is the only man in the world who will step over the bodies of a dozen naked women to get to a bottle of stout. 	Unknown

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

The higher the buildings, the lower the morals.          Noel Coward (1899-1973)

The difference between man and animals is that we don't use our  tongue to clean our genitals. Rimmer - Red Dwarf

Coincidences are spiritual puns.         G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

The perfect host requires the perfect parasite.         Adopted from Lance Fusco.

The chief objection of playing wind instruments is that it prolongs the life of the player.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Even in civilized mankind faint traces of monogamous instincts can be perceived.         Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

People that are really weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history. 	J. Danforth Quayle, 09/88

The wages of sin are death, but the benefits include dental, major medical, two week paid vacation, pension fund, and stock options. Actually, taken as a package, it's a rather attractive deal. 	Tim Mefford

Jesus saves sinners ... and redeems them for valuable cash prizes!!!

And thou shalt smite thine enemy even unto the wall, gnashing thy teeth, and he shall grow small in thy mirrors. 	Jeff Zurschmeide

There are situations in which torture is not merely permissible but morally mandatory. 	Michael Levin

Things are so bad in Massachusetts now they don't even bother to plough Route 128 when it snows. 	Scott McNealy 	in the wake of Wang's going Chapter 11

Close your mouth, Michael; we are not a codfish. 	Mary Poppins

While I am not a fan of corporal punishment, I am not a fan of his friends Major Nuisance or General Disturbance. 	Elaine Richards

A woman will buy anything she thinks the store is losing money on.         Kin Hubbard (1868-1930)

Having the critics praise you is like having the hangman say you've got a pretty neck. 	Eli Wallach

There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

You'll get a fair trial followed by a first class hanging. 	Judge Roy Bean

The French are just useless.  They can't organize a piss-up in a brewery. 	Elton John

He's a fine friend.  He stabs you in the front. 	Leonard Louis Levinson

The place where optimism flourishes the most is the lunatic asylum. 	Havelock Ellis (1859-1939)

I am a gentleman:  I live by robbing the poor.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

"Governor Bill Weld (R. Mass) was quoted as saying Dan Quayle had the sharpest political mind in the White House." "That's true. At the time, George Bush was out campaigning, and  Barbara was out walking Millie the dog." 	Jay Leno from the Tonight Show a couple of weeks ago

"He doesn't have the greatest smarts in the world. His main interests in school were broads and booze." 	J. Danforth Quayle's Father, 08/23/88

No man should marry before he has studied anatomy and dissected the body of a woman. Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)

I pride myself on the fact that my work has no socially redeeming value. 	John Waters

The only people who seem to have nothing to do with the education of the children are the parents. G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older people, and greatly assists the circulation of the blood. Logan Pearsall Smith (1865-1946)

I don't worry about getting old.  I'm old already.  Only young people worry about getting old.  When I was 65 I had cupid's eczema.  I don't believe in dying.  It's been done.  I'm working on a new exit.  Besides, I can't  die now - I'm booked. 	George Burns

Someday Louisiana is going to get good government.  And they ain't gunna like it. 	Earl K. Long

I love acting.  It is so much more real than life.        Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

The trouble with America is that there are far too many wide-open spaces surrounded by teeth. 	Charles Luckman

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may  eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day. Robert Frost (1874-1963)

I don't need bodyguards. 	Jimmy Hoffa 	Playboy Interview - December 1975

I'll always stay connected with Apple. 	Steven Jobs 	Playboy Interview - February 1985

I really do plan to get out of show business within five years or so. 	Bill Cosby 	Playboy Interview - May 1969

I believe that all of us ought to retire relatively young. 	Fidel Castro	Playboy Interview - January 1967

I'm not apt to be getting married in the near future and my lifestyle isn't apt to dramatically change as a result of any new relationship. 	Hugh Hefner	Playboy Interview - January 1974

The Soviet Union is going to have a human-rights explosion. You'll have hundreds of thousands of dissidents. 	Andrew Young 	Playboy Interview - July 1977

I don't believe in leaving anything to be inherited. 	Robert Maxwell 	Playboy Interview - October 1991

If we burn ourselves out with drugs or alcohol, we won't have long to go in this business.  	John Belushi 	Playboy Interview - May 1977

Who could follow Carson?  Well, believe me, somebody can - and will. 	Johnny Carson 	Playboy Interview - December 1967

Look, man, all I am is a trumpet player. 	Miles Davis         Playboy Interview - September 1962

I must admit, it would be nice if I had a few more exciting personal qualities than I do. 	George McGovern         Playboy Interview - August 1971

Ain't never been another fighter like me.  Ain't never been no nothing like me.	Cassius Clay         Playboy Interview - October 1964

I'm a very oral person.  I like licking a lot.  I also like barking. 	Erica Jong         Playboy Interview - September 1975

I'd like to be a song and dance man. 	Walter Cronkite

I've always wanted to be Brigitte Bardot. 	Bob Dylan        Playboy Interview - March 1966

The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life.  For this task, it has a rudimentary nervous system.  When it finds its spot and takes root, it doesn't need its brain anymore so it eats it! (It's rather like getting tenure.) 	Daniel Dennett 	From CONSCIOUSNESS EXPLAINED p. 177

Leona Helmsley is a truly evil human being. 	Donald Trump Playboy Interview - March 1990

Donald Trump is a snake. 	Leona Helmsley         Playboy Interview - November 1990

I drink for the honorable purpose of getting bagged. 	Jackie Gleason         Playboy Interview - December 1962

I'm for anything that gets you through the night, be it prayer, tranquilizers or a bottle of Jack Daniel's. 	Frank Sinatra         Playboy Interview - February 1963

The human race may well become extinct before the end of the century. Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)         Playboy Interview - March 1963

We are eliminating poverty in this country faster than any society ever. 	William F. Buckley, Jr.         Playboy Interview - May 1970

Racism, pollution and the rest of it are themselves very close to extinction.         R. Buckminster Fuller         Playboy Interview - February 1972

No national political party is going to nominate another right-wing candidate for a long time. 	Arthur Schlesinger, Jr.         Playboy Interview - May 1966

After all these investigations, that's exactly what they're going to find out: This is a great department. 	Daryl Gates         Playboy Interview - August 1991

I discovered masturbation to orgasm when I was about 13, and I was sure nobody else had ever done it.	Erica Jong        Playboy Interview - September 1975

I had a patent on masturbation when I was 12.  I thought I invented it.	Roman Polanski	Playboy Interview - December 1971

When I was in junior high school, the teachers voted me the student most likely to end up in the electric chair. 	Sylvester Stallone 	Playboy Interview - September 1978

Most of the class clowns in my high school are doing time now. 	David Letterman 	Playboy Interview - October 1984

I'm sure if somebody were pointing a gun at me and I were standing there with a six-pack, I'd say, 'Care for one?' 	Clint Eastwood         Playboy Interview - February 1974

Are there any writers on the literary scene whom I consider truly great?  Yes:  Truman Capote. 	Truman Capote         Playboy Interview - March 1968

How long can you be cute? 	Goldie Hawn         Playboy Interview - January 1985

If I were courageous, I would have killed Qaddafi when I interviewed him 	Oriana Fallaci         Playboy Interview - November 1981

Not one man has ever told me I'm beautiful - in my entire life.  I  think that's what's made me the aggressive wreck I am today. 	Joan Rivers         Playboy Interview - November 1986

I'm a nymphomaniac of the heart. 	Gabriel Garcia Marquez          Playboy Interview - February 1983

I am a spy of life. 	Lech Walesa         Playboy Interview - February 1982

I am a mass of contradictions  	Barbra Streisand         Playboy Interview - October 1977

I am a mass of contradictions 	Richard Burton         Playboy Interview - September 1963

I'm not a homosexual 	Edward Koch         Playboy Interview - April 1982

I'm not a Japan basher. 	Lee Iacocca         Playboy Interview - January 1991

I'm a meglomaniac. 	Roman Polanski         Playboy Interview - December 1971

I'm a genetic mutant. 	Dan Aykroyd         Playboy Interview - May 1977

I'm naturally throbbing 	Woody Allen         Playboy Interview - May 1967

Bush is into the Contra business up to his eyeballs.         Gore Vidal         Playboy Interview - December 1987

The popular view of Eisenhower among educated  Eastern people was that he was a boob.         Pat Moynihan        Playboy Interview - March 1977

Ford is a fucking bimbo.  Even in that famous picture of him making his own breakfast, he was marmalading the wrong side of his English muffin.         Abbie Hoffman         Playboy Interview - May 1976

Death comes along like a gas bill one can't pay. 	Anthony Burgess         Playboy Interview - September 1974

If I die tonight and you wake up tomorrow, don't send flowers. Don't come around with your tears.  Picket.  To to PTA meetings. Fight for higher wages.  Make the most of it. 	Jesse Jackson         Playboy Interview - November 1969

I had a dream that Connie Chung is doing a newscast about my death and they show a clip from Soap. 	Billy Crystal         Playboy Interview - March 1988

I shall never cease to be sensual - even on my deathbead. If the doctor is young and handsome, I shall draw him into my arms. 	Tennessee Williams         Playboy Interview - April 1973

Sometimes even powerlessness has a power of its own. Who is it who took India?  Some guy in his underwear. 	Jerry Brown         Playboy Interview - April 1976

Big nations are like chickens.  They like to make big noises, but very often it is no more than squabbling. 	Dr. Albert Schweitzer         Playboy Interview - December 1963

This country has been strip-mined by rich and powerful interests. If you dont like what they're doing, don't just sit there.  Vote them out. 	Ralph Nadar         Playboy Interview - June 1992

When lip service to some mysterious deity permits bestiality on Wednesday and absolution on Sunday - cash me out. Frank Sinatra         Playboy Interview - February 1963

I love gentiles.  In fact, on of my favorite activities is Protestant spotting. 	Mel Brooks         Playboy Interview - October 1966

God is good when He gives us a grilled steak. 	Anthony Burgess         Playboy Interview - 1974

I found Christ.  I had a revelation while I was watching Monday Night Football.` 	Terry Bradshaw         Playboy Interview - March 1980

Remember, Jesus was on Eighth Avenue with the prostitutes. He wasn't uptown or in Washington, D.C. 	Martin Scorsese         Playboy Interview - April 1991

At the moment of climax, there is a oneness with you and your  husband and God.  When you come together, it's like when the  church is brought up to meet Christ in the air. 	Anita Bryant        Playboy Interview - May 1978

When I was 16 years old, I fucked Warren Beaty.  Just like that.  I did it because my girlfriends were so crazy about him, and so was my mother. 	Cher         Playboy Interview - December 1988

The great American formula for sex is: a kiss on the lips, a hand on the breasts and a dive for the pelvis. 	Dr. William Masters Playboy Interview - November 1979

My reaction to porn films is as follows:  After the first ten minutes, I want to go home and screw.  After the first 20 minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live. 	Erica Jong          Playboy Interview - September 1975

I've never been to an orgy, honestly.  If I was invited to one, I'd be the guy they sent out for cold cuts. Woody Allen         Playboy Interview - May 1967

Giving Head to your woman is dangerous because  it gives the Devil introduction into the vagina. Norman Mailer        Playboy Interview - January 1968

There's an unfortunate obsession in this country with mammary glands. No matter how fantastic a girl's breasts are, if that's all she's got, they just hang there like two worthless tits. 	Raquel Welch

A man has a sense of detachment from his penis. He walks around with a stranger in his pants. 	Gay Talese

I have nothing against homosexuals. You should fuck whoever the fuck you feel like fucking. 	Eddie Murphy

The censors say they're protecting the family unit in America, when the reality is, if you suck a tit, you're an X, but if you  cut it off with a sword, you're a PG. 	Jack Nicholson

I've looked on a lot of women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. 	Jimmy Carter

A young man called and said, "Dr. Ruth, my girlfriend and I love each other very much.  We want to get married."  I said, "Good.  What's your problem?"  He said, "My girlfriend likes to toss fried onion rings on my erect penis." 	Dr. Ruth Westheimer

I'm sort of hot-blooded.  That doesn't mean necessarily I'm promiscuous.  It means I really enjoy sex. 	John Travolta

I'm not colorless - I'm black.  It's not something I consciously think about. It just is.  It's like having a dick.  You don't think about having a dick. You just have one. 	Whoopi Goldberg

I've never seen black men with fine white women.  They be ugly. Mugly, dogs.  And you always see white men with good-looking black women. 	Spike Lee

I don't feel guilty that five or ten generations ago these people were slaves.  Now, I'm not condoning slavery.  It's just a fact of life. 	John Wayne         Playboy Interview - May 1971

Christ wasn't white.  Christ was black. 	Malcolm X         Playboy Interview - May 1963

My fondest hope is that Roots may start black, white, brown, red, yellow people digging back for their own roots.  Man, that would make me feel 90 feet tall. 	Alex Haley         Playboy Interview - January 1977

Whites in this country have reacted to the demands of blacks only after disorder.  Until Watts blew up, Los Angeles was not prepared to do much about it.	William Sloan Coffin

Our white brothers must be made to understand that nonviolence is a weapon fabricated of love.  It is a sword that heals. 	Martin Luther King, Jr.

The most repulsive thing you could ever imagine is the inside of a camel's mouth.  That and watching a girl eat octopus or squid. 	Marlon Brando

I know that if you leave dishes in the sink, they get stick and hard to wash the next day. 	Arnold Schwarzenegger

When in doubt, go for the dick joke. 	Robin Williams

We always have been, we are, and I hope that we always shall be detested in France. 	Duke of Wellington

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, especially if the goods are worthless. 	Sinclair Lewis (1885-1951)

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced. 	Frank Zappa ( -Dec 4, 1993)

Seize from every moment its unique novelty, and do not prepare your joys. 	Andre Gide (1876-1951)

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to? 	Bette Midler

In order to fully realize how bad a popular play  can be, it is necessary to see it twice.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Whatever else an American believes or disbelieves about himself, he is absolutely sure he has a sense of humor. 	E.B. White (1899-1985)

Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. 	Frank Moore Colby

Show me a man who has enjoyed his school days and I'll show you a bully and a bore. 	Robert Morely

Democracy encourages the majority to decide things about which the majority is blissfully ignorant. 	John Simon

Society produces rogues, and education makes one rogue cleverer than another.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

No opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible. 	Wystan Hugh Auden (1907-1973)

It is only by not paying one's bills that one can hope to live in the memory of the commercial classes.   Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants. 	Alben W. Barkley (1877-1956) 	U.S Vice President (1949-1953)

Scratch an actor - and you'll find an actress.         Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well  known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.         Fred Allen (1894-1956)

A critic is a legless man who teaches running. 	Channing Pollock

It is a curious thing ... that every creed promises a paradise which  will be absolutely uninhabitable for anyone of civilized taste.         Evelyn Waugh (1903-1966)

I don't want to be charged with child abuse. 	Pat Buchanan, saying he did not want to get into a war of words with Vice President Dan Quayle

I came from a disadvantaged home. They were Republicans. Paul Tsongas, campaigning in New Hampshire

There is no accountability in the public school system - except for coaches.  You know what happens to a losing coach.  You fire him.  A losing teacher can go on losing for 30 years and then go to glory. 	Ross Perot, The Dallas Morning News, March 11, 1984

You want a wife who is intelligent, but not too intelligent. 	President Nixon, on the best wife for a president (1913-1994)

The more you observe politics, the more you've go to admit that each party is worse than the other.     Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Darling:  the popular form of address used in speaking to a person  of the opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment recall   Oliver Herford (1863-1935)

Marriage is a bargain, and somebody has to get the worst of the bargain.         Helen Rowland (1876-1950)

Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended.         Zsa Zsa Gabor

Love is so much better when you are not married. 	Maria Callas

A woman's place is in the wrong.         James Thurber (1894-1961)

What men call good fellowship is commonly but the virtue of pigs in a litter which lie close together to keep each other warm.         Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

Male heckler:      Are you a lesbian? Florynce Kennedy:  Are you my alternative?

"1492.  As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America.  Actually, people had been living full and imaginative  lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them."         Kurt Vonnegut : Breakfast of Champions

Going to the opera, like getting drunk, is a sin that carries its own punishment with it, and that a very severe one. 	Hannah Moore

Music is the refuge of souls ulcerated by happiness.         E.M. Cioran

Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable.          Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer. 	Victor Borge

At least when I was govenor, cocaine was expensive. Jerry Brown

The whole dream of democracy is to raise the proletarian to the level of stupidity attained by the bourgeois.         Gustave Flaubert (1821-1880)

Government expands to absorb revenue - and then some. 	Tom Wicker

In rivers and bad governments, the lightest things swim at the top. 	Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.         Kin Hubbard (1868-1930)

Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity. 	Frank Leahy

Irony is the hygiene of the mind. 	Elizabeth Bibesco

Egotist, n.  A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Women!  Ya can't live with 'em and ya can't get 'em to wear skimpy little Nazi outfits. Emo Phillips

Old wives don't die if they're getting alimony 	David Brown

The only time some fellows are ever seen with their wives is after they've been indicted.         Kin Hubbard (1868-1930)

If there were no husbands, who would look after our mistresses? 	George Moore

More people out of work leads to higher unemployment.` 	Calvin Coolidge (1872-1933)

If you were in a room with Kadaffi, Saddam Hussien, and John Sununu, and you only had two bullets, what would you do.  Shoot John Sununu twice. 	Paul Tsongas

A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment. 	Willis Player

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Love, n - A temporary insanity curable by marriage.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance of the woman.         Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)

Love is two minutes fifty-two seconds of squishing noises. It shows your mind isn't clicking right.         Johnny Rotten

The Godless would deny and destroy human rights .... the liberties of a nation cannot be secure when belief in God is abandoned. 	U.S. Senate Chaplain Richard (DICK) Halverson

Atheism has no room for human rights. U.S. Senate Chaplain Richard (DICK) Halverson 	addressing 600 people at a prayer breakfast,  	March 1992 in Wisconsin

Mathematics has given economics rigor, but alas, also mortis. 	Robert Heilbroner

An economist is an expert who will know tommorrow why the  things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. 	Laurence J. Peter

All American cars are basically Chevrolets. 	Herb Caen

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. 	Erma Bombeck

Take most people, they're crazy about cars.  I'd rather have a goddamn horse.  A horse is at least human, for God's sake.         J.D. Salinger

Television has raised writing to a new low.         Samuel Goldwyn (1882-1974)

Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.         Alfred Hitchcock (1899-1980)

Working on television is like being shot out of a cannon. They cram you all up with rehearsals, then someone lights a fuse and - BANG - there you are in someone's living room.        Tallulah Bankhead (1903-1968)

When you have no basis of argument, abuse the plaintiff. 	Marcus Tullius Cicero        Cicero (106-43 BC)

I have no idea what White House statement was was issued, but I stand by it 100 percent. 	Richard Darman

Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past  the time when the quo has lost its status. 	Laurence J. Peter

In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known. 	Thomas Pickering

Isn't it funny that anything the Supreme Court says is right?         Robert Frost (1874-1963)

Women should listen and learn quietly and humbly.  I never let women teach men or lord it over them.  Let them be silent in your church meetings. Why?  Because God made Adam first, and afterwards he made Eve.  And it was not Adam who was fooled by Satan, but Eve, and sin was the result. So God sent pain and suffering to women when their children are born, but he will save their souls if they trust in him, living quiet, good, and loving lives. 	1 Timothy 2:11-15

Women should be silent during the church meetings.  They are not to take part  in the discussion, for they are subordinate to men as the Scriptures also declare.  If they have any questions to ask, let them ask their husbands at home, for it is improper for women to express their opinions in church meetings. 	1 Corinthians 14:34-35

Do you think that I have come to give peace on earth?  No, I tell you, but rather division;  fo9r henceforth in one house there will be five divided, three against two and two against three; they will be divided, father against son, and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. 	Luke 12:51-53

a man's worst enemies will be right in his own home!  If you love your father and mother more than you love me, you are not worthy of being mine; or if you love your son or daughter more than me, you are not worthy of being mine. 	Matthew 10:36-38

Thanksgiving Day is a day devoted by persons with inflammatory  rheumatism to thanking a loving Father that it is not hydrophobia.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.         P. J. O'Rourke

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.         Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

The trouble with us in America isn't that the poetry of life has turned to prose, but that it has turned to advertising copy. 	Louis Kronenberger

Over in Hollywood they almost made a great picture, but they caught it in time.         Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)

Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks. 	Eric Sevareid

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, perhaps you have misunderstood the situation.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. 	George Burns

I can understand companionship.  I can understand bought sex in the afternoon.  I cannot understand the love affair.         Gore Vidal

Aviation in itself is not inherently dangerous. But to an even greater degree than the sea, it is terribly unforgiving of carelessness, incapacity, or neglect. 	Anonymous

A newspaper consists of just the same number of words, whether there be any news in it or not.         Henry Fielding (1707-1754)

The making of a journalist:  no ideas and the ability to express them.         Karl Kraus (1874-1936)

What God hath joined together no man shall put asunder: God will take care of that.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.         Jules Renard (1864-1910)

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

People would never fall in love if they had not heard love talked about.         La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

The reason that lovers never weary each other is because they are always talking about themselves.         La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life. 	Richard Lewis

"Love is what we call the situation which occurs when two people who are sexually comptatible discover that they can also tolerate one another in various other circumstances."                       -- Marc Maihueird

To be honest, as this world goes, is to be one man picked out of ten thousand. 		       -- Hamlet II:ii

Honesty is the best policy; but he who is governed by that maxim is not an honest man.  --  Richard Whately, Archbishop of Dublin

It may be risky to marry for love, but it's so honest that the Lord just has to smile on it.  -- Josh Billings

Like the ski resort full of girls hunting for husbands and husbands hunting for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. 	Alan Mackay

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. 	Jack Benny (1894-1974)

Life is an effort that deserves a better cause.         Karl Kraus (1874-1936)

Nothing is so aggravating as calmness.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who  chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you.          Kin Hubbard (1868-1930)

There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain. 	Lily Tomlin

We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe. 	Goethe (1749-1832)

there's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. 	Steven Wright

There is no expedient to which a man will  not go to avoid the labor of thinking. 	Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)

An intelligence service is, in fact, a stupidity service. 	E.B. White (1899-1985)

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist. 	Elbert Hubbard

The world is so dreadfully managed, one hardly knows to whom to complain. 	Ronald Firbank

I and my public understand each other very well;  it does not hear what I say, and I don't say what it wants to hear.         Karl Kraus (1874-1936)

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.         James Thurber (1894-1961)

We've kept the good old vices and labored to invent a few, With cake in vulgar surplus we can have it, and eat it too 	Toy Matinee

Watch??  I'm gonna pray, man!  Know any good religions? 	Zaphod Beeblebrox

The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that's the essence of inhumanity.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

The modern computer is capable of answering, in a matter of seconds,  mathematical questions that would take millions of years for a human being  to answer (even longer if he stopped for lunch). How does the computer do this? Simple. It makes everything up. It knows full well you're not going to waste millions of years checking up on it. So you should never use computers for anything really important, such as balancing your personal checkbook. But they're fine for corporate use. 	Unknown

A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other...util death do them join. 	Elbert Hubbard

Neither Heaven nor Hell.  It is simply Purgatory.  Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman. 	Herbert Spencer

Vox populi, vox humbug 	William Tecumseh Sherman (1820-1891)

I don't drink; I don't like it - it makes me feel good        Oscar Levant (1906-1972)

Christmas is a holiday that persecutes the lonely, the frayed, and the rejected.      Jimmy Cannon (1910-1973)

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up  and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.         Kin Hubbard (1868-1930)

I despise the pleasure of pleasing people that I despise.  Mary Wortley Montagu

Most affections are habits or duties we lack the courage to end. 	Henri de Montherlant

Everybody winds up kissing the wrong person good night.         Andy Warhol

Why is it that we entertain the belief that for every purpose odd numbers are the most effectual? 	Pliny the Elder

You have to be deviant if you're going to do anything new. 	David Lee

I am into parallel monogamy. 	Seen on a button

It's a control freak thing. I wouldn't let you understand. 	S.H. Underwood

Take only pictures, steal only time, leave only footprints. 	Unknown

The tools of conquest do not necessarily come with bombs and explosions and fallout.  There are weapons that are simply thoughts, attitudes,  prejudices -- to be found in the minds of men.  For the record, prejudices  can kill and suspicion can destroy, and a thoughtless, frightened search  for a scapegoat has a fallout all its own -- for the children and the children yet unborn.  And the pity of it is that these things cannot be confined to the Twilight Zone. 	Rod Serling

All dogmas perish the thinking mind, especially ones you agree with. 	Adam Richardson

Women remember the first kiss, men remember the last. 	Unknown

No man is a hero to his wife's psychiatrist. 	Eric Berne

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. 	Gloria Steinem

Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place.  If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!         Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (Lewis Carroll) (1832-1898)   	"Through the Looking Glass"

In matters of conscience, the law of majority has no place. 	Mohandas K. Gandhi

Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read. Button from the Computer Museum, Boston, MA

Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life. Andrew Brown

Never judge a book by its movie. 	J.W. Eagan

Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?         Karl Kraus (1874-1936)

The reason why so few good books are written is that so few people who can write know anything. Walter Bagehot (1826-1877)

Would I had phrases that are not known, utterances that are strange, in new language that has not been used, free from repetition, not an  utterance which has grown stale, which men of old have spoken. 	Egyptian Inscription Recorded at the Time of the Invention of Writing.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down. Robert Benchley (1889-1945)

If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one. 	Andrew A. Rooney

My empty waterdish mocks me. 	Bob the Dog

Somebody once asked Niels Bohr why he had a horseshoe hanging above the front door of his house.   "Surely you, a world famous physicist, can't really believe that 	hanging a horseshoe above your door brings you luck?". "Of course not," Bohr replied, "but I have been reliably informed that it will bring me luck  whether I believe in it or not."

Einstein's space is no closer to reality than Van Gogh's sky.  The glory of science is not in a truth more absolute than the truth of Bach or Tolstoy, but in the act of creation itself.  The scientist's discoveries impose his own order on chaos, as the composer or painter imposes his;  an order that always refers to limited aspects of reality, and is based on the observer's frame of reference, which differs from period to period as a Rembrant nude differs from a nude by Manet.         Arthur Koestler, The Act of Creation 	London, 1970, p. 253

Order, unity and continuity are human inventions just as truly as catalogues and encyclopedias. Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

I was simply furnishing a home.  I love music ... and I don't think a $130,000 indoor-outdoor stereo system is extravagant. 	Leona Helmsley - 1990 	refuting charges that her lifestyle was excessive

Women!  Can't live with them...pass the beer nuts. 	Norm (Cheers)

There is nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl. 	Fortune cookie

This is quite a three-pipe problem. 	Sherlock Holmes quote

There is a level of cowardice lower than that of the conformist: the fashionable non-conformist. Ayn Rand

There was a young man of Dundoo, Whose limericks stopped at line 2.

There was a young woman named Jenny, Whose limericks weren't worth a penny.   Her rhythm and rhyme   Were perfectly fine But whenever she tried to write any, She always had one line too many.

There once was a young man from Lyme Who couldn't get his limericks to rhyme When asked "Why not?" It was said that he thought They were probably too long and badly structured and not at all very funny.

War will never cease until babies begin to come into the world with larger cerebums and smaller adrenal glands. H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

I would feel more optimistic about a bright future for man if he spent less time proving that he can outwit Nature and more time tasting her sweetness and respecting her seniority. 	E.B. White (1899-1985)

There is scarecely anything in the world that some man cannot make a little worse, and sell a little more cheaply. The person who buys on price alone is this man's lawful prey. 	John Ruskin (1819-1900)

A financier is a pawnbroker with imagination. 	Arthur Wing Pinero

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education. George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

A little philosophy inclineth man's mind to atheism, But depth in philosophy bringeth men's minds about to religion. Francis Bacon (1561-1626)

A chinese philosopher once had a dream that he was a butterfly. From that day on, he was never quite certain that he was not a butterfly, dreaming that he was a man.	found in a .sig

Great minds think alike, and fools seldom differ Anonymous

All great truths begin as blasphemies.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

All professions are conspiracies against the laity.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.   George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

He who can, does.  He who cannot teaches.  George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

He who has never hoped can never despair.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Liberty means responsibility.  That is why most me dread it.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Nothing ever is done in this world until men are prepared to kill one another if it is not done.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

The Golden Rule is that there are no Golden Rules.   George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

The liar's punishment ... is that he cannot believe anyone else.   George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

There are two tragedies in life.  One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

I have realized that the past and future are real illusions, that they exist in the present, which is what there is and all there is. 	Alan Watts

As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.         Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

As if you could TELL time without injuring eternity.   	Matthew Ryan

Eternity is not something that begins after you are dead.  It is going on all the time.  We are in it now.  	Charlotte P Gilman

There is nothing more notable in Socrates than that he found time, when he  was an old man, to learn music and dancing, and thought it time well spent.         Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1553-1592)

People find life entirely too time-consuming. 	Stanislaw J. Lec

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time  we have rushed through life trying to save.         Will Rogers (1879-1935)

If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly  useless manner, you have learned how to live. 	Lin Yutang

Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of  youth for those of age.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. F. P. Jones

Life is but a walking Shadow, a poor Player That struts and frets his Hour upon the Stage, And then is heard no more; It is a tall Tale, Told by an Idiot, full of Sound and Fury, Signifying nothing." 	W. Shakespeare: Macbeth, Act V, Scene V (MacBeth)

If you were a gay illegal-alien looking for an abortion, it was a humdinger of a week. 	Kirk Fordice 1/29/93

It's said that if you can't say something good about a dead person, don't say it.  Well, I consider him dead. 	Former Chief Justice Thurgood Marshall (1908-1993) 	on President Bush

Knee-jerk liberals and all the certified saints of sanctified humanism are quick to condemn this great and much-maligned Transylvanian statesman. 	William F. Buckley, Jr., "The Wit and Wisdom of Vlad the Impaler"

But, my dearest Agathon, it is truth which you cannot contradict; you can without any difficulty contradict Socrates.  	Plato (427?-348? BC)   	in Symposium

...for no man lives in the external truth among salts and acids, but in the warm, phantasmagoric chamber of his brain, with the painted windows and the storied wall. 	Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1894)

There is no "royal road" to geometry.   	Euclid  to king Ptolemy I

When you're not looking at it, this sentence is in Spanish. 	Douglas R. Hofstadter         from Go"del, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid

The last thing I have to say is that ice is the past tense of water. I've always wanted to write that sentence and now I have. 	Rita Mae Brown

For most of history, Anonymous was a woman. 	Virginia Woolf

I don't like it and I'm sorry I ever had anything to do with it. 	Erwin Schrodinger commenting on Schrodinger's equations

Beauty is the first test; there is no permanent place in the world for ugly mathematics. 	G.H. Hardy, in _A Mathematician's Apology_

All dimensions are critical dimensions, otherwise why are they there? 	Russ Zandbergen

Just goes to show you.  You can kill a guy, fold him up, stuff him in your trunk, and still you don't *really* know him.   	The Kids in the Hall

I may not agree with what you say, but I'll fight to the death for your right to die in a fire of suspicious origin 	author unknown

The universe is made of stories, not atoms. 	Muriel Rukeyser

I love deadlines.  I love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. 	Douglas Adams

It's not that I don't enjoy it, but it's kind of like a trip to Disneyland. You get so excited about a ride on the Matterhorn, and then when it's over, you realize you wasted all that time in line for a minute and a half upside down and the chance to throw up. 	Murphy Brown, on "The Sex Thing"

The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad.         Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

There is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to conduct or more uncertain in its success than to take the lead in the introduction of a new order of things. 	Niccolo Machiavelli "The Prince" 1532

Learning builds daily accumulation, but the practice of Tao builds daily simplification.  Simplify and simplify, until all contamination from  relative, contridictory thinking is eliminated.  Then one does nothing, yet nothing is left undone.  One who wins the world does so by not  meddling with it.  One who meddles with the world loses it. 	Tao te Ching, 48. Lao-Tzu

Worry does not empty tomorrow of sorrow - it empties today of strength. 	Corrie ten Boom

Hell must be isothermal; for otherwise the resident engineers and physical chemists (of which there must be some) could set up a heat engine to run a refrigerator to cool off a portion of their surroundings to any desired temperature.  	Henry Albert Ben, _The Second Law_

You'll NEED someone to love while you're looking for someone TO love. 	Selagh Delaney

Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke. 	Lynda Barry

Have you ever dated someone because you were too lazy to commit suicide? 	Judy Tenuta

Never date a woman you can hear ticking. 	Mark Patinkin

I require three things in a man.  He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.         Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

Women are cursed, and men are the proof. 	Rosanne Barr

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without  even considering if there are men on base. 	Dave Barry

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. 	Emo Philips

Women with pasts interest men... they hope history will repeat itself. 	Mae West (1893-1980)

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she  caught me with another woman.  I won't stand for that. 	Steve Martin

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it. 	Gary Shandling

My boyfriend and I broke up.  He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. 	Rita Rudner

What do I know about sex?  I'm a married man" 	Tom Clancy

Warning signs that lover is bored: 	1. Passionless kisses  	2. Frequent sighing  	3. Moved, left no forwarding address 		Matt Groening

I said to my girl, 'Was it good for you too?' And she said, 'I don't think this was good for anybody. 	Gary Shandling

I married the first man I ever kissed.  When I tell my children that, they just about throw up. 	Barbara Bush

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead. 	Ann Landers

Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. 	Mickey Rooney

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either? 	Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. 	Mae West (1893-1980)

I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.  I haven't had time for tobacco since. 	Arturo Toscanini

A self-balancing, 28-jointed adaptor-based biped; an electro-chemical reduction plant, integral with segregated stowages of special energy  extracts in storage batteries, for subsequent actuation of thousands  of hydraulic and pneumatic pumps, with motors attached; 62,000 miles  of capillaries....         R. Buckminster Fuller

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. P.J. O'Rourke

I mean, certainly no one actually wants to be whipped or spanked, right? Bettie Page (50's pinup model) on bondage scenes:  	Playboy, March 1993

...the fog is rising. 	Last words of  	Emily Dickinson (1830-1886)

Now comes the mystery. 	Last words of  	Henry Ward Beecher (1813-1887)

Friends applaud, the comedy is over. 	Last words of  	Ludwig von Beethoven (1770-1827)

Drink to me.         Last words of  	Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)

Why yes--a bulletproof vest. James Rodges, a murderer,  on his final request before the firing squad

And now, in keeping with Channel 40's policy of always bringing you the latest in blood and guts, in living color, you're about  to see another first--an attempted suicide. 	Chris Hubbock, who shot herself during a broadcast

What is life?  It is the flash of a firefly in the night.  It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime.  It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.         Crowfoot's last words (1890)
        (Blackfoot warrior and orator)

This is no time to make new enemies.         Voltaire, (1694-1778)  when asked on his deathbed to forswear Satan.

Goodnight   last word of Lord Byron (1788-1824)

Jefferson still survivies. 	John Adams (1735-1826) 	last words after a lifetime competing with Thomas Jefferson

Is it the Fourth?         Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

More light! Give me more light!        Goethe (1749-1832)

Dieu me pardonnera. C'est son metier. (God will forgive me. It's his job.)  Heinrich Heine (1797-1856)

They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance. last words of Gen. John Sedgwick 1864

This isn't Hamlet, you know, It's not meant to go into the bloody ear. Lawrence Olivier's last words spoken to his nurse, who spilt water over him while trying to moisten his lips.         Reported by his son Tarquin

Die my dear Doctor? That's the last thing I shall do! last words of Henery John Temple Palmerston (1784-1865) Prime Minister of GB (1855-1858 and 1859-1865)

Show my head to the people, it is worth seeing. Georges Jacques Danton (1759-1794), to his executioner

It is well, I die hard, but I am not afraid to go. Last words of George Washington, 14 December 1799.

I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country. 	Last words of Nathan Hale, 22 September 1776.

Thank God, I have done my duty. Kismet, Hardy.	Last words of	Adm. Horatio Nelson, 21 Oct 1805.

This is the last of earth!  I am content. Last words of John Quincy Adams, 21 February 1848.

Chief of the Army. Last words of Napoleon I [Napoleon Bonaparte], 1821.

I still live. 	Last words of	Daniel Webster, 24 October 1852.

I now have no time to be tired. 	Last words ofWilhelm I, 8 March 1888.

Strike the tent. 	Last words of	Robert E[dward] Lee, 12 October 1870.

Now comes the mystery. 	Last words of 	Henry Ward Beecher, 8 March 1887.

Let us cross the river, and rest under the trees. 	Last words of 	Thomas Jonathan [Stonewall] Jackson, 10 May 1863.

I have tried so hard to do the right. 	Last words of Grover Cleveland, 1908.

So little done--so much to do. 	Last words of 	Cecil John Rhodes {Founder of the Rhodes Scholarships}, 1902.

Put out the light. Last words of Theodore Roosevelt, 6 January 1919.

Turn up the lights--I don't want to go home in the dark. 	Last words of 	O. Henry [William Sydney Porter], 5 June 1910.

I realize that patriotism is not enough.  I must have no hatred or bitterness towards anyone. 	Last words of 	Edith Cavell, before her execution by the Germans, 12 October 1915.

How is the Empire? 	Last words of 	George V, 21 January 1936.

"....I've got to get to the top of the hill.." 	Last words of 	John Pierpont Morgan (1913)

Some rainy winter Sundays when there's a little boredom, you should always carry a gun.  Not to shoot yourself, but to know exactly that you're always making a choice. 	Lina Wertmuller

There is no need to sally forth, for it remains true that those things which make us human are, curiously enough, always close at hand. Resolve then, that on this very ground, with small flags waving and tiny blasts of tiny trumpets, we have met the enemy, and not only may he be ours, he may be us. 	Walt Kelly

You can tune a radio, but you can't tune a fish.

"... it is important to realize that any lock can be picked with a big enough hammer." 	Sun System & Network Admin manual

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be reguarded as a criminal offense. 	E.W. Dijkstra

As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought.  Debugging had to be discovered.  I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs. 	Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949

Now that we have all this useful information, it would be nice to do something with it.  (Actually, it can be emotionally fulfilling just to get the information.  This is usually only true, however, if you have the social life of a kumquat.) 	Unix Programmer's Manual

Do not expose your LaserWriter to fire or intense heat Apple LaserWriter manual

All parts should go together without forcing.  You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you.  Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason.  By all means, do not use a hammer. 	IBM maintenance manual, 1925

Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.'' 	Dick Brandon

Call my dad, my mom's too busy. Chelsea Clinton, when the school nurse told her parental permission would be necessary for her to take some aspirin.

If little else, the brain is an educational toy.	Tom Robbins

Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none. 	William Shakespeare (1564-1616)

I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow.         Woodrow Wilson (1856-1924)

A mind once stretched by a new idea never regains its original dimension.        Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)

O God, that men should put an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains!        Othello

The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.  This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.

I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.

The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.

I just found out that the brain is like a computer.  If that's true, then there really aren't any stupid people.  Just people running DOS.

Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. 	Lewis Grizzard

Believe me! The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously!         Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

Do not fear death so much but rather the inadequate life.         Bertolt Brecht (1898-1956)

We all live in the protection of certain cowardices which we call our principles.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"Off days" are a part of life, I guess, whether you're a cartoonist, a neurosurgeon, or an air-traffic controller.  	Gary Larson.

Life? Don't talk to me about life! Douglas Adams  (Marvin the Paranoid Android) The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy

Last words are for people who haven't said anything in life.         Karl Marx (1818-1883)

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives. 	John Stuart Mill (1806-1873)

A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.         Robert Frost (1874-1963)

The modern definition of 'racist' is someone who is winning an argument with a liberal.        Peter Brimelow, National Review (2/1/93)

The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds,The pessimist fears it is true.        J. Robert Oppenheimer (1904-1967)

Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers.  This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.        Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

Nobel prize money is a lifebelt thrown to a swimmer who has already reached the shore in safety. George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few years enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and left. Excited a few men in the meantime.         Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's involvement in         "The Avengers" (interview, Washington Post, Sept. 6, 1987)

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.         Lyall Watson

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds,adored by little statesman and philosophers and divines.        Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.         Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

You can rot here without feeling it.-John Rechy

I was one of Them: the Strange Ones.  The Funny People.  The Odd Tribes of autograph collectors and photographers.  The Ones who waited through long days and nights, who used other people's dreams for their lives. 				-Ray Bradbury

Nothing is as Nice as Developing Fontana -Current official slogan of city of Fontana

It's tacky, very, very tacky.  But maybe I should be grateful.  People tell me it used to be worse. -Recently arrived Fontana resident

We're not a security guard company.  We sell a *concept* of security. -Michael Kaye, president of Westec, a residential security company.

As part of it's 'Astro' program LAPD helicopters maintain an average nineteen-hours-per-day vigil over 'high crime areas', tactically coordinated to patrol car forces, and exceeding even the British Army's aerial surveillance of Belfast. 				-Mike Davis "City of Quartz"

Tonight we pick 'em up for anything and everything. -LAPD spokesman

This is war...we're exceedingly angry....We want to get the message out to the cowards out there, and that's what they are, rotten little cowards - we want the message to go out that we're going to come and get them.				-Ex-LAPD chief Daryl Gates

This is the era of the police.  If I were chief, I'd ask for as many as I could. -Councilmember Richard Alatorre

We may be finding that in some Blacks when [the carotid chokehold] is applied the veins or arteries do not open up as fast as they do in normal people. -Chief Gates explaining the rash of deaths of young blacks while being held in custody

People in the neighborhood instead of being on our side, make all kinds of accusations. -LAPD spokesperson complaining after a police supersweep done as part of Operation HAMMER

Gangs are never goin' to die out.  You all goin' to get us jobs? -16 year old Grape Street Crip	Gang-member

Time  is dead as long as it is being clicked off by little wheels; only when the clock stops does time come to life. William Faulkner (1897-1962)

I would rather see the portrait of a dog that I know, than all the allegorical paintings they can show me in the world. Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion. Francis Bacon (1561-1626) Of Beauty

It was mentioned on CNN that the new prime number discovered recently is four times bigger then the previous record. John Blasik

Everything that can be invented has been invented.Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. patent office, 1899

Strategy is buying a bottle of fine wine when you take a lady out for dinner. Tactics is getting her to drink it. Frank Muir

I have never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.  George Gobel

You have to be deviant if you're going to do anything new.        David Lee

The only unnatural sexual act is that which you cannot perform.    Alfred Kinsey

If you are ever in an S&M relationship, make damn sure you are the S. Found in a .sig quoting his mother

Morality is the herd-instinct in the individual.        Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

I'm an experienced woman; I've been around... well, alright, I might not've been around, but I've been... nearby. 	Mary Richards (Mary Tyler Moore Show)

I'm a man of the world, Andy.  Why, I've even been to Raleigh! Deputy Barney Fife (Don Knotts on the Andy Griffith Show)

You make 'em, I amuse 'em. [children] 	Dr. Seuss a.k.a. Theodore Giesel

... Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them. 	Dr. Seuss a.k.a. Theodore Giesel

Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Whenever you fall, pick up something         Oswald Theodore Avery

Anyone who is not shocked by quantum theory has not understood it. 	Niels Bohr (1885-1962)

Reality's failure rate is similar to [that of] other barrier contraceptives. 	Quote from Science News

Models are to be used, not believed. 	H. Theil `Principles of Econometrics'

Entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem (Entities must not be multiplied beyond necessity.)  	William of Occam

Theories should be as simple as possible, but not simpler.         Albert Einstein (1879-1955) (paraphrase)

Tongue - a variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses  	 the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow. 	Bob Ekstrom, Pitt, MN

Bisonburger from the herd that appeared in 'Dances With Wolves.' 	On the menu at Al's Oasis in Oacama, South Dakota

I once complained to my father that I didn't seem to be able to do things  the same way other people did.  Dad's advice? 'Margo, don't be a sheep.  People hate sheep. They eat sheep.' 	Margo Kaufman

We gladly feast on those who would subdue us ... not just pretty words, Fester. 	Morticia Addams - from the Addams Family movie

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.         Rita Mae Brown

Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event.        Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

God gave us our memories so that we might have roses in December.         J.M. Barrie (1860-1937)

A facility for quotation covers the absence of original thought. 	Lord Peter Wimsey (Dorothy L. Sayers, "Gaudy Night")

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.         W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965)

Confound those who have said our remarks before us.         Aelius Donatus

With just enough of learning to misquote.         Lord Byron (1788-1824)

A quotation, like a pun, should come unsought, and then be welcomed  only for some propriety of felicity justifying the intrusion. 	Robert Chapman

Next to the originator of a good sentence is the first quoter of it. I hate quotations.  Tell me what you know.         Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

Quotations (such as have point and lack triteness) from the great old authors are an act of reverence on the part of the quoter, and a blessing to a public grown superficial and external.	Louise Guiney

He wrapped himself in quotations- as a beggar would enfold himself in the purple of Emperors.	Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)

To be occasionally quoted is the only fame I care for.	Alexander Smith

Famous remarks are very seldom quoted correctly. 	Simeon Strunsky

The most familiar quotations are the most likely to be misquoted... Some have settled down to false versions that have obscured the true ones.  They have passed over from literature into speech.	Carl Van Doren

What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it? 	Doctor Who

Life is like quotations. Sometimes, it makes you laugh. Sometimes, it makes you cry. Most of the time, you don't get it.

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956) on Shakespeare

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?): The Devil's Dictionary

I improve on misquotation. 	Cary Grant

Most people are other people.  Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Whoever in discussion adduces authority uses not intellect but memory. 	Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519)

By neccessity, by proclivity, -- and by delight, we all quote.         Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

I believe that religion can make a well-rounded person, or it can make an idiot.  What we've go going on here is an idiot. 	Purchasing agent for Baylor Baptist University, Waco, 	Texas, commenting on David Koresh and the Branch Dividians.

Poetry is the language in which man explores his own amazement. 	Christopher Fry

Poetry is to hold judgment on your soul.         Henrik Ibsen (1828-1906) 	Norweigen Playwright

When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existance. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.         John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)

There's no money in poetry, but there's no poetry in money, either. 	Robert Ranke Graves (b. 1895)

It is with words as with sunbeams.  The more they are condenced, the deeper they burn. 	Robert Southey (1774-1843)

Since the printing press came into being, poetry has ceased to be the delight of the whole community of man; it has become the amusement and delight of the few. 	John Masefield (1878-1967)

Adjectives are the potbelly of poetry. 	R.Z. Sheppard, book critic

Do not commit your poems to pages alone, sing them I pray you. 	Virgil (70-19 BC)

The most merciful thing in the world . . . is the inability  of the human mind to correlate all its contents. 	H.P. Lovecraft

That all our knowledge begins with experience, there is indeed no doubt....but although our knowledge originates WITH experience, it does not all arise OUT OF experience. 	Immanuel Kant (1724-1804)

Everybody's got plans...until they get hit. 	Mike Tyson, heavyweight champ  	on "plans" released by Tyrell Biggs' camp  	on how they would defeat the champ.

Reality isn't what it used to be. 	Walter Truett Anderson

A reasonable probability is the only certainty. 	E.W. Howe

We have to remember that what we observe is not nature in itself but nature exposed to our method of questioning. 	Werner Heisenberg

What happens depends on our way of observing it or on the fact that we observe it. 	Werner Heisenberg

My own suspicion is that the universe is not only queerer than we suppose, but queerer than we *can* suppose.

Dick Cavett:  "Do you consider yourself a disciplined guy?  Do you get up every day and `go to work'?" Jimi Hendrix: "Well, yeah.  I try to get up every day."

He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster.  And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.  Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

Stay away from needle drugs.  Richard Nixon is the only dope worth shooting. Abbie Hoffman

Reality is for those who can't take drugs.

Reality is a crutch for those who can't handle hard drugs.

If you want to solve the drug problem, improve reality.

Reality is what won't go away when you stop beliving in it. 	Phillip K Dick

I have not seen a newspaper in over a month, and feel much the better for it.         Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

This place makes Mayberry look like a think tank. Dennis Miller (told to me by a CV employee)

Who cares who's captain after the wings have fallen off.

Right now I'm a freshman in my fourth year at U.C.L.A., but my goal is to become a veternarian, 'cause I love children.

If we were the Monkees, we'd be ready by now. 	Frank Zappa,  while band is tuning instruments ( -Dec 4, 1993)

I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party. 	Dennis Miller, MCing the 1991 Emmies

PS.  Did you ever realize that Peter O'Toole has a double-phallic name? Dick Cavett quoting Groucho Marx

Why can't they invent something for us to marry instead of WOMEN? 	Fred Flintstone

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Heisenburg may have been here.

I've got one word for the eighties.  One word.  Handguns.  Disposable Handguns.

When we make mistakes they call it evil.  When God makes mistakes they call it Nature!         Jack Nicholson's character in The Witches of Eastwick

I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details.         Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

...that people often say about Him: "I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God." That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic--on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg--or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronising nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to. 	C. S. Lewis (1898-1963)         from _Mere_Christianity_

The only good cat is a stir fried cat. 	ALF

Radioactive cats have 18 half lives. 	anonymous

Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.  Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy  and taste good with ketchup.  Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer. 	anonymous

Women and cats do as they damned well please, and men and dogs had best learn to live with it. 	Alan Holbrook

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?  And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.         Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
        when asked to describe radio

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? 	Stephen Wright

The more people I meet, the more I like my cat. 	anonymous

In a cats mind, all things belong to cats 	anonymous

The only mystery about the cat is why it ever decided to become a domesticated animal   	Sir Compton MacKenzie

Who can believe that there is no soul behind those luminous eyes!   	Theophile Gautier (1811-1872)

If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat   Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Even overweight cats instinctively know the cardinal rule: when fat, arrange yourself in slim poses   	John Weitz

God made the cat in order that man might have the pleasure of caressing the lion   	Fernand Mery

If a fish is the movement of water embodied, given shape, then a cat is a diagram and pattern of subtle air 	Doris Lessing

I think not, therefore I am a cat 	your cat, sleeping on the stairs in the dark...

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that the cat has only nine lives. - Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar

Cats seem to go on the principle that it never  does any harm to ask for what you want. 	Joseph Wood Krutch

All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second. 	Jim Fiebig

Baseball is a skilled game.  It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.         Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss. 	Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"

I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes.  I hope they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em.         Will Rogers (1879-1935)

I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States.  The only thing is I could be just as proud for half the money. 	Arthur Godfrey

If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.

Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game.  You want us to pay income taxes, too? 	Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund. 	F. J. Raymond

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache. 	Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"

Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree." 	Russell Long

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.         Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly.  If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. So, for guidance, you want to look to big business.  Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... 	Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"

The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough voters to win the next election.

The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children.  Nothing can lift those seven milestones  from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

"The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, it's just a tired feeling:"

Unquestionably, there is progress.  The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money.  So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form. 	Dave Barry, "Sweating Out

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own laguage, and forthwith it is something entirely different. 	Goethe (1749-1832)

Any impatient student of mathematics or science or engineering who is irked by having algebraic symbolism thrust upon him should try to get  along without it for a week. 	Eric Temple Bell

I'm very well acquainted too with matters mathematical,  I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,  About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot of news--  With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse. 	Gilbert & Sullivan 	The Pirates of Penzance

There are a billion people in China.  It's not easy to be an individual in a crowd of more than a billion people.  Think of it.  More than a BILLION people. That means even if you're a one-in-a-million type of guy, there are still a thousand guys exactly like you." 	A. Whitney Brown, "The Big Picture"

Nobody can be exactly like me.  Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.         Tallulah Bankhead (1903-1968)

If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's  another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of  nonconformity.	Bill Vaughan

No man is an Island, entire of it self; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind;And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.	John Donne (1571? - 1631), _Meditation XVII_

There is as much difference between us and ourselves as there is between us and others.         Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1553-1592)

Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore? 	Henry Ward Beecher (1813-1887)

A book of quotations . . . can never be complete. 	Robert M. Hamilton

If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research.         Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)

Perhaps the reader may ask, of what consequence is it whether the author's  exact language is preserved or not, provided we have his thought?  The  answer is, that inaccurate quotation is a sin against truth.  It may appear  in any particular instance to be a trifle, but perfection consists in small  things, and perfection is no trifle. 	Robert W. Shaunon

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. 	Unknown

A friend is someone you call to help you move. A best friend is someone you call to help you move... a body. 	Anonymous

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.         W.C. Fields (1880-1946)

Only enemies speak the truth; friends and lovers lie endlessly, caught in the web of duty.	Stephen King        Roland from "The Last Gunslinger"

Truth, springs from agrument amongst friends. 	David Hume (1711-1776)

Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born. 	Anais Nin

When one is trying to do something beyond his known powers it is useless to seek the approval of friends.  Friends are at their best in moments of defeat.         Henry Miller (1891-1980)

The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but hold hands. 	Alexander Penney

The friendly cow all red and white, I love with all my heart: She gives me cream with all her might; to eat with apple tart.         Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1894)

I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful, one hundred percent.  	Horton - from Dr. Seuss's "Horton Hears a Who"

It would appear that we have reached the limits of what it is possible to achieve with computer technology, although one should be careful with such statements, as they tend to sound pretty silly in 5 years.         John Von Neumann (ca. 1949)

There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.         Ken Olsen , CEO DEC 1977

No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris ...  [because] no known motor can run at the requisite speed for four days without stopping.         Orville Wright (1871-1948) 	(c. 1908)

Inventions reached their limit long ago, and I see no hope for further development.         Julius Frontinus, 1st century A.D.

What can be more palpably absurd than the prospect held out of locomotives travelling twice as fast as stagecoaches?         The Quarterly Review (England), March 1825

I can see the time when every city will have one. An American mayor's reaction to the news of the invention of the telephone

I find the question "Why are we here?" typically human.  I'd suggest "Are we here?" would be the more logical choice.         Leonard Nimoy

Why think?  Why not try the experiment? 	John Hunter

The true worth of an experimenter consists in his pursuing not only what he seeks in his experiment, but also what he did not seek.         Claude Bernard (1813-1878)

Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 1.  If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. 2.  If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.

A fact is a simple statement that everyone believes.  It is innocent, unless found guilty.  A hypothesis is a novel suggestion that no one  wants to believe.  It is guilty, until found effective. 	Edward Teller

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. (Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.)      Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under communism, it's just the opposite.         John Kenneth Galbraith

We should have had socialism already, but for the socialists.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?         Arlo Guthrie

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed.  This world in arms is not spending money alone.  It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.  This is not a way of life at all in any true sense.  Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron. Dwight David Eisenhower (1890-1969) April 16, 1953

A nation is a society united by delusions about its ancestry and by a common hatred of its neighbors.         Dean Inge

No poor bastard ever won a war by dying for his country.  He won it by making  other bastards die for their country.          General George Patton (1885-1945)

Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.          Will Rogers (1879-1935)

To conquer the enemy without resorting to war is the most desirable.  The  highest form of generalship is to conquer the enemy by strategy.  	Sun Tze Ancient Chinese Warlord

Vietnam is a jungle. You had jungle warfare. Kuwait, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, you have sand.  [There is no need to worry about a protracted war because] from a historical basis, Middle East conflicts do not last a long time. 	Vice President Dan Quayle, 10/2/90 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

[The U.S. victory in Gulf war was] a stirring victory for the forces of aggression. 	Vice President Dan Quayle, 4/11/91 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

Very little is known about the War of 1812 because the Americans lost it. 	Eric Nicol

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals.  That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.It's just that they need more supervision.        Lynn Lavner - as published in PFLAG

After all, he thought he was God. 	FBI agent on why it was difficult to negotiate with David Koresh

God created sex.  Priests created marriage.         Voltaire (1694-1778)

Mayonnaise:  One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

An apology for the devil:it must be remembered that we have heard one side of the case.  God has written all the books.         Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

In the beginning Man created God; and in the image of Man created he him. 	"Aqualung" - Jethro Tull

I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Let us overthrow the totems, break the taboos.  Or better, let us consider them cancelled.  Coldly, let us be intelligent. 	Pierre Trudeau - Prime Minister of Canada 1968-1979

What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.         Sigmund Freud (1856-1939)

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.         Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

Mad, adj:  Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) "The Devil's Dictionary"

Man has made use of his intelligence, he invented stupidity. 	Remy de Gourmont (1858-1915)

The intelligent man is one who has successfully fulfilled many accomplishments, and is yet willing to learn more.         Ed Parker, Grandmaster, American Kenpo.

Over the past ten years, for the first time, intelligence had become socially correct for girls.         Tom Wolfe, "Bonfire of the Vanities"

That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting.      	Marvin, _Life, the Universe, and Everything_ by Douglas Adams

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.         John Maynard Keynes (1883-1946)

Books must follow sciences, and not sciences books.         Francis Bacon (1561-1626)

I almost think it is the ultimate destiny of science to exterminate the human race. 	Thomas Love Peacock (1785-1866)

The folly of mistaking a paradox for a discovery, a metaphor for a proof, a torrent of verbiage for a spring of capital truths, and oneself for an oracle, is inborn in us.        Paul Vale'ry (1871-1945) in 1895

What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising?   Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical  advertising uses truth to deceive the public. 	Vilhjalmur Stefanss

I never could tell a lie that anybody would doubt,  nor a truth that anybody would believe.   ~~  Mark Twain (1835-1910)

A lie can travel halfway round the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.        Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.        Mark Twain (1835-1910)

I want to know the truth, however perverted that may sound.	Stephen Wolfram

In Einstein's theory of relativity the observer is a man who sets out in quest of truth armed with a measuring-rod.  In quantum theory he sets out with a sieve.	Sir Arthur Eddington

Truth I have no trouble with, it's the facts I get all screwed up.	Farley Mowat

"Well, now, hold onta yer horses, there, Frazier.  I mean, as a psychiatrist, isn't it your job to, uh, `seek and uphold the truth'?" "Oh, get real, Cliff."        Cheers

The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards 	Alexander Jablokov "The Place of No Shadows"

I can be expected to look for truth but not to find it.	Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

Your motivation?  Your motivation is your pay packet on Friday.  Now get on with it.           Noel Coward (1899-1973) to an actor.

When shit becomes valuable, the poor will be born without assholes.        Henry Miller (1891-1980)

When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint.  When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist.	Dom Helder Camara

I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I never write policeman because I can get the same money for cop.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point.         Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

Faith:  not *wanting* to know what is true.         Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism. 	Carl Sagan, "Contact"

The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself.	Sir Richard F. Burton

We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love, one another. 	Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)

The Baptists' basic theology is that if you hold someone under water long enough, he'll come around to your way of thinking.  It's a ritual known as 'Bobbing for Baptists.'	A. Whitney Brown, "The Big Picture"

If there is, in fact, a Heaven and a Hell, all we know for sure is that Hell will be a viciously overcrowded version of Phoenix... 	Hunter S. Thompson, Generation of Swine

What is there left to a generation that has been told that there is poison in the rain and sex is death?  Nothing but TV and relentless masturbation. 	Hunter S. Thompson

It seems to me, Golan, that the advance of civilization is nothing but an exercise in the limiting of privacy. 	Janov Pelorat in Asimov's Foundation's Edge

Before I go out to take a picture of someone, I just stop at the city desk and say, 'Do you want him gazing out toward the sunset or picking his nose?' 	Calvin Trillin

Safewords: Pronounce the consonants. A string of vowels doesn't sound all  that different from the noises you're making anyway.         Troy H. Cheek

Life's too short for chess. 	H.J. Byron _Our Boys_

This is why God invented network television. 	Ted Harbert, pres. of ABC Entertainment, opining on Oprah Winfrey's interview of Michael Jackson.

There are two types of people, those who can be categorized into one  of two kinds of people, and those who can't. Actually there are THREE types of people: those who can count, and those who can't.

Actually there are two types of people.  Those who finish what they're doing, and so on....

COSE is a verb not a noun. 	Scott McNealy

If debugging is the art of removing bugs, then programming must be the art of inserting them. 	Unknown

Be humble for you are made of dung.  Be noble for you are made of stars.	Serbian proverb

How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?	Jay Leno

Separate together in a bunch. [And don't] stand around so much in little bundles!	director Michael Curtiz to movie extras

Equal Rights were created for everyone.        contesant in 1990 Mr. New Jersey Male pageant

Once they were men. Now they are land crabs.        dialogue from 'Attack of the Crab Monsters'

I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue.         Richard Nixon, discussing Watergate (1913-1994)

I love California. I grew up in Phoenix.         Dan Quayle

Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.         ad slogan 'Pepsi Comes Alive' as initially translated into Chinese

I desire the Poles carnally.        President Jimmy Carter's mistranslation in a 1977 speech in Poland

"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been". 	President Gerald Ford

"That's part of American greatness, is discrimination. Yes, sir. Inequality, I think, breeds freedom and gives a man opportunity". 	Lester Maddox, ex-governor of Georgia

"Wherever I have gone in this country, I have found Americans". 	Alf Landon, during his speech in his presidential campaign against FDR

"You're a parasite for sore eyes" 	actor Gregory Ratoff

"Half this game is 90% mental" 	Danny Ozark, manager of the Phillies

"I've been traveling so much, I haven't had time to grow it". 	Bob Horner, Atlanta Braves third baseman, on why he hadn't grown a beard

"Isn't it a blessing of God it didn't hit him in the eye" ? 	an elderly woman, when she and two others found a dead robber on the road, 	shot through the right temple

"If we didn't have bonuses, we wouldn't have had anybody working for us". 	Drexel Burnham Lambert spokesperson, explaining why the company gave over	$195 million in bonuses just before it filed for bankruptcy

"Captial punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life". 	Orrin Hatch, Republican senator

"While you are away, movie stars are taking your women. Robert Redford is dating your girlfriend, Tom Selleck is kissing your lady, Bart Simpson is making love to your wife". 	Baghdad Betty, Iraqi radio announcer, to gulf war troops

"The boys never meant any harm against the girls. They just meant to rape". 	Joyce Kithira, deputy principal of a Kenyan boarding school, commenting on 	a raid of a girls' dormitory by a gang of boys who raped 71 girls and 	killed 19

"This country needs a spear chucker, and I think we've got him up on this podium". 	Eugene Dorff, mayor of Kenosha, Wisconsin, introducing presidential candidate 	Jesse Jackson. He said later he had intended to say "straight shooter"

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on". 	movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn

"I want to gain 1,500 or 2,000 yards, whichever comes first". 	George Rogers, Saints running back

"If crime went down 100%, it would still be 50 times higher than it shoud be" 	Councilman John Bowman commenting on the high crime in Washington

I believe that mink are raised for being turned into fur coats and if we didn't wear fur coats those little animals would never have been born. So is it better not to have been born or to have lived for a year or two to have been turned into a fur coat? I don't know. 	Barbi Benton ex-playboy bunny

[He] looks at foreign affairs through the wrong end of a municipal drainpipe.         Winston Churchill (1874-1965) (of Chamberlain)

Who will relieve me of this Wuthering Height         Winston Churchill (1874-1965)(of Sir Stafford Cripps at a dinner party.)

If heaven is going to be full of people like Hardie, well, the Almighty can have them to himself.         Winston Churchill (1874-1965) (of Keir Hardie)

There but for the grace of God goes God.         Winston Churchill (1874-1965) (of Cripps)

It might be said that Lord Rosebery outlived his future by ten years and his past by more than twenty.        Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

[On recognizing China] But if you recognize anyone it does not mean you like them.  For instance, we all recognize the right honourable gentleman the member for Ebbw Vale.         Winston Churchill (1874-1965) (on Mr Bevan)

Mother Theresa epitomizes for me the blinkered charitableness upon which we pride ourselves and for which we expect reward in this world and the next.  There is very little on earth that I hate more than that.         Germaine Greer

Plato had slaves...George Washington had slaves...  So, do I feel intrinsically better than these two men? Of course I do! They're dead! 	Todd Andrew Reid

But what about Bill Cosby ...  the man who is to fathers what Marla Maples is to slutty chorines?        Bruce Handy

Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly. I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was right. 	PJ O'Rourke

I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough. 	M.C.Escher

Chaos is the score upon which reality is written.         Henry Miller (1891-1980) _Tropic_Of_Capricorn_

Confusion is a word we have invented for an order which is not understood.         Henry Miller (1891-1980) _Tropic_Of_Capricorn_

There is no salvation in becoming adapted to a world which is crazy.         Henry Miller (1891-1980), _The_Colossus_Of_Maroussi_(1941)

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.         Alfred Hitchcock (1899-1980)

My teen angst has a body count. 	Veronica - "Heathers"

Philosophy is the highest music. 	Plato (427?-348? BC)

No Voice;  but oh!  the silence sank like music on my heart.         Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772-1834)

Music is sound's cognitive apologist.         Stephen Smoliar

I see music as the augmentation of a split second of time.      	Erin Cleary

Without music, life would be a mistake.         Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

How good bad music and bad reasons sound when we march against an enemy.         Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

Numerous politicians have seized absolute power and muzzled the press. Never in history has the press seized absolute power and muzzled the politicians.         David Brinkley

Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. 	Arthur C. Clarke

Hypocrisy is the vaseline of political intercourse. 	Billy Connolly on ABC's "Head Of the Class"

I gather, young man, that you wish to be a Member of Parliament. The first lesson that you must learn is, when I call for statistics about the rate of infant mortality, what I want is proof that fewer babies died when I was Prime Minister than when anyone else was Prime Minister. That is a political statistic.         Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

Politics is made up largely of irrelevancies. 	Dalton Camp

A sympathetic Scot summed it all up very neatly in the remark, "You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk dancing." 	Sir Arnold Bax

I can't see the point in the theatre.  All that sex and violence. I get enough of that at home.  Apart from the sex, of course. 	Baldrick - Sense and Senility

Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

CALIFORNIA:  From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or "fornication." Hence:  Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." 	Ed Moran, Covina, California

Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact. 	George Eliot (1819-1880)

Language exists only on the surface of our consciousness.  The great human  struggles are played out in silence and in the ability to express oneself. 	Franz Xavier Kroetz

If it is true that words have meanings, why don't we throw away words and keep just the meanings?         Ludwig Wittgenstein via Anatol Holt

Sticks and stones will break our bones, but words will break our hearts... 	Robert Fulghum

For I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and big words Bother me. 	Winnie-the-Pooh

The words `I am...' are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you. 	A. K. Kitselman

It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase  'As pretty as an Airport' appear. 	Douglas Adams

O words of love, O words divine!  The silver thought, the golden line!  Of all men's words, there's none so fine,  As these three words: 'I've got mine!' 	Hagar the Horrible

There is nothing outside the text.         Jacques Derrida         the quote is the foundation of Deconstruction

"Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana."         Example of why it is difficult to get computers to understand human speech

"It's hard to recognize speech." Example of why it is difficult to get computer to recognize human speech. (phonetically equivilant to: It's hard to wreck a nice beach.)

We often think that when we have completed our study of one we know all about two, because 'two' is 'one and one.' We forget that we have still to make of a study of 'and.' 	Sir Arthur Eddington

"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone. "It means just what I choose it to mean - neither more or less."   "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many different things."   "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master - that's all."         Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (Lewis Carroll) (1832-1898)

I have found you an argument: but I am not obliged to find you an understanding.         Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that he sometimes has to eat them.         Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)

I think I am a verb.         R. Buckminster Fuller

What you are shouts so loud in my ears I cannot hear what you say.         Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

All last year we tried to teach him English, and the only word he learned was million. 	Tommy Lasorda, on pitcher Fernando Valenzuela

It is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer, or the baker, that we expect our dinner, but from their regard to their own self-interest. We address ourselves, not to their humanity but to their self-love, and never talk to them of our own neccessities but of their advantages.         Adam Smith (1723-1790)

The market is not an invention of capitalism.  It has existed for centuries.  It is an invention of civilization. Mikhail Gorbachev (June 8, 1990)

A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.         Samuel Butler (1835-1902) 	said in 1885

The worst crime against working people is a company which  fails to operate at a profit.	Samuel Gompers (1850-1924) 	said in 1908

Fine art and pizza delivery, what we do falls neatly in between! 	David Letterman

Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone         John Maynard Keynes (1883-1946)

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. 	Shirley Temple

The least deviation from truth will be multiplied later. 	Aristotle (384-322 BC)

A 'No' uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.         Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

...Clean up complexion, soften eye lines, soften smile line, add color to lips, trim chin, remove neck lines, soften line under ear lobe, add highlights to earrings, add blush to cheek, clean up neck line, remove stray hair, remove hair strands from dress, adjust color and add hair on top of head, add dress on side to create better line... Total: $1,525.00.         The invoice for retouching the cover photo of  	Michelle Pfeiffer in the December, 1990, issue  	of Esquire magazine, obtained by Harper's.   	The photo's caption reads, "What Michelle Pfeiffer  	Needs...Is Absolutely Nothing."

Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy of him that brought her birth. 	John Milton (1608-1674)

A technique succeeds in mathematical physics, not by a clever trick, or a  happy accident, but because it expresses some aspect of a physical truth. 	O.G. Sutton

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 	Niels Bohr (1885-1962)

Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure  I'll never find out the truth. 	Ashleigh Brilliant

I never give them hell.  I just tell the truth and they think it's hell.         Harry S Truman (1884-1972)

My field is day-to-day street life.  I don't want to create fake pictures. Paul Marciano, on why only real men are used in Guess advertisements

We always use models.  It's difficult to find real women who fit what we're trying to say.  Real women, they aren't as cooperative as real men. Paul Marciano, on why no real women are used in Guess advertisements

Women's liberationists operate as Typhoid Marys carrying a germ. 		Phyllis Schlafly

A woman's nature is, simply, other-oriented....Women are ordained by their nature to spend themselves in meeting the needs of others. Connaught C. Marshner, "The New Traditional Woman" 1982

The woman who is truly Spirit-filled will want to be totally submissive to her husband...This is a truly liberated woman.  Submission is God's design for women.		Beverly LaHaye, "The Spririt-Controlled Woman"

I was conceived out of wedlock.  I could've been aborted.  I hope and think that my parents wouldn't have, but I'm just real glad they didn't even have the choice. 	Randall Terry, founder of Operation Rescue

He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.	M.C. Escher

Nature is earlier than man, but man is earlier than natural science.        von Weizsacker

Pardon him, Theodotus: he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)	"Ceaser and Cleopatra"

It is fatal to be right when the rest of the world is wrong.   	Brother Theodore

A thing can be true and still be desperate folly. Richard Adams, _Watership Down_

Because we do not understand the brain very well we are constantly tempted to use the latest technology as a model for trying to understand it.  In my childhood we were always assured that the brain was a telephone switchboard.  ('What else could it be?')  I was amused to see that Sherrington, the great British neuroscientist, thought that the brain worked like a telegraph system.  Freud often compared the brain to hydraulic and electro-magnetic systems.  Leibniz compared it to a mill, and I am told some of the ancient Greeks thought the brain functions like a catapult.  At present, obviously, the metaphor is the digital computer.	John R. Searle MINDS, BRAINS AND SCIENCE, p 44

Every culture has its distinctive and normal system of government. Yours is democracy, moderated by corruption. Ours is totalitarianism,moderated by assassination.	Unknown Russian

Practice safe government. Use kingdoms.

The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions that I wish it to be always kept alive.         Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

The marvel of all history is the patience with which men and women submit to burdens unnecessarily laid upon them by their governments. 	William H. Borah

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. 	Dave Barry

He is one of those peple who would be enormously improved by death         H.H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion.  Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family... 	Berke Breathed 	Bloom Country Babylon

The only completely consistent people are the dead.         Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

When the Black Camel comes for me, I'm not going to go kicking and screaming. I am, however, going to try to talk my way out of it.   "No, no, you want the other Walter Slovotsky." 	Walter Slovotsky, _The Warrior Lives_   	by Joel Rosenberg

We owe a deep debt of gratitude to Adam, the first great benefactor of the human race: he brought death into the world.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Not till we are lost, in other words, not till we have lost the world, do we  begin to find ourselves, and realize the infinite extent of our relations.         Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night. In between, I occupy myself as best I can.         Cary Grant

The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be.	Socrates (470-399 BC)

My specific goal is to revolutionize the future of the species.   Mathematics is just another way of predicting the future. 	Ralph Abraham

Mathematics transfigures the fortuitous concourse of  atoms into the tracery of the finger of God. 	Herbert Westren Turnbull

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.   Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.	Anonymous

God does not care about our mathematical difficulties.  He integrates empirically.         Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

You can not apply mathematics as long as words still becloud reality. 	Hermann Weyl

There is an astonishing imagination, even in the science of mathematics... We repeat, there was far more imagination in the head of Archimedes than in  that of Homer.         Voltaire (1694-1778)

How did Biot arrive at the partial differential equation? [the heat conduction  equation] . . . Perhaps Laplace gave Biot the equation and left him to sink or  swim for a few years in trying to derive it.  That would have been merely an  instance of the way great mathematicians since the very beginnings of mathematical  research have effortlessly maintained their superiority over ordinary mortals. 	Clifford Truesdell

What a price we pay for experience, when we must sell our youth to buy it.	Javan

There's no fool like an old fool --- you can't beat experience. 	Jacob Braude

If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it--and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid.  She will never sit on a hot stove lid again--and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.         Dan Stanford

Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.         anonymous

Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lessons afterwards.         anonymous

Good judgement comes from experience.  Experience comes from bad judgement.          Jim Horning

Experience consists of experiencing that which one does not wish to experience 	quoted by Freud in "Jokes and Their Relation To The Unconscience?"

Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.Oliver's Law

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

...and the possibility of developing paranoia, slight memory loss and laziness. But, it says, "the lethal dose of cannabis is a 2-kilo block dropped on your head  from the 25th floor of a high-rise building. In other words - cannabis can't kill  you, it is not a poison like alcohol, and not addictive like cigarettes. 	from _Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Drugs,  	     but Were Afraid to Ask Your Children_

Chicken Soup:  An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. 	Arthur Naiman

Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.         W.S. Gilbert (1836-1911)

A cap of good acid costs five dollars and for that you can hear the  Universal Symphony with God singing solo and the Holy Ghost on drums. 	Hunter S. Thompson

Though one should be prepared to vomit rather frequently and disport with pink elephants and assorted grotesqueries while trying often unsuccessfully to make one's way to the toilet. 	William F. Buckley Jr. - in response to previous statement

If God dropped acid, would he see people? 	Steven Wright

Knowledge is expensive. Hanna Gray, current president of the University of Chicago

Education is the best provision for old age. 	Aristotle (384-322 BC)

Education makes a people easy to lead, but difficult to drive; easy to govern but impossible to enslave. Baron Henry Peter Brougham

The two most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 	Harlan Ellison.

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to  entertain a thought without accepting it. 	Aristotle (384-322 BC)

Our American professors like their literature clear, cold, pure and very dead. 	Sinclair Lewis (1885-1951)

It's not by amusing oneself that one learns.         Anatole France (1844-1924)

It's only by amusing oneself that one can learn. 	Edward Kasner and James R. Newman

Curiosity is the very basis of education and if you tell me that curiosity killed the cat, I say only the cat died nobly. Arnold Edinborough

A little learning is a dangerous thing but a lot of ignorance is just as bad. 	Bob Edwards

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe. 	H.G. Wells (1885-1946)

One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell without laughing.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Public display of mourning is no longer made by people of fashion, although some flashier kinds of widows may insist on sleeping with only black men  during the first year after the death.	PJ O'Rourke

Rincewind had been told that death was just like going into another room. The difference is, when you shout, 'Where's my clean socks?' no-one answers.	Terry Pratchett, "Eric"

"A penny for your thoughts?"  "A dollar for your death."   	Felix and Oscar, from the Odd Couple

Rather, she [ Death ] simply is the Ultimate Hostess who tells  you when your table's ready.  It's up to other powers what  section you're seated in (smoking or non-smoking). 	John C. Straffin

Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They  seem more afraid of life than death. 	James F. Byrnes

Yea, though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil, for I am  the meanest son of a bitch in the valley. Karl Cullinane _The Silver Crown_ by Joel Rosenberg

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. 	Joseph Stalin (1879-1953)

Feminism is the radical concept that women are people. 	Cheris Kramarae & Paula Treichler

Women constitute half the world's population, perform nearly two-thirds of its work hours, receive one-tenth of the world's income and own less than one-hundredth of the world's property.	United Nations report, 1980

I love the women's movement...especially when I'm walking behind it. 	Rush Limbaugh

If men menstruated, they would brag about how much and for how long. Gloria Steinem

No Woman gets an orgasm from shining the kitchen floor 	Betty Friedan

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. . . luckily, it's not difficult. 	Charlotte Whitton

It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages  women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft,  destroy capitalism and become lesbians. 	televangelist Marion "Pat" Robertson,        	speaking of the Equal Rights Amendment

Heaven goes by favour.  If it went by merit, you would stay out and  your dog would go in. Mark Twain (1835-1910)

In Washington, it's dog eat dog.  In academia, it's exactly the opposite. 	Robert Reich, the Secretary of Labor

A woman's preaching is like a dog's walking on his hinder legs. It is not done well; but you are surprised to find it done at all.         Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

The purpose of a liberal arts education is to learn that a person can like both cats *and* dogs! 	Sonjay Anand

Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be  liable to a fine of one pound.  Any animal leading a blind person  shall be deemed to be a cat. 	Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London

When a dog bites a man that is not news, but when a man bites a dog that is news. 	Charles Anderson Dana (1819-1897)

Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.  Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement. 	Snoopy 	(Charles Schultz)

Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion. 	Robertson Davies

No one who has read official documents needs to be told how easy it is to conceal the essential truth under the apparently candid and all-disclosing phrases of a voluminous and particularizing report.... 	Woodrow Wilson, _Congressional Government_, p. 109

Today, a successful Congressman has the fundraising ability of a hooker trying to raise cab fare home.... 	John L. Jackley, New York Times, 10/29/90, p. A15.

He's suffering from Politicians' Logic.  Something must be done,  this is something, therefore we must do it. 	YES, PRIME MINISTER

I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but  I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head     George Wallace

Politics is just like show business.  You have a hell of an opening, coast for a while, and then have a hell of a close.	Ronald Reagan

The danger from computers is not that they will eventually get as smart as men, but that we will meanwhile agree to meet them halfway." 	Bernard Avishai

In a way, staring into a computer screen is like staring into an eclipse. It's brilliant and you don't realize the damage until its too late." 	Bruce Sterling

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident.  That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.	Nathaniel Borenstein

And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report. 	Dave Barry

An old puzzle asks how a barometer can be used to measure the height of a building.  Answers range from dropping the instrument from the top and measuring the time of its fall to giving it to the building's superintendent in return for a look at the plans.  A modern version of the puzzle asks how a personal computer can balance a checkbook.  An elegant solution is to sell the machine and deposit the money. 	Jon Bentley, More Programming Pearls

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done. 	Andy Rooney

If the automobile had followed the same development cyclee as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside." 	Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld

It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that have had prior exposure to BASIC; as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. 	Professor Edsger Dijkstra

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes.         Professor Edsger Dijkstra

Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies 	Bill Bulko

All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. 	Unknown

You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of Fortran. 	Alan Perlis

It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.   What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing  thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? 	Alan Perlis

Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.   	Kulawiec

Real Programmers don't write in COBOL.  COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers.

Real Programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.

Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.  FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.

Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of those pinko computer science languages.  Strong typing is for people with weak memories.

Real Programmers don't comment their code.  If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

Real Programmers don't write specs -- users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.

Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to changer clothes.  Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a  mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.

In pioneer days they used oxen for heavy pulling, and when one ox couldn't budge a log, they didn't try to grow a larger ox.  We shouldn't be trying for bigger computers, but for more systems of computers.	G. Hopper

Life was simple before World War II.  After that, we had systems. 	G. Hopper

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in. 	Bradley's Bromide

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up. 	James Magary

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way.  This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. 	Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal

The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against wacking them around a little. 	Porterfield

pixel, n.: A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.  	Jeff Meyer

Before a war military science seems a real science, like astronomy; but after a war it seems more like astrology. 	Rebecca West

War is just to those to whom war is necessary. 	Titus Livius

Humility must always be the portion of any man who receives acclaim earned in the blood of his followers and the sacrifices of his friends.         Dwight David Eisenhower (1890-1969)

Setting loose on the battlefield weapons that are able to learn may be one of the biggest mistakes mankind has ever made.  It could also be one of the last. 	Richard Forsyth - Machine Learning for Expert Systems

I don't go so far as to think that the only good Indians are dead Indians, but I believe nine out of ten are, and I shouldn't inquire too closely into the case of the tenth.  The most vicious cowboy has more moral principle than the average Indian." 	Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919)

To conclude, all other living creatures live orderly and well, after their own kind: we see them flock and gather together, and ready to make head and stand against all others of a contrary kind: the lions  as fell and savage as they be, fight not with one another: serpents  sting not serpents, nor bite one another with their venomous teeth:  nay the very monsters and huge fishes of the sea, war not amongst  themselves in their own kind: but believe me, man at man's hand  receiveth most harm and mischief.	Pliny The Elder

Jazz will endure just as long as people hear it through their feet instead of their brains 	John Philip Sousa (1854-1932)

Stay away from that jazz man, Lisa.  Nothing personal, I just fear the unfamiliar Marge Simpson (The Simpson's)

He should be most proud that the PMRC wants to put their obscene lyrics  sticker on his `Jazz From Hell' -- which is an instrumental album. 	Tony Shepps

Does that mean that Calculus with Sets & mappings is Calculus S&M? 	Professor Hrusa (CMU)

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be  beating a dead horse. 	Woody Allen

Bondage on a budget is much more satisfying.         Kevin A. Geiselman

The life of human beings is very short.  We are all going to die. Why should we cling so much to power? 	Algerian President Muhammad Boudiaf, 	seconds before being assassinated.  Newsweek July 13, 1992

Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends. 	Joseph Campbell, _Creative Mythology_

Now it is time that we were going, I to die and you to live, but which of us has the happier prospect is unknown to anyone but God. 	Socrates, in the Apology

Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live in the real world. 	Mary Shafer, NASA Ames Dryden

You only live once, so live under as many false names as possible. 	Dana McManus

Life is one long process of getting tired. 	Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. 	Kathy Norris

It seems to me to be a typical triumph of modern science to find the only part of Randolph that was not malignant, and remove it.         Evelyn Waugh (1903-1966), when Randolph Churchill had a 	benign tumour removed from his lung

"I was far too polite to ask." Gore Vidal, when asked whether the first person he had slept with was male or female

"Thank you"  Whistler (1834-1903), when approached by a man who said  "I passed by your house this morning, Mr Whistler"

I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.         Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing;  if you can fake that, you've got it made.         Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem.   If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem. 	John Paul Getty

My boy, when I want to play with a prick, I'll play with my own.         W.C. Fields (1880-1946) , when Louis B. Mayer (head of MGM)  	invited him to a round of golf

Philosophers say a great deal about what is absolutely necessary for  science, and it is always, so far as one can see, rather naive, and probably wrong.	Richard P. Feynman

University President: "Why is it that you physicists always require so much expensive equipment?  Now the Department of Mathematics requires  nothing but money for paper, pencils, and erasers . . . and the Department  of Philosophy is better still. It doesn't even ask for erasers." 	Told by Isaac Asimov

It is a great advantage for a system of philosophy to be substantially true.         George Santayana (1863-1952)

When Life does not find a singer to sing her heart she produces a philosopher to speak her mind. 	Kahlil Gibran

By all means marry.  If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.   If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.  	Socrates (470-399 BC)

If you want to get the plain truth, Be not concerned with right and wrong. The conflict between right and wrong Is the sickness of the mind. 	Seng-Ts'an

Quite a number of people also describe the German classical author, Shakespeare as belonging to the English literature, because - quite accidentally born at Stratford-on-Avon, he was forved by the authorities of that country to write in English. 	"Deutshcer Weckruf und Beobachter," 1940

Oh damn. Another clever plan shot to hell by its transparency. 	Mike Shappe

I cannot forecast to you the action of Russia. It is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.       future Prime Minister of the UK, Winston Churchill         broadcast on October 1, 1939        Winston Churchill - Radio Speech, 1. Okt. 19

My definition of an expert in any field is a person who knows enough about what's really going on to be scared.         P.J. Plauger

Aviation is proof, that given the will, we have the capacity to achieve the impossible.         Eddie Rickenbacker

If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music... and of aviation. 	Tom Stoppard

This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it.  He's doomed. Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast

Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. 	Marechal Ferdinand Foch,  	Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre

Quayle was very enthusiastic about signing author Tom Clancy to the National Space Council as an unpaid consultant (see his quote re: Red Storm Rising). Clancy, however, was not Quayle's first choice; that honor went to famed aviator Clutch Cargo.  A plan to approach him and offer him the position was scuttled when it was discovered that Mr. Cargo is a fictional character. 	reported in The New Republic, 7/3/89

Life is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die. 	Unknown

Your life is a Fellini movie lacking only Anita Ekberg with a cat on her head. 	Camille Paglia - Spy Magazine

There is a difference between art and life and that difference is readability. 	Marian Engel

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries  disappear and life stands explained.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Since this Galaxy began, vast civilizations have risen and fallen, risen and fallen, risen and fallen so often that it's quite tempting to think  that life in the Galaxy must be  (a) something akin to seasick-- space-sick, time sick, history sick or some such thing, and  (b) stupid. 	Douglas Adams - Life, the Universe and Everything

My philosophy of life is that the meek shall inherit nothing but debasement, frustration, and ignoble deaths. . . 	Harlan Ellison

He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it. 	Douglas Adams - Life, the Universe and Everything

Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. 	Eric Hoffer

The larger the island of knowledge, the longer the shoreline of wonder.  	Ralph W. Sockman

Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing.  People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.         Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

The true poet and the true scientist are not estranged. John Burroughs

I have heard from my master that those who have cunning devices use cunning in their affairs, and that those who use cunning in their affairs have cunning hearts.  Such cunning means the loss of pure simplicity.  Such a loss leads to restlessness of the spirit, and with such men the Tao will not dwell. 		Chuang Tzu, 3rd Century BC

And if they despise me who am an inventor, how much more should they be blamed who are not inventors but trumpeters and reciters of the works of others. 		Leonardo da Vinci

God created the world out of nothing, but the nothingness still shows through. 	Soren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-1855)

When you aim at nothing, you hit it. 	Anonymous

Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain.         William Faulkner (1897-1962)

It takes a long time to understand nothing. 	Edward Dahlberg (1900-1977)

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want 	Calvin, "Calvin and Hobbes" by Bill Watterson

Begin slowly and lightly with a very relaxed wrist movement, and beat steadily... Various special tools, like wire 'incorporatoprs' and spatulas, have been suggested for this process, but nothing can compare for efficiency with the human hand.             The Joy of Cooking - 1964 Edition p 516

To describe the beating of Egg Whites is almost as cheeky as advising how to lead a happy life. same source, p 515

When compelled to cook, I produce a meal that would make a sword swallower gag. 	Russell Baker

Life is too short to stuff a mushroom. 	Storm Jameson

I don't even butter my bread.  I consider that cooking. 	Katherine Cebrian

One hour of life, crowded to the full with glorious action, and filled with  noble risks, is worth whole years of those mean observances of paltry decorum.         	Sir Walter Scott (1771-1832), _Count Robert of Paris_

Question with boldness even the existance of God; because if there be one,  He must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blindfold fear.         Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the wish to find out,  which is the exact opposite.         Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

To doubt has more of faith ... than that blank negation of all such thoughts and feelings which is the lot of the herd of church-and-meeting trotters.         Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772-1834)

The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking.         Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas Instruments. 	Credits, "The Creation of the Universe"  	(A PBS scientific documentary)

I wish I could drink like a lady I can take one or two at the most. Three and I'm under the table -- Four and I'm under the host!         Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) 	[when asked to compose a poem on the spot, after four drinks]

"...a certain gentleman who shall be nameless, being already possessed of all the other characteristics of one born out of wedlock..."         Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) 	[About a bridge partner]

"Where does she find them?" 	Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) Upon hearing Clare Boothe Luce admit she: "was always kind to her inferiors"

`You did what you thought was right,' she said, surprisingly sympathetically. But then she added, `Do be careful not to do what you think's right again.  It does seem to have disasterous results.'        	John Mortimer,          "Rumpole for the Prosecution", p.246 (hb)

Live long and prosper, die short and in poverty, makes no difference to me. 	Marian Dodson/Anna Woodruff

Seize from every moment its unique novelty, and do not prepare your joys. 	Andre Gide (1876-1951)

If you're going to do something wrong, at least enjoy it. 	Leo Rosten

No theory is good except on condition that one uses it to go beyond.         Andre Gide (1876-1951)

Eagles soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.         Elf Sternberg

.. postmodernity, once the plaything of smarty-pants French guys, in truth belongs to the engagingly stupid.   	Newsweek

To my daughter Leonora without whose never failing sympathy and encouragement this book would have been completed in half the time. 	P.G. Wodehouse, quoted in Pepper's , p.199, #14

Nothing is guaranteed, except 3-D porn. 	Mike Kuniavsky, President, Ann Arbor Film Cooperative on the	difficulties of running a successful film series. 	(Village Voice, 5/25/93)

You are worth your weight in popcorn husks stuck between my teeth, and nobody needs you like I do. 	Meryn Cadell

"ABC News will be right back with the Great Quake of '89,  brought to you by Subaru." 	ABC News, October 18, 1989.

If you are not a part of the solution then you are a part of the precipitate. 	Unknown

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room  looking for a black cat which isn't there.   Charles Darwin (1809-1882)

Creditable arguments by respected scientists have led to the unfortunate conclusion that we cannot exist. Stuart Kaufmann in "The Origins of Order"

Now is the time for everyone who believes in the rule of reason to speak up against pathological science and its purveyors. 	John A. Wheeler

There has to be some way to measure success in the Service. British Leyland can measure success by the size of its profits. .... However, the Civil Service does not make profits or losses. , we measure success by the size of our staff and budget. 	Jonathan Lynn and Antony Jay,  [1988], p.59

When you've spent half your political life dealing with humdrum issues like the environment ... it's exciting to have a real crisis on your hands. 	Margaret Hilda Thatcher, on the Falklands Conflict.

I admire his confidence in talking about a subject of which he has taken the trouble to learn so little. 	Ernest Rutherford on Lord Kelvin

There are worse things to be than a bigot. I'd rather keep company with a bigot who lets me go my own way than a well-intentioned man who presumes to know what is good for me. 	Wendy Thrash

I found out that when you get married the man becomes the head of the house. And the woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way she wants to.	Yakov Smirnoff

I have seen the future and it doesn't work. 	Robert Fulford

If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on the human face-- forever . . . And remember that it is forever. George Orwell (1903-1950)  - 1984

They say the veil that holds the future from us was woven by an angel of mercy. 	Josephine Hart - from the book "Sin"

We are at the very beginning of time for the human race.  It is not unreasonable that we grapple with problems.  But there are tens of thousands of years in the future.  Our responsibility is to do what we can, learn what we can, improve the solutions, and pass them on.	Richard P. Feynman

A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. 	Doug Linder

As a wise programmer once said, "Floating point numbers are like sandpiles: every time you move one, you lose a little sand and you pick up a little dirt. And after a few computations, things can get pretty dirty. 	Kernighan & Plauger 	The Elements of Programming Style

Fast, fat computers breed slow, lazy programmers. 	Robert Hummel

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots.  So far, the Universe is winning. 	Rich Cook

In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt. 	Blair P. Houghton, regarding C Code indentation

They HATE my father!  They filled his well with manure and made him talk to lawyers!	Jane Fonda in "Cat Ballou"

There is an old Vulcan saying: only Nixon could go to China.	Spock (Leanord Nimoy), Star Trek VI

Badges?  We ain't got no badges.  We don't need no badges. I don't have to show you any stinking badges! "Treasure of the Sierra Madre",  	the movie written and directed by John Huston

Badges, to god-damned hell with badges!  We have no badges. In fact, we don't need badges.  I don't have to show you any stinking badges, you god-damned cabron and ching' tu madre!  Come out there from that shit-hole of yours.  I have to speak to you.	"The Treasure of Sierra Madre" 	the book written by B. Traven (1935), 	(page 161 of the Modern Library edition)

The love we hold back is the only pain that follows us here.  And the memory of that love shouldn't make you unhappy for the rest of your life.	From the movie "Always"

It's got cop tires, cop shocks, cop suspension, a 440 cubic inch power plant with no catalytic converter, so it'll run good on regular gas,is it the new Blues Mobile or what? 	Elwood Blues, _The Blues Brothers_

It wasn't my fault.  An old friend came in from out of town.  My suit didn't come back from the cleaners.  I got a flat tire.  My cab didn't show.  There was an earthquake, a terrible flood, locust!! IT WASN'T MY FAULT!!!	Jake Blues (John Belushi), _The Blues Brothers_

Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, in a few short weeks it will be spring.  The snows of winter will flee away.  The ice will vanish.  And the air will become soft and balmy.  In short, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales,the annual miracle of the years will awaken and come to pass, but you won't be there. 	The rivulet will run its soaring course to the sea.  The timid desert flowers will put forth their tender shoots.  The glorious valleys of this imperial domain will blossom as the rose.  Still, you won't be here to see. 	From every tree top some wild woods songster will carol his mating song.  Butterflies will sport in the sunshine.  The busy bee will hum happy as it pursues its accustomed vocation.  The gentle breeze will tease the  tissels of the wild grasses, and all nature, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, will be glad but you.  You won't be here to enjoy it because I command the sheriff or some other officers of the country to lead you out to some remote  spot, swing you by the neck from a knotting bough of some sturdy oak, and let you hang until you are dead. 	And then, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, I further command that such officer or officers retire quickly from your dangling corpse, that the  vultures may descend from the heavens upon your filthy body until nothing  shall remain but bare, bleached bones of a cold-blodded, copper-colored, blood-thirsty, throat-cutting, chili-eating, sheep-herding, murdering son-of-a-bitch. 	United States Vs. Gonzales (1881) 	United States District Court, New Mexico Sessions. 		Reprinted in Peter W. Lewis and Kenneth D. Peoples,		The Supreme Court and the Criminal Process: Cases and Coments 		(W. B. Saunders Co.: Philadelphia, 1978),  pp. 1036-1037

Man is ready to die for an idea, provided that idea is not quite clear to him. 	Paul Eldridge

No one has ever had an idea in a dress suit. 	Sir Frederick G. Banting

An idea is not responsible for the people who think it. 	Don Marquis (1878-1937)

It's not whether you win or lose, but who gets the blame. 	Blaine Nye - former Dallas Cowboy

I'm in favor of it.	John McKay - Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach	following a loss to Cleveland when asked 	what he thought of his team's execution

Because if it didn't work out I didn't want to blow the whole day. 	Paul Hornung - Green Bay Packers 	when asked why he got married before noon

My best score ever is 103, but I've only been playing for 15 years. Alex Karras - Detroit Lions defensive lineman on his golf game

Welcome to The Lou Holtz Show.  Unfortunately, I'm Lou Holtz. Lou Holtz - Arkansas football coach opening his weekly television program during one particularly tough stretch

I'm glad we're not going to the Gator Bowl. Lou Holtz - Arkansas football coach after being showered with oranges thrown by fans celebrating the Razorbacks' invitation to the Orange Bowl

Pro football gave me a good sense of perspective to enter politics. I'd already been booed, cheered, cut, sold, traded, and hung in effigy. 	Jack Kemp - Former Buffalo Bills quarterback and U.S. House Representative

Anbybody with ability can play in the big leagues today, but to be able to trick people year in and year out the way I did, I think that's a much greater feat.	Bob Uecker

The way to catch a knuckle ball is to wait until  the ball stops rolling and then pick it up. 	Bob Uecker

I've never cut a guy hitting that high before.  But he was making the rest of us look bad with that average.	Earl Weaver - manager Baltimore Orioles after 	cutting outfielder Drungo Hazewood who was	hitting .583 in spring training

You've got to remember - I'm seventy-three. Ty Cobb - in 1960 explaining why he would only hit .300 against modern day pitching

If they were faked, you would see me in more of them. Rod Gilbert - New York Rangers when asked if hockey fights were faked

I went to a fight the other day and a hockey game broke out.	Rodney Dangerfield

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass.  The refill contained the antidote. 	Emo Philips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.   So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' Emo Philips

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said 'If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference'         Emo Philips

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.         Emo Philips

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...  damn anthropologists. 	Emo Philips

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.         Emo Philips

I was at a bar nursing a beer.  My nipple was getting quite soggy.         Emo Philips

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye... and dragged it fifteen feet.         Emo Philips

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand.  I said "Give me a bladder por favor."  The guy said "Is that to go?"  I said "Well what else would I want it for?"         Emo Philips

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky -- but there wasn't any gum under any of them.         Emo Philips

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?"  I said, "I don't know.  You can't see out the other way."         Emo Philips

In our age... men seem more than ever prone to confuse wisdom with knowledge, and knowledge with information, and to try to solve problems of life in terms of engineering.         T.S. Eliot (1888-1965)

An "empowered" organization is one in which individuals have the knowledge, skill, desire, and opportunity to personally succeed in a way that leads to collective organizational success.         Stephen R. Covey - Principle-centered Leadership

The road to excess leads to the palace of wisdom...for we never know what is enough until we know what is more than enough.         William Blake (1757-1827)

Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence.         Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

Information is not knowledge.  Knowledge is not wisdom.  Wisdom is not truth.  Truth is not beauty.   Beauty is not love.  Love is not music.  Music is the _best!_ 	Frank Zappa - Joe's Garage ( -Dec 4, 1993)

If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them. 	Isaac Asimov

It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge. 	Enrico Fermi (1901-1954)

Trying is the internalization of the failure of omnipotence. 	Brian O'Shaugnessy

The world owes all its onward impulses to men ill at ease.  The happy man  confines himself within ancient limits.         Nathaniel Hawthorne (1804-1864)

There's an old saying: He who plays with fire sometimes throws light  on the situation. Perry Mason - Raymond Burr

Clarke's Second Law: The only way to discover the limits of the  possible is to go beyond them into the impossible. 	Arthur C. Clarke, "Technology and the Future"

I could be chasing an untamed ornithoid without cause. 	Lt. Commander Data - Star Trek, TNG

He had that rare weird electricity about him--that extremely wild and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever behaving normally.	Hunter S. Thompson     	"Fear and Loathing '72"

The only aesthetic question that working artists discuss is where to buy decent turpentine.         Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)

The history of art is the history of revivals.         Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

Art history is the nightmare from which art is struggling to awake. 	Robert Fulford

Art is either plagiarism or revolution.         Paul Gauguin (1848-1903)

Artists can color the sky red because they know it's blue.  Those of us  who aren't artists must color things the way they really are or people  might think we're stupid. 	Jules Feiffer

An unwarlike Marine is as unthinkable as an honest burglar.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the  black flag and begin slitting throats.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Demagogue: one who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Conscience:  the inner voice which warns us that someone may be looking.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Two paradoxes are better than one; they may even suggest a solution.        Edward Teller

Time is an illusion.  Lunchtime doubly so.         Douglas Adams

"Welcome to Occupied Mexico"          seen spray painted on underpass in Salinas, California

Conjugation of the verb "firm"      I am firm.  You are stubborn.  He is pig-headed.         Dr. K. J. Stavrinides

"There is no singular historic distinction to this particular rest area site, other than it is part of the stage for greater happenings.  A witness to the tides of history."          an excerpt from an actual rest area site in South Dakota:

If the truth were self-evident, eloquence would be unnecessary.         Cicero, De Oritare

I've been a chief executive for something for 15 years and now that  I have some time to myself, I  realize working is overrated.         Fay Vincent

We have our brush and colors - paint Paradise and in we go.          Nikos Kazantzakis

I hate to hunt down a tired metaphore.         Lord Byron (1788-1824) "Don Juan"

Oh wait, I think I'm going to be able to use the word 'opium' in a sentence. I opium mother is feeling better. No, I guess I'm not, either.         Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) from a book review

Learning is not compulsory. Neither is survival.      W. Edwards Deming

Old age is a shipwreck.         Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970)

The last years of life are the best, if you are a philosopher.         George Santayana (1863-1952)

Children are a great confort in your old age -  and they help you reach it faster, too. 	Lionel Kauffman

Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives. 	Maurice Chevalier

Forty is the old age of youth; fifty is the youth of old age. 	Victor Hugo (1802-1885)

It is fatal to enter any war without the will to win it. 	Douglas MacArthur (1880-1964)

I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one  who has seen its brutality, its futility, its _stupidity_.         Dwight David Eisenhower (1890-1969)

Do not hit at all if it can be avoided, but never hit softly. 	Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919)

You will kill ten of our men and we will kill one of yours,  and in the end it will be you who tire of it. 	Ho Chi Minh

Give me an Army of West Point Graduates, and I'll win a battle.  Give me a handful of Texas Aggies and I'll win a war.         General George Patton (1885-1945) West Point graduate

Alexander wept when he heard from Anaxarchus that there was an infinite number of worlds...he said: `Do you not think it lamentable that with such a vast multitude of worlds, we have not yet conquerrd one?' 	Plutarch c. AD 46 - 120 	On the Tranquility of the Mind

Start slow and taper off.         Walt Stack

Avoid running at all times.         Satchel Paige (1906?-1982)

Give me a lever and a place to stand and I will give you back the lever. 	Marc Drexler - at a very crowded party

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.         Jules Renard (1864-1910)

It takes a lot of time being a genius.   You have to sit around so much doing nothing. 	Gertrude Stein (1874-1946)

Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass on a summer day listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is hardly a waste of time. 	Sir J. Lubbock

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more. 	Woody Allen

If comfort were the goal of evolution,  the process would have stopped with the clam. 	Unknown

If you know that fundamentally there is nothing to seek,  you have settled your affairs. 	Rinzai

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result. 	Anonymous

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not;  a sense of humor to console him for what he is.         Francis Bacon (1561-1626)

The Right Honorable gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests, and to his imagination for his facts. 	Richard Sheridan (1751-1816)

Tragedy is when I cut my finger.  Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. 	Mel Brooks

Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. 	John Kenneth Galbraith

We participate in a tragedy; at a comedy we only look. 	Aldous Huxley (1894-1963) - The Devils of Loudun

Mathematicians are the people you don't want to meet at cocktail parties. 	John D. Barrow

In order to solve this differential equation you look at it until a  solution occurs to you. 	George Polya

It is unnecessary to understand electromagnetic theory before wiring a lamp  or to study physics in order to repair a pump.  We count on our fingers and  give no heed to the proliferating implications of the act. 	James R. Newman

Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our  equations.  But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are  only a matter of present concern.  A mathematical equation stands forever.         Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

Mathematical concepts and facts gain in vividness and clarity if they are  well connected with the world around us and with general ideas, and if we  obtain them by our own work through successive stages instead of in one lump. 	George Polya

A tree's a tree. How many more do you need to look at? 	Ronald Reagan - Governor of California            Sacramento Bee, 3/12/66

...115,000 acres of trees in the state park system is a lot to look at.  How long can you look? 	Ronald Reagan - Governor of California            Sacramento Bee, 4/28/66

I'm a fellow who bleeds every time a tree is cut down. 	Ronald Reagan - Governor of California            Fresno Bee, 4/28/66

I don't believe a tree is a tree and if you've seen one you've seen them all. 	Ronald Reagan - Governor of California            Sacramento Bee, 9/14/66

I just didn't say it. 	Ronald Reagan - Governor of California            Associated Press, 10/5/66

War is nothing but the continuation of politics with a mixture of other means. 	Karl von Clausewitz - Vom Kriege (On War)

Soldiers are the tradesmen of killing,  but officers are the managers of violence.   	Harold Lasswell

If we had less statemanship we could get along with fewer battleships.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

He who uses force unsparingly, without reference against the bloodshed involved, must obtain a superiority if his adversary uses less vigour in its application.... To introduce into a philosophy of war a principle of moderation would be an absurdity. War is an act of violence pushed to its utmost bounds.   	Karl von Clausewitz, 1819

"Streaking. Mooning. Ballwalking. Leg Shaving. Belly/Navel Shots. Chicken  Fights. Butt Biting."   Chapter headings from the Pentagon's Tailhook report

I pledge a lesson to the frog of the United States of America.  And to the wee puppet for witch's hands.  One Asian, under God, in the vestibule,  with little tea and just rice for all. 	Bette Bao Lord, age 8.  [Newsweek, 7/6.]

To be or not to be is true.         apocrypha of George Boole

Logic, like whiskey, loses its beneficial effect when taken in too large quantities.         Lord Dunsany "My Ireland" 1938

It is one Thing, to show a Man that he is in an Error, and another, to put him in possession of Truth. John Locke "An Essay Concerning Humane Understanding" 1690

Pure logic is the ruin of the spirit. 	Saint Exupery

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it. 	Rabindranath Tagore

Lucas cannot consistently assert this sentence. 	C. H. Whitely

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three. 	Alice Kahn

Television has raised writing to a new low.         Samuel Goldwyn (1882-1974)

The problem is not that television presents us with entertaining subject matter, but that all subject matter is presented as entertaining. 	Neil Postman

It used to be that people needed products to survive.  Now products need people to survive. 	Nicholas Johnson

[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. 	Joseph Campbell

What scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying. 	Nikita Krushchev

Ever since our love for machines resplaced the love we used to have for our fellow man, catastrophes proceed to increase. 	Man Ray

The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like machines.  	Sydney G. Harris

The danger of the past was that men became slaves.  The danger of
the future is man may become robots.
	Erich Fromm

Real happiness, in politics, is a wide-open hammer shot on some  poor bastard who knows he's been trapped, but can't flee.         Hunter S. Thompson

A recent poll tells why the people of New Hampshire are supporting George Bush.  Forty percent like my foreign policy.  Forty percent support my economic policy.  And 20 percent believe I make a good premium beer.	George Bush campaigning in NH in 1988

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.         Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job. 	Erma Bombeck

Wherever you have an efficient government you have a dictatorship. 	Harry S Truman, Apr 28, 1959

EMAIL - when it absolutely positively has to get lost at the speed of light. 	Unknown

While modern technology has given people powerful new communication tools, it apparently can do nothing to alter the fact that many people have nothing useful to say. 	Lee Gomes, San Jose Mercury News

Forget computers; it's hard enough getting humans to pass the Turing test. 	David Bedno

The danger from computers is not that they will eventually get as smart as men, but that we will meanwhile agree to meet them halfway. 	Bernard Avishai

Once a new technology rolls over you, if you're not part of the steamroller, you're part of the road. 	Stewart Brand

This compact disc is made from analog masters recorded without noise reduction. Half the tracks, in fact, were recorded in a dismal, cheap basement eight-track studio with puddles of water on the floor. Digital technology will now faithfully reproduce these noisy,  low-fi, un-professional masters at great expense. 	Disclaimer on a CD

Ending a sentence with a preposition is  something up with which we will not put.         Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

We are bound by a language that makes up in  obscurity what it lacks in style. 	Tom Stoppard

Obscurity _is_ its style. 	Warren Pyecraft

It's only words . . . unless they're true. 	David Mamet

Eros and language mesh at every point. Intercourse and discourse, copula  and copulation, are sub-classes of the dominant fact of communication. 	George Steiner

I have looked into the Abyss, and the Abyss has lookd into me.  Neither liked what we saw. 	Brother Theodore

The tendency to believe that things never change, the inertia of daily  existence, is a staple of living.  It has always been a delusion. 	Donald A. Wollheim

I am ready to meet my Maker.  Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.         Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

I know of no safe repository of the ultimate power of society but the people.  And if we think them not enlightened enough, the remedy is  not to take power from them, but to inform them by education.         Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) in 1820

There is no knowledge that is not power.         Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existance. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.         John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.         Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

One grows tired of jelly babies, Castellan.  One grows tired of almost everything, Castellan, except power. 	The Doctor - The Invasion of Time

The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking...the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind.  If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker.        Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

Guns will make us powerful; butter will only make us fat. 	Hermann Goering (1893-1946)

I have a friend who told me that the greatest computer system ever built by mankind was by the Druids at Stonehenge.  Well, that's an old story.  But what I like was that he felt that the Druids didn't die out, they just went bankrupt trying to debug the software.	James Finkle

There is nothing that can be said by mathematical symbols and relations which cannot also be said by words.  The converse, however, is false.  Much that can be and is said by words cannot successfully be put into equations, because it is nonsense. 	C. Truesdell, _Six Lectures on Modern Natural Philosophy_ 		      (Springer-Verlag, 1966)

Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.         Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. 	Andre Gide

I have the terrible feeling that, because I have a white beard and am  sitting in the back of the theater, you expect me to tell you the truth  about something.  These are the cheap seats, not Mount Sinai. 	Orson Welles, "Someone to Love."

When whole races and peoples conspire to propagate gigantic mute  lies in the interest of tyrannies and shams, why should we care anything about the trifling lies told by individuals.        Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Truth lies within a little and certain compass, but error is immense. 	Viscout Bolingbroke

Nun-beating? Good Lord, man, I can't condone THAT! 	Opus

Grown men do not need leaders.  	Edward Abbey

Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise  enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others.  	Edward Abbey

Great men can't be ruled. 	Ayn Rand, _The_Fountainhead_

As the happiness of the people is the sole end of government,  so the consent of the people is the only foundation of it. 	John Adams (1735-1826)

In any free society, the conflict between social conformity and individual liberty is permanent, unresolvable, and necessary. 	Kathleen Norris

You simply *must* stop taking advice from other people.         Melissa Timberman

Ambition has but one reward for all:  A little power, a little transient fame,  A grave to rest in, and a fading name. 	William Winter

Ask youself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be waiting for us in our graves--or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth.	Ayn Rand

Making fun of born-again christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.         P. J. O'Rourke

It's possible to fight intolerance, stupidity, and fanaticism when they  come separately.  When you get all three together it's probably wiser to  get out, if only to preserve one's sanity.  	Adam Dalgliesh

In the early years of the sixteenth century, to combat the rising tide of religious unorthodoxy, the Pope gave Cardinal Ximinez of Spain leave to move without let or hinderance throughout the land, in areign of violence, terror and torture that makes a smashing film.	from Monty Python's ``Spanish Inquisition,'' (episode 15)

What is it the Bible teaches us? - rapine, cruelty, and murder.  What is it the New Testament teaches us? - to believe that the Almighty committed debauchery with a woman engaged to be married,  and the belief of this debauchery is called faith.  	Thomas Paine (1737-1809)

If God didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent him.         Voltaire (1694-1778)

Must then Christ perish in torment in every age to save those that have no imagination?         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. 	Anatole France (1844-1924)

Let us start a new religion with one commandment, "Enjoy thyself." 	Israel Zanguill (1864-1929)

I once asked a Christmas Eve group of children if they believed in Santa  Claus.  The very smallest ones answered without hesitation, "Why, of  course!"  The older ones shook their heads.  The little girls smiled but said nothing.  One future scientist asserted boldly "I know who it is"; and a little make-strong with his eye on gain said: "I believe in it all; I can believe in anything."  That boy, I realized, would one day be a bishop.        Stephen Leacock (1869-1944)

The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders.         P. J. O'Rourke

A mathematician is a machine for turning coffee into theorems. 	Paul Erds

[The theory] seems a very dramatically appealing and simple explanation to me, which therefore should be regarded with deep suspicion. 	Roger M. Squires

The purpose of the present course is the deepening and development of difficulties underlying contemporary theory. . .	A. A. Blasov

It's an act of faith to be a writer in a postliterate world.         Rita Mae Brown

Writers will happen in the best of families.         Rita Mae Brown

I wanted my novel to be so witty that even  Republicans would be forced to enjoy it.         Rita Mae Brown

Virginia Woolf said that writers must be androgynous.   I'll go a step further.  You must be bisexual.         Rita Mae Brown

You can't be truly rude until you understand good manners.         Rita Mae Brown

Moral passion without entertainment is propaganda,  and entertainment without moral passion is television.         Rita Mae Brown

The last thing I have to say is that ice is the past tense of water.   I've always wanted to write that sentence and now I have.        Rita Mae Brown

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.  Think of your three best friends.  If they're okay, then it's you.         Rita Mae Brown

Good judgment comes from experience, and often  experience comes from bad judgment.        Rita Mae Brown

I am one.  Let me become many.         Rita Mae Brown - "Writer's Prayer"

It seems Mr. Watson has answered his own question.         Seymour Cray

If introductory physics were taught the way that introductory computer  science seems to be taught, students would not see equational statements of Newton's Laws until their first semester of graduate school.	Jerry Kuch

Comedy is tragedy plus time. 	Carol Burnett

The distrust of wit is the beginning of tyranny. 	Edward Abbey

We must laugh before we are happy, for fear we die before we laugh at all. 	Jean de La Bruyere (1645-1696)

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh. 	Wystan Hugh Auden (1907-1973)

When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him. 	Thomas Szasz,  [1973], p.58

Laughter is the closest distance between two people. 	Victor Borge

If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it. 	Herodotus (484-425 B.C.)

The muse of humor has once again looked down upon me, and found me worthy to carry out the deeds of her noble cause. 	Michael S. Rosenberg

What do they call a comedian who doesn't get any laughs?   A philosopher.  	Phil Proctor

You fall out of your mother's womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave. 	Quentin Crisp

If the end does not justify the means - what can?	Edward Abbey

Television is to news as bumperstickers are to philosophy.	Richard M. Nixon (1913-1994)

Organizing is an expression of self on many levels.	"Skratch" Garrison (aka. Ben Daniels)

It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him.         J.R.R. TOLKIEN

I find it extraordinary, Mr. Richards, that a man of  your stature only has one pair of pants. 	Judge speaking to Keith Richards in 1977

Overfunded research is like cocaine.  It corrupts the soul, weakens the spirit and leads to prostitution. 	Unknown

A beaver does not, as legend would have it, know which direction the tree will fall when he cuts it, but counts on alacrity to make up for lack of engineering expertise.	Anne Zwinger -  Beyond the Aspen Grove, 1970

As one psychologist remarked, Humans are a dark cellar in which a maiden aunt and a sex-crazed monkey are locked in mortal combat, the affair being refereed by a rather nervous bank clerk.  	A book (forgotten author & title) concerning the Jonestown colony.

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.         Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

Civilization exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice.         Will Durant (1885-1981)

Somewhere there is a great deal of squealing and grinding. The Great Wheel of humanity has just lost a bearing 	Christopher Knopf 	speaking at Gene Roddenberry's memorial service

Several errant electrons jumped when they shouldn't have at a place they shouldn't have, resulting in what shouldn't have.  In short, a short. 	Berke Breathed 	Bloom County

The birth of an idea is that happy moment when everything appears possible and reality has not yet entered into the problem.	Rudolph Diesel - Written shortly after one of his early  engine models had blown up and nearly killed him.

Football combines two of the worst things about American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.         George Will

I've never met a human being who would want to read 17,000 pages of docu- mentation, and if there was, I'd kill him to get him out of the gene pool.         Joseph Costello, President of Cadence

There are three rules for writing a novel.  Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.        W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965)

If they give you ruled paper, write the other way. 	e. e. cummings (1894-1962)

Librarians are like crack dealers when it comes to hooking small children.                 Spider Robinson

A poet who reads his own verse in public may have other nasty habits.                 Robert Heinlein

It is regrettable for the education of the young that war stories are always told by those who survived. 	Louis Scutenaire

Power belongs to the titled few.  Anyone can be strong. 	James P. Carse "Finite and Infinite Games"

Strategic thinking is the art of outdoing an adversary always  remembering that he is trying to do the same to you.	Dixit & Nalebuff (Strategic Thinking)

[John] Dalton's records, carefully preserved for a century, were destroyed  during the World War II bombing of Manchester.  It is not only the living  who are killed in war. 	Isaac Asimov

When you can measure what you are speaking  about, and express it in numbers, you know something about it, but when you cannot measure it, when you cannot express it in  numbers, your knowledge is of a meagre and unsatisfactory kind.   	William Thomson, Lord Kelvin

A chicken is one egg's way of making another egg.        Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

I don't know which is more discouraging, literature or chickens. 	E.B. White (1899-1985)

Look, we're travelling faster than the speed of light.  That means, by the  time we see something, we've already passed through it.  Even with an IQ of  6000, it's still brown trousers time." 	Holly, Red Dwarf

What the deuce is the Solar System to me?  You say that we go round the sun. If we went round the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or to my work. 	Sherlock Holmes, in Doyle's , p.21

I'm not comparing myself to Newton or Aristotle.  They didn't have a synthesizer. Chip Davis (Mannheim Steamroller),

Perhaps the immobility of the things that surround us is forced upon them by our conviction that they are themselves, and not anything else, and by the immobility of our conceptions of them.        Marcel Proust (1871-1922)

A murder is nothing more than an extroverted suicide. 	Monty Python

The essence of suicide is despair. 	from the movie: Ninth Configuration -Vincent

The essence of suicide is ya don't collect the insurance. 	from the movie: Ninth Configuration -Cutshaw

The Bible doesn't forbid suicide.  It's a Catholic directive, intended to slow down their loss of martyrs. 	Ellen Blackstone

Suicide:  Don't knock it if you ain't tried it. 	Edward Abbey

The ready availability of suicide, like sex and alcohol, is one of life's basic consolations. 	Edward Abbey

There are circumstances in which suicide presents a viable option; a workable alternative; the only sensible solution. 	Edward Abbey

Suicide was against the law. Johnny had wondered why. It meant that if you missed, or the gas ran out, or the rope broke, you could get locked up in prison to show you that life was really very jolly and thoroughly worth living.	Terry Pratchett, Johnny and the dead

Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives. 	Unknown

If you want to commit suicide you can use my razor; it's electric, but you can hang yourself with the cord. 	Unknown

The passion for science and the passion for music are driven by the same desire;to realize beauty in one's vision of the world.                 Heinz Pagels

I had always loved beautiful and artistic things, though before  leaving America I had had a very little chance of seeing any. 	Emma Albani

Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof. 	Ashley Montague

Inspect every piece of pseudoscience and you will find a security blanket, a thumb to suck, a skirt to hold.  What have we to offer in exchange? Uncertainty!  Insecurity!         Isaac Asimov

Science does not promise absolute truth, nor does it consider that such a thing necessarily exists.  Science does not even promise that everything in the Universe is amenable to the scientific process.         Isaac Asimov

In science, "fact" can only mean "confirmed to such a degree that it would be perverse to withhold provisional assent."  I suppose that apples might start to  rise tomorrow, but the possibility does not merit equal time in physics classrooms.         Stephen Jay Gould

There is no absolute knowledge.  And those who claim it, whether they are  scientists or dogmatists, open the door to tragedy.  All information is  imperfect.  We have to treat it with humility.  That is the human conditions;  and that is what quantum physics says.  I mean that literally.	Jacob Bronowski

Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts. 	Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton

In the world of human thought generally, and in physical science particularly,  the most important and fruitful concepts are those to which it is impossible  to attach a well-defined meaning. 	H.A. Kramers

Science itself, therefore, may be regarded as a minimal  problem, consisting of the completest possible presentment of facts with the least possible expenditure of thought. 	Ernst Mach

The outcome of any serious research can only be to make two questions grow where only one grew before." 	Thorstein Bunde Veblen-(1919) (1857-1929)

Science must begin with myths, and with the criticism of myths. 	Karl Popper (1957)

Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men. 	Martin Luther King Jr. (1965)

Science has 'explained' nothing; the more we know the more fantastic the world becomes and the profounder the surrounding darkness. 	Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

Science may be described as the art of systematic over-simplification. 	Karl Popper (1982)

If the lord had meant us to have faith, he'd have given us lobotomies. 	Zlatko

Seek simplicity, and distrust it.         Alfred North Whitehead (1861-1947)

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking  we used when we created them.         Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

Anyone who has begun to think places some portion of the world in jeopardy. 	John Dewey

Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet.         Ralph Waldo Emerson

My definition of an expert in any field is a person who knows enough about what's really going on to be scared. 	P.J. Plauger, Computer Language, Programming on Purpose, p.29, March 1983

At an early age I decided that living a life of pious misery in the hope of going to heaven when it's over is a lot like keeping your eyes shut all through a movie in the hope of getting your money back at the end. 	A. Whitney Brown, "The Big Picture"

Thinking the world should entertain you leads to boredom and sloth.   Thinking you should entertain the world leads to bright clothes,  odd graffiti and amazing grace in running for the bus.    Ann Herbert

Happiness lies in conquering one's enemies, in driving them in front of  oneself, in taking their property, in savoring their despair, in outraging  their wives and daughters. 	Genghis Khan (1162?-1227)

If the present Congress errs in too much talking, how can it be otherwise, in a  body to which the people send one hundred and fifty lawyers, whose trade it is  to question everything, yield nothing, and talk by the hour?  That one hundred  and fifty lawyers should do business together, ought not to be expected.         Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) "Autobiography" (1821)

Who does not know that... tight-lacing around the waist keeps the blood from  returning freely to the heart, and retains it in the bowels and neighboring  organs, and thereby inflames all the organs of the abdomen, which thereby  excites amative desires?" 	Orson Fowler from an 1846 text on corsets

The perfect civil servant is the man who has a  valid objection to any possible solution. 	A.H. Heats, 16 May 1965, quoted in Pepper's  	 [1987], p.58/15

Just because information has been published doesn't  mean it shouldn't be classified.         NSA director Lincoln D. Faurer

The direct use of force is so poor a solution to the problems of limited  resources that it is commonly employed only by small children and great nations. 	David Friedman

The best weapon of a dictatorship is secrecy, but the best weapon of a democracy should be the weapon of openness. 	Niels Bohr (1885-1962)

Communism possesses a language which every people can understand - its elements are hunger, envy, and death.          Heinrich Heine (1797-1856)

It is more noble to give yourself completely to one person than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses.         Dag Hammarskjold (1905-1961)

The thought of suicide is a great source of comfort; with it a calm passage is to be made across many a bad night.         Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

Have you ever talked to a corpse?  It's *boring*!         from An American Werewolf in London

If enough people told enough people to put their heads under trucks, I'm sure they would do so.  I wonder why no-one has thought of doing that?         Noel Coward (1899-1973)

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent. 	Elanor Roosevelt (1884-1962)

Let us treat men and women well; treat them as if they were real. Perhaps they are.         Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.         Marcel Proust (1871-1922)

Never lose your sense of the superficial.              	Lord Northcliffe

I wanted only to try to live in accord with the promptings which came from my true self.  Why was that so very difficult? 	Hermann Hesse (1877-1962)

I live in my own place have never copied nobody even half, and at any master who lacks the grace to laugh at himself -- I laugh. 	inscribed over the door to Friedrich Nietzsche's house

No human thing is of serious importance. 	Plato (427?-348? BC)

The last Christian died on the cross.         Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

The major contribution of Protestant thought to the knowledge of mankind is its massive proof that God is a bore.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point.         Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

Faith:  not *wanting* to know what is true.         Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

In heaven all the interesting people are missing.         Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. 	Anatole France (1844-1924)

I could prove God statistically. 	George Gallup

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. 	Fletcher Knebel

Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating, very few survive. 	Wallace Irwin (1875-1959)

Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from non-practitioners. 	G. O. Ashley

Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of.  It's nothing to be particularly proud of, either. 	from "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in 	LIFE IN HELL by Matt Groening

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned.  Do not have sex with the authorities. 	from "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in  	LIFE IN HELL by Matt Groening

I'm going to Iowa for an award.  Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out.  Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.         Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. 	Joseph Fischer

Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.      Calvin, "Calvin and Hobbes" by Bill Watterson

In some of the poorer areas of the world it is sadly true that sex is the only luxury available to the ordinary man.  Whether the  ordinary woman also considers it a luxury is open to question.	Hugh L. Keenleyside

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive  and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing  rabbits singing about toilet paper. 	Rod Serling

There ain't no rules around here, we're trying to accomplish something. 	Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)

It is not enough to have knowledge, one must also apply it.  It is not enough to have wishes, one must also accomplish. 	Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe (1749-1832)

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. 	Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)

All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.         Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't. 	Carrie Fisher

All technology should be assumed guilty until proven innocent. 	David Brower

50% of everything is below average.  	Yogi Berra

Peace is the name of the ideal we deduce from the fact that there have been interludes between wars. 	John Christian Falkenberg

One who contends with immortals lives a very short life. 	Homer, Book V of the Iliad

Always keep your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark. 	Robert Heinlein

We would like to have Jerry Fallwell, Lyndon LaRouche, and Pat Robertson chained to a radiator while Harlan Ellison reads them the U.S.Constitution. 	Frank Miller and Lynn Varley's Christmas wish 	from The Comic Buyer's Guide

Santy Claus, why?  Why are you taking our Christmas tree? Why? 	Cindy Lou Who

Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special!  How touching to have the meaning  of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer conglomerates.  Who'd  have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and  spirituality would mix so harmoniously? It's a beautiful world all right. 	Calvin's Dad

Wretches hang that jurymen may dine.        Alexander Pope (1688-1744)

Don't talk to me about Naval tradition. It's nothing but  rum, sodomy, and the lash.         Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

The scab is a traitor to his God, his mother, and his class. 	Jack London (1876-1916)

Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid.         Heinrich Heine (1797-1856)

If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon.         Johannes Brahms (1833-1897)

I become a whiny bitch.  I want to know where he is and what he's doing all the time and why isn't he with me.  You do more for that person than you would for anyone else.  Falling in love is nice, but after you've fallen in love it's not so nice because most guys are scum and they always ruin it. 	Aleta Blakely (18), in response to question "What's a Telltale Sign You're Falling in Love?" (SF Chronicle)

It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.        W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965)

Life was meant to be lived and curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life. 	Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962)

How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something but to be someone. 	Coco Chanel

Whatever you can do, Or dream you can do, Begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now. 	Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe (1749-1832)

Self is the only prison that can ever bind the soul. 	Henry Van Dyke

When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap.	Cynthia Heimel

Those who believe without reason cannot be convinced by reason.         James Randi

We are usually convinced more easily by reasons we have found ourselves than by those which have occurred to others. 	Blaise Pascal (1623-1662)

He who will not reason, is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; and he who dares not, is a slave. 	William Drummond

Never try to reason the prejudice out of a man.  It was not reasoned into him, and cannot be reasoned out.         Sydney Smith (1771-1845)

When a man has not a good reason for doing a thing, he has one good reason for letting it alone. 	Sir Walter Scott (1771-1832)

Just because I'm famous doesn't mean I have to take any crap. 	Charles Barkley

You can's achieve anything without getting in someone's way. 	Abba Eban

I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference. 	Jack Kerouac

Q: What's the difference between ignorance and indifference? A: I don't know and I don't care.

One good thing about apathy, is you don't have to exert yourself to show you are sincere about it. 	Unknown

Words can never adequately convey the incredible impact of our attitude  toward life.  The longer I live the more convinced I become that life  is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we respond to it.

Scientists study the world as it is, engineers create the world that never has been.        Theodore Von Karman

A scientist can discover a new star, but he cannot make one. He would have to ask an engineer to do it for him.         Gordon L. Glegg

An engineer is an unordinary person who can do for one dollar what any ordinary person can do for two dollars.         Anonymous

Thousands of engineers can design bridges.....,but the great  engineer is the man who can tell whether the bridge.....should be built at all.         Eugene C. Grace

All we know about the new economic world tells us that nations which train engineers will privail over those which train lawyers. No nation has ever sued its way to greatness.         Richard Lamm

Adding engineers to a late project makes it later. Brooke's First Law

There is not any memory with less satisfaction than the memory of some temptation resisted.  	James Branch Cabell

The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come again.         Anonymous

I can resist anything, except temptation.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. 	Mae West (1893-1980)

The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. 	Old Farmer's Almanac

Yield to temptation - it may not pass your way again. 	Robert Heinlein

Never resist temptation: prove all things: hold fast that which is good.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Marriage is the most licentious of human institutions. It combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 	Man & Superman (c 1905).

Saintleness is also a temptation. 	Jean Anouilh (b. 1910)

Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never - in nothing great or small, large  or petty - never give in  except to convictions of honour and good sense.         Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

Things forbidden have a secret charm. 	Tacitus (55-118 AD)

Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction. 	Blaise Pascal (1623-1662)

Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies         Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

Nature is what she is, amoral and persistent.         Stephen Jay Gould

If God can create a stone too heavy for Him to lift, there is something He cannot do; and if He cannot create a stone too heavy for him to lift, there is something He cannot create.  If there's something God cannot do He is not omnipotent, and if there's something He cannot create He is not omnipotent.  Therefore God is not omnipotent. 	Elementary Symbolic Logic, 2nd Ed. Gustason & Ulrich

Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between Man and his G-d, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should 'make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,' thus build-ing a wall of separation between church and state.        Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to invent.        Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

I quote others only to better express myself.         Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1553-1592)

Quotations when engraved upon the memory give you good thoughts.         Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

I often quote myself.  It adds spice to my conversation.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Wise men make proverbs but fools repeat them. 	Samuel Palmer (c. 1710)

Nothing is said that has not been said before. 	Terence (185 - 159 BC)

Quotations are a columnist's bullpen.  Stealing someone else's words frequently spares the embarrassment of eating your own. 	Peter Anderson

Walt Disney - a typical sun-belt neo-fascist. 	Orson Welles

In Cyberspace, the 1st Amendment is a local ordinance. 	John Perry Barlow

Children are like TV sets.  When they start acting weird, whack them across the eyes with a big rubber basketball shoe. 	Hunter S. Thompson, "Generation of Swine"

Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem.         John Galsworthy

People shouldn't think that it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  It's not, it's better to have loved and won. All the other options really suck. 	Dan Redican

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. 	Salvador Dali

The Hitch Hiker's Guide has not been an opera. It has however been a tapestry, if you count a woven bath towel as a tapestry. 	Douglas Adams

"Could you really persuade," he said, "if we don't listen?" 	Plato, Republic, 327c

What is a weed?  A plant whose virtues have not been discovered.         Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

He said, in feeble alarm, "You're trying to kill me!" She said, "No, my dear. I simply don't want you to die a virgin." 	Joanna Russ - Souls

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.  We don't belive this to be a coincidence. 	Jeremy S. Andersen

"The William Tell Misfire Consolation Trophy:  to Israeli tourism officials for placing an ad (since withdrawn) stating that Jerusalem is `only a stone's throw' from Tel Aviv." 	People's Daily World's 2nd Annual Awards

The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do.         B.F. Skinner

Every calculation based on experience elsewere fails in New Mexico.         Lew Wallace, Governor of Teritorial New Mexico 1878-1881

My work has been directed towards scientific research. I have never engaged in what is termed 'production'.         Louis Lumiere

Giving a man space is like giving a dog a computer: The chances are he will not use it wisely.         Bette-Jane Raphael

To every man is given the key to the gate of heaven; the same key opens the gates of hell. 	Richard P. Feynman

Ken doesn't spell very well.  Fortunately, he has other virtues. 	Dennis Ritchie

[It] was the kind of place where they spell trouble TRUBIL,  and if you try to correct them, they kill you. 	Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid

Poor spelling does not prove poor knowledge, but is fatal to the argument by intimidation. 	Gene Ward Smith

Let us knot coin gnu werds huitch are spelld rong. 	Rik Fischer Smoody

But I want credit for all the words I spelled *right*! 	Beetle Bailey

Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell. 	Unknown

Nothing you can't spell will ever work.         Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Ambition is a dream with a V8 engine.         Elvis Presley (1935-1977)

All men of action are dreamers. 	James G. Huneker

To accomplish great things, we must not only act but also dream; not only plan, but also believe. 	Anatole France (1844-1924)

In order to invent the airplane you must have at least a thousand years' experience dreaming of angels. 	Arnold Rockman

Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which  escape those who dream only by night 	Edgar Allen Poe (1809-1849) 	Eleonora

Things need not have happened to be true.  Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes, and forgot. 	Neil Gaiman - The Sandman #19: A Midsummer Night's Dream

What would many happy citizens and trustworthy officials have become but unruly, stormy innnovators and dreamers of useless dreams, if not for the efforts of their schools? 	Hermann Hesse (1877-1962) 	"Beneath the Wheel"

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words  left unsaid and deeds left undone. 	Harriet Beecher Stowe (1811-1896)

When words leave off, music begins.         Heinrich Heine (1797-1856)

Communication is something so simple and difficult  that we can never put it in simple words. 	T.S. Matthews

The best way to keep one's word is not to give it.         Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

Words are the litmus paper of the minds. If you find yourself in the power of someone who will use the word "commence" in cold blood, go somewhere else very quickly. But if they say "Enter", don't stop to pack. 	Terry Pratchett, Small Gods

Slave is an Ephebian word. In Om we have no word for slave," said Vorbis. So I understand," said the Tyrant. "I imagine that fish have no word for water. 	Terry Pratchett, Small Gods

If you travel to the States . . . they have a lot of different  words than like what we use.  For instance: they say "elevator",  we say "lift"; they say "drapes", we say "curtains"; they say  "president", we say "seriously deranged git". 	Alexei Sayle

At the bidding of a Peter the Hermit millions of men hurled themselves  against the East; the words of an hallucinated enthusiast such as Mahomet  created a force capable of triumphing over the Graeco-Roman world; an  obscure monk like Luther bathed Europe in blood.  The voice of a Galileo  or a Newton will never have the least echo among the masses.  The  inventors of genius hasten the march of civilization.  The fanatics and  the hallucinated create history. 	Gustave Le Bon

Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)  "The Devil's Dictionary"

Some people think football is a matter of life and death...But
they are wrong...It's far more important than that...
	Shankley

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping. 	unknown

Rugby is a beastly game played by gentlemen; soccer is a gentleman's game played by beasts; football is a beastly game played by beasts.         Henry Blaha

I suppose that rusty nail for my coat still is there. 	Atlanta Falcons coach Jerry Glanville   	on Cleveland Stadium locker rooms ('92)

I want to find out who I am and give up letting everyone else define me. 	Judith

I am as frustrated with society as a pyromaniac in a petrified forest. 	A. Whitney Brown

The trouble with our age is it's all signposts and no destination. 	Loius Kronenberger

Do you know that disease and death must needs overtake us, no matter what we are doing?  What do you wish to be doing when it overtakes you? If you have anything better to be doing when you are so overtaken, get to work on that. 	Epicetus

If I had in my service a submissive jinni... I would dismiss him until he  learned that the enjoyment consists not in what  I enjoy but in getting my own way. 	Soren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 	from Diapsalmata

The most beautiful time is in the first period of  falling in love, when from  every encounter, every glance, one fetches home something new to rejoice over. 	Soren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 	from Diapsalmata

The most inflexible rule in chess is the exception. 	Alekhine - translated from: 	"Die unerbittlichsten Regeln im Schach sind - die Ausnahmen."

There is only one mistake in chess: overestimating your oponent. Everything else is just bad luck or weakness. 	Alekhine - translated from:

I feel as a chessman must feel when the opponent says of it: That piece cannot be moved. 	Soren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 	from Diapsalmata

White to move and win in 24... 	Cartoon caption in a magazine - accompaning picture 	shows a chess board with none of the pieces moved

One cannot play chess if one becomes aware of the pieces as living souls and  of the fact that the Whites and the Blacks have more in common with each other  than with the players.  Suddenly one loses all interest in who will be champion.                 Anatol Rapoport

The chess-board is the world; the pieces are the phenomena of the universe;  the rules of the games are what we call the laws of Nature.  The player on the  other side is hidden from us.  We know that his play is always fair, just, and patient.  But also we know, to our cost, that he never overlooks a mistake, or makes the smallest allowance for ignorance.        Thomas Henry Huxley (1825-1895)

In fact, no gods anywhere play chess. They prefer simple, vicious games, where you Do Not Achieve Transcendence but Go Straight to Oblivion; a key to the understanding of all religion is that a god's idea of amusement is Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs. 	Terry Pratchett - Wyrd Sister)

On nights such as these the gods, as has already been pointed out, play games other than chess with the fates of mortals and the thrones of kings. It is important to remember that they always cheat, right up to the end... 	Terry Pratchett - Wyrd Sisters

Parity is for farmers. 	Seymour Cray

The hardware was the easy part. 	Seymour Cray

Memory is like an orgasm.  It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it. 	Seymour Cray commenting on virtual memory

The average pointer points somewhere in X. 	Henry Spencer

The main difference between a computer salesman and a used car salesman is that the used car salesman can probably drive and knows when he's lying. 	Peter da Silva

Most of the VAX instructions are in microcode, but halt and no-op are in hardware for efficiency. 	Unknown

One of the main advantages of Unix over, say, MVS, is the tremendous number of features Unix lacks. 	Chris Torek

The steady state of disks is full. 	Ken Thompson

If an undetectable error occurs, the processor continues as if no error had occurred. 	IBM S/360 Principles of Operation

I think there is a world market for about five computers. Thomas J. Watson, CEO, IBM Corporation, 1947

Artificial intelligences makes mistakes too, only faster. 	Larry Wall [in comp.lang.perl]

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

I prefer the wicked rather than the foolish.  The wicked sometimes rest.         Alexandre Dumas pere (1802-1870)

Every major horror of history was committed in the name of an altruistic motive.         Ayn Rand

We live in a Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankenstein logic. 	David Russell

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.         Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862) - Walden

You fall out of your mother's womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave.         Quentin Crisp

So long as governments set the example of killing their enemies, private in dividuals will occasionally kill theirs.         Elbert Hubbard

Serious men are inevitably shallow, just as virtuous women are always dull. One must be a bit of a scoundrel to know the depths of oneself." 	Sigismundo Celine, Nature's God

Canadian consumers race across the border to buy the kind of cheap goods that a country with low wages and a third-rate social security system can produce.   So empty are their lives, apparently, that a three-hour lineup of cars at the  border coming back is viewed as an acceptable trade-off.	Charles Gordon

I am part of all I have read.  	John Kieran

Show me the books he loves and I shall know the man far better than through mortal friends. 	S. Weir Mitchell

The things I want to know are in books; my best friend is the man who'll get me a book I ain't read.         Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

When I get a little money, I buy books;  and if any is left, I buy food and clothes.  	Desiderius Erasmus (1466? - 1536)

The multitude of books is makiing us ignorant.         Voltaire (1694-1778)

Learning hath gained most by those books by which the printers have lost. 	Thomas Fuller

>From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.         Groucho Marx (1890-1977) - The Book of Insults

The road to ignorance is paved with good books.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Books arn't written to be believed in, but to be questioned. 	Umberto Eco

This will never be a civilized country until we spend more money on books than on chewing gum. 	Elbert Hubbard

Every time a new book comes out, read an old one.         Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

The worst thing about new books is that  they prevent us from reading the old ones. 	Joseph Joubert

Writing books makes horse racing look like a solid and safe business. 	John Steinbeck (1902-1968)

Writing books is easy, you only need pen and ink and patient  paper. Printing books is more difficult, since geniuses often have unreadable handwriting. Reading books is more difficult yet, there's such a risk that you will fall asleep. But the most difficult thing any man can undertake, is selling books. 	Sir Stanley Unwin

A book should serve as an axe to the ice inside us.         Franz Kafka (1883-1924)

Any synopsis of a good book is a stupid synopsis.         Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1553-1592)

Report writing, like motor-car driving and love-making, is one of those  activities which almost every Englishman thinks he can do well without  instruction.  The results are of course usually abominable. 	Tom Margerison

All of the books in the world contain no more information than is  broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year.  Not all bits have equal value. 	Carl Sagan

There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

An apology for the devil:it must be remembered that we have heard one side of the case.  God has written all the books.         Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

Damn a man who doesn't read books. The test of a man is his knowledge of humanity, of the politics of human life, his comprehension of the things that move men.                 William Mulholland

God forbid that any book should be banned! The practice is as indefensible as infanticide.                 Dame Rebecca West, 1928

I shall never permit myself to stoop so low as to hate any man.                 Booker T. Washington

If a man writes a better book, preaches a better sermon, or makes a better mousetrap than his neighbor, the world will make a beaten path to his door.                 Ralph Waldo Emerson

Neither men nor gods nor bookstalls have ever allowed poets to be mediocre.                 Horace

Of all the needs a book has the chief need is that it be readable.                 Anthony Trollope

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who  cannot read them.                 Mark Twain

Wherever books are burned, men also, in the end, are burned.                 Heinrich Heine

A study of the science of technology defines what is possible; a study of the economics of technology establishes which of the possibilities is practical and useful. 	Montgomery Phister

Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science. 	Unknown

All science is concerned with the relationship of cause and effect. Each scientific discovery increases man's ability to predict the consequences of his actions and thus his ability to control future events. 	Laurence J. Peter

All science is either physics or stamp collecting. 	Ernest Rutherford (1871-1935)

And science, we should insist, better than any other discipline, can hold up to its students and followers an ideal of patient devotion to the search for objective truth, with vision unclouded by personal or political motive. 	Sir Henry Hallett Dalt

As long as men are free to ask what they must, free to say what they think, free to think what they will, freedom can never be lost and science can never regress.         J. Robert Oppenheimer (1904-1967)

But I have seen the science I worshiped and the airplane I loved destroying the civilization I expected them to serve. 	Charles Lindbergh (1902-1974)

By the time a social science theory is formulated in such a way that it can be tested, changing circumstances have already made it obsolete.	Professor Charles P. Issawi

If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion.	Lazarus Long (Robert Heinlein)

The stature of a science is commonly measured by the degree to which it makes use of mathematics. 	S. S. Stevens

Truth in science can be defined as the working hypothesis best suited to open the way to the next better one. 	Konrad Lorenz

He who possesses art and science has religion; he who does not possess them, needs religion. 	Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe (1749-1832)

Metaphysics is the science of proving what we don't understand. 	Josh Billings (Henry Wheeler Shaw)

Parkinson's Finding on Journals: The progress of science varies inversely with the number of journals published. In science the credit goes to the man who convinces the world, not to the man to whom the idea first occurs. 	Sir William Osler

I maintain there is much more wonder in science than in pseudoscience. And in addition, to whatever measure this term has any meaning, science has the additional virtue, and it is not an inconsiderable one, of being true.	Carl Sagan

In science it often happens that scientists say, "You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken," and then they would actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time someting like that happened in politics or religion. 	Carl Sagan

It is a mistake to believe that a science consists in nothing but conclusively proved propositions, and it is unjust to demand that it should. It is a demandonly from those who feel a craving for authority in some form and a need to replace the religious catechism by something else, even it it be a scientific one.        Sigmund Freud (1856-1939)

Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts is not necessarily science. 	Henri Poincare

I almost think it is the ultimate destiny of science to exterminate the human race. 	Thomas Love Peacock (1785-1866)

The social problems raised by science must be faced and solved by the humanities. 	Harold Dodd

Whenever science makes a discovery, the devil grabs it while the angels are debating the best way to use it. 	Unknown

The age of innocent faith in science and technology may be over. Every major advance in the technological competence of man has enforced revolutionary changes in the economic and political structure of society.	Barry Commoner

The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning, while those other subjects merely require scholarship.	Lazarus Long (Robert Heinlein)

You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. 	F. Allen

The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice. 	Unknown

HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. SHE: What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. 	Walt Kelley

Why do writers write?  Because it isn't there.	Thomas Berger

If you were a member of Jesse James's band and people asked you what you  were, you wouldn't say 'Well, I'm a desperado.'  You'd say something like,  'I work in banks,' or 'I've done some railroad work.'  It took me a long time just to say 'I'm a writer.'  It's really embarrassing." 	Roy Blount, Jr.

All of us learn to write in the second grade.  Most of us go on to greater things. 	Basketball coach Bobby Knight

I feel very old sometimes . . . I carry on and would not like to die before  having emptied a few more buckets of shit on the heads of my fellow men.         Gustave Flaubert (1821-1880)

Our Father, which art in heaven, And has also written a book.... 	Unknown

The only reason for being a professional writer is that you can't help it. 	Leo Rosten

Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are most economical in its use.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

I knew words were like chains, they held me back... the act of description taints the description. 	John Fowles (from "The Magus")

No great artist ever sees things as they really are. If he did, he would cease to be an artist.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

All our life is crushed by the weight of words: the weight of the dead. 	Luigi Pirandello

Art isn't political because of a label, a theory, or a rejected grant  application;  art is political because it has the power to change lives. 	Peter Zeisler

We risk the greatest loss when we allow our questions to be made smaller. 	Stephen Dietz (in an article debunking the oft-used advice 	"you should only write what you know about")

The economic and technological triumphs of the last few years have not solved as many problems as we thought they would, and, in fact, have brought us new problems we did not forsee. 	Henry Ford II

Every great advance in science has issued from a new audacity of imagination. 	John Dewey

Whatever else scientists do, the most significant thing they do is to try to find out things that are not known. 	Dennis Flanagan

Where the telescope ends, the microscope begins.   Which of the two has the greater view? 	Victor Hugo (1802-1885)

The Wright brother's flew right through the smoke screen of impossibility. 	Charles F. Kettering

No great discovery was ever made without a bold guess. 	Sir Issac Newton (1642-1727)

Thought alone is eternal. 	Owen Meredith

To desire immortality is to desire the eternal perpetuation of a great mistake.         Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

To see the world in a grain of sand,  And a heaven in a wild flower;  Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,  And eternity in an hour. 	William Blake - Auguries of Innocence

Here lies, extinguished in his prime,  a victim of modernity:  but yesterday he hadn't time--  and now he has eternity. 	Piet Hein

I'm not religious at all, but I don't believe in death.  Death is a very beautiful thing.  I believe _that_.... I won't ever see you, darling, but  it's been very nice talking to you.  Life is very beautiful, you know. 	Sheila Florance

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior  spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive  with our frail and feeble mind.         Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

When I investigate and when I discover that the forces of the heavens and the planets are within ourselves, then truly I seem to be living among the gods. 	Leon Battista Alberti

My deeply held belief is that if a god of anything like the traditional  sort exists, our curiosity and intelligence is provided by such a God.   We would be unappreciative of that gift . . . if we suppressed our passion  to explore the universe and ourselves. 	Carl Sagan

It may be that our role on this planet is not to  worship God-- but to create him. 	Arthur C. Clarke

I do not feel obliged to believe that that same God who has endowed us with  sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use. 	Galileo Galilei (1564-1642)

God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday,  Thursday, and Saturday.      	William Bragg

Books are the curse of the human race.         Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)

My education was the liberty I had to read indiscriminately and all the time, with my eyes hanging out. 	Dylan Thomas

My early and invincible love of reading, which I would not exchange for the treasures of India. . . 	Edward Gibbon

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. 	Donald E. Knuth

Education is what remains after one has forgotten  everything he learned in school.         B.F. Skinner

Never let your schooling interfere with your education.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

A man doesn't begin to attain wisdom until he recognizes  that he is no longer indispensible. 	Admiral Byrd (1888-1957)

The more we study, the more we discover our ignorance. 	P. B. Shelley (1792-1822)

Knowledge is proud that he has learn'd so much; Wisdom is humble that he knows no more. 	William Cowper (1731-1800)

Education then, beyond all other devices of human origin, is the great equalizer of the conditions of men,--the balance-wheel of the social machinery. 	Horace Mann (1796-1859), in 1848.

Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us.  "He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way.         Kurt Vonnegut Jr.  "Cat's Cradle"

Men have feverishly conceived a heaven only to find it insipid, and a hell to find it ridiculous.         George Santayana (1863-1952)

About the only people who don't quarrel over religion are the people who don't have any. 	Bob Edwards

It is true greatness to have in one the frailty of a man and the security of a god. 	Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4? BC - 65 AD)

Do you know about the Eleventh Commandment? It says, "Thou shalt not bore God, or he will destroy your universe." 	John Lilly

But I was not, to use the theological phrase, _receptive_.  The great obstacle  to the influx of grace was my own perfect happiness, and it is well known that  God takes no thought for the happy, any more than He does for birds and puppies, perhaps realizing they have no need of Him and mercifully letting them alone. 	John Glassco

And who can doubt that it will lead to the worst disorders when minds created free by God are compelled to submit slavishly to an outside will?  When we are told to deny our senses and subject them to the will of others?  When people devoid of whatsoever competence are made judges over experts and are granted authority to treat them as they please?  These are the novelties which are apt to bring about the ruin of commonwealths and the subversion of the state.	Galileo Galilei (1564-1642)

God used beautiful mathematics in creating the world. 	Paul Dirac

If I were meta-agnostic, I'd be confused over whether I'm agnostic or not-- but   I'm not quite sure if I feel That way; hence I must be meta-meta-agnostic (I guess).	Douglas R. Hofstadter - Godel, Escher, Bach

I am not, nor ever have been, in favor of bringing about in any way the social and political equality of the white and black races--I am not, nor ever have been, in favor of making voters or jurors of Negroes,  nor of qualifying them to hold office, nor to intermarry with white people.         Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.         Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

The first clergyman was the first rascal who met the first fool.         Voltaire (1694-1778)

Author:  A fool who, not content with having bored those who have lived with him, insists on tormenting the generations to come.         Montesquieu (1689-1755)

A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely  foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. 	Douglas Adams From _Mostly Harmless_

The greatest obstacle to being heroic is the doubt whether one may going to prove one's self a fool.         Nathaniel Hawthorne (1804-1864)

The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him   and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.         Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

The country that draws a broad line between its fighting  men and its thinking men will find its fighting done by fools  and its thinking done by cowards. 	Sir William F. Butler

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do. 	Dale Carnegie

Experience is a dear teacher, but fools will learn from no other. 	Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.         Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters. 	Solomon Short

"Fishing baskets are employed to catch fish; but when the fish are got men forget the baskets; snares are employed to catch hares, but when  the hares are got, men forget the snares. Words are employed to convey  ideas, but when the ideas are grasped, men forget the words." -- Chuang Tzu

Ideas are not responsible to the people who thought of them. 	Matthew Ryan

There are only two kinds of scholars; those who love ideas and those who hate them. 	Emile Chartier

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal,  the school department is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. 	Barrington, RI superintendent of (public) schools

And what is a good citizen?  Simply one who never says, does or thinks anything that is unusual.  Schools are maintained in order to bring this uniformity up to the highest possible point.

It sometimes seems as though we were trying to combine the ideal of no schools at all with the democratic ideal of schools for everybody by having schools without education.  	Robert Maynard Hutchins

When a man teaches something he does not know to somebody else who has no aptitutde for it, and gives him a certificate of proficiency,  the latter has completed the education of a genetleman.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Education is a private matter between the person and the world of  knoweledge and experience, and has little to do with school or college. 	Lillian Smith

What is it about universities that utterly saps the imagination from otherwise intelligent people? 	Jerod Pore

A degree, ... is a first step down a ruinous highway.  You don't want to  waste it so you go on to graduate work and doctoral research. You end up a  thorough-going ignoramus on everything in the world except for one  subdivisional sliver of nothing. 	Isaac Asimov, _The Dead Past_

No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man. 	Heraclitas

An ending is no more than a point in sequence, a snip of the cutting shears. 	John Fowles

So manifold are our interests in life that it is not uncommon that, on a  single occassion, the foundations of a happiness which does not yet exist  are laid down simultaneously with the aggravations of a grief from which we  are still suffering.         Marcel Proust (1871-1922)

For a man cannot change, that is to say, become another person, while he   continues to obey the dictates of the self which he has ceased to be.        Marcel Proust (1871-1922)

I know I'm going to get old and be one of those crazy women who sits on  balconies and spits on people and screams, 'Get a haircut!'  I know this,  and I don't really fear it.  I'd just like to move toward it with as much  grace and dignity as possible. 	Carrie Fisher, "Postcards..."

I am a part of all that I have met; Yet all experience is an arch wherethrough Gleams that untraveled world, whose margin fades For ever and for ever when I move. 	"Ulysses" by Alfred, Lord Tennyson lines 18-21

There comes a time in the history of any project when it becomes necessary to shoot the engineers and begin production. 	MacUser, November 1990

We're engineers.  What's Pi?  Oh, about three. 	Jen Quiren

Engineering induction:  if it works for n = 1, 2, and 3, that's good enough for me. 	Ric Hehner

Every St. Patrick's Day every Irishman goes out to find another Irishman to make a speech to.         Shane Leslie

I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on.         Oscar Levant (1906-1972)

Sparkle, sparkle, little twink, What the heck you are I think, From the alcofluence of incohol, Some thinkle peep I are, I fool so feelish sitting here, The drunker I sit the longer I get.

Of course, it is very important to be sober when you take an exam. Many worthwile careers in the street-cleansing, fruit-picking and subway-guitar- playing industries have been founded on a lack of understanding of this simple fact. 	Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures

To many total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.         St. Augustine (354-430)

They who drink beer will think beer. 	Washington Irving (1783-1859)

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the  point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.         Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) "The Devil's Dictionary"

Woe to him inside a nonconformist clique who does not conform with nonconformity.         Eric Hoffer

What is the world coming to when we ignore the opportunities to remove idiots from our surroundings? 	Dan Sorenson

There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that all employees are going to be required to have lobotomies . . . at least at the prices we were quoted. 	Dilbert

If the only tool you have is a hammer, all problems begin to look like nails. 	Abraham Maslow

I push for excellence in writing, but when a killer removes the victim's intestines, it's fascinating. 	Rose Mandelsberg, editor of "True Detective"

PC Bulletin: Henceforth, sentient computers would like to be known as "Silicon Intelligences." "Artificial Intelligence" is a pejorative term invented by humans based on the mistaken belief that computers are some- how not "natural."                   - elf@halcyon.com

It is impossible to objectively experience one's death and still carry a tune. 	Woody Allen

Hollywood: A dreary industrial town controlled by hoodlums of enormous wealth.         S.J. Perelman

Everything has a boolean value, if you stand far enough away from it. 	Galena Alyson Canada

I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.         Zsa Zsa Gabor

Experience is one thing you can not get for nothing.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

A proverb is no proverb to you till life has illustrated it. 	John Keats (1795-1821)

Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

You can not create experience.  You must undergo it.         Albert Camus (1913-1960)

The more sand has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it. 	Jean Paul Sartre (1905-1980)

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is  in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot  stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove- lid again - and that  is well; but she will also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability  to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable  for their apparent disinclination to do so. 	Douglas Adams

One learns every day.  Experience is a great teacher.  By experience you learn.  But as I enter office, I'm prepared now.  Obviously, I will be more  prepared as time goes on.  I will know more about the office of the presidency.   But I'm prepared now and I will be more prepared as time goes on.

A narcissist is someone better-looking than you are.        Gore Vidal

How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate  with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the  strong.  Because someday in life you will have been all of these. 	George Washington Carver (1864-1943)

When men lack a sense of awe, there will be disaster.         Lao Tse, _Tao Te Ching: 72_

The Social Sciences are good at accounting for disasters once they have taken place.         Claude T. Bissell

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded.  Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real. 	General Douglas MacArthur (1880-1964) 1957

Liberty doesn't work as well in practice as it does in speeches.         Will Rogers (1879-1935)

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.         H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Intellectuals are people who believe that ideas are of more importance than values.  That is to say, their own ideas and other people's values.	Gerald Brenan

If you leave the smallest corner of your head vacant for a moment, other people's opinions will rush in from all quarters.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Complete possession is proved only by giving. All you are unable to give possesses you.         Andre Gide (1876-1951)

What I spent, is gone; what I kept, I lost; but what I gave away will be mine forever. 	Ethel Percy Andrus

Many wealthy people are little more than janitors of their possessions.         Frank Lloyd Wright (1869-1959)

You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money.         P. J. O'Rourke

Economists tell us how to make money; psychiatrists give us a place to spend it. 	Allan Bloom   _The Closing of the American Mind_

I cannot afford to waste my time making money. 	Jean Louis Agassiz (1807-1873)

I am opposed to abortion and government funding of abortions. We should not spend  state funds on abortions because so many people believe abortion is wrong.	Bill Clinton, to Arkansas Right to Life, September 26, 1986

I owned an El Camino pickup in the '70s.  It was a real sort of southern deal.  I had Astroturf in the back.  You don't want to know why, but I did. 	Bill Clinton 2/8/94, later he said it was to protect his luggage.

No government really rooted in limited, parliamentary democracy should have the power to make its citizens fight and kill and die in a war they may oppose, a war which even possibly may be wrong, a war which, in any case, does not involve immediately the peace and freedom of the nation. 	Bill Clinton, December 1969

Instead of a backbreaking federal gas tax, we should try conservation, increased use of natural gas, and increased use of alternative fuels. 	Bill Clinton, PUTTING PEOPLE FIRST, June 20, 1992

I told you when I announced for Governor...I'm gonna serve four years. That's the job I want -- that's the job I'll do for the next four years. 	Bill Clinton, Gubernatorial Debate, October 15, 1990

I'm not for gun control. 	Bill Clinton - Arkansas Gazette, Nov. 2, 1990

I was an early and strong supporter of the Brady Bill. 	Bill Clinton - NBC, Oct. 17, 1991

But there are a few major plans before the Congress now. Only one of them deals  with long-term care and prescription drugs for the elderly - our proposal. 	Bill Clinton to seniors in Edison, NJ, 2/16/94.   	The White House later admitted that the a competing proposal  	also contained extensive provisions for both.

There have been no scandals in this administration. 	Bill Clinton - PBS's "Washington Week in Review," 2/25/94

I want to make it very clear that this middle class tax cut, in my view, is  central to any attempt we're going to make to have a short-term economic strategy. 	Bill Clinton, January 19, 1992

[New York] is the place where if you have talent, and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then some day, maybe -- just maybe -- you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train. 	Dave Barry

According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh.  The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much, because we know that we could beat up their city anytime. 	David Letterman

It's all painfully obvious to me -- there's nothing wrong with New York that a sound thrashing, a hot bath, and about $20 billion in federally guaranteed loans wouldn't cure.	The Badger

New York: where everyone mutinies but no one deserts. 	Harry Hershfield

The main thing I like about New Yorkers is that they understand that their lives are a relentless circus of horrors, ending in death. As New Yorkers we realize this, we resign ourselves to our fate, and we make sure that everyone else is as miserable as we are.  Good town. 	Kyle Baker, "Why I Hate Saturn"

I think my favorite sport in the Olympics is the one in which you make your way through the snow, you stop, you shoot a gun, and then you continue on. In most of the world, it is known as the biathlon, except in New York City, where it is known as winter. 	Michael Ventre, LA Daily News

New York:  The only city where people make radio requests like "This is for Tina - I'm sorry I stabbed you"         Carol Leifer

Lighthouses are more helpful than churches. 	Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to get themselves filed.         Clifton Fadiman

If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction. 	Dietrich Bonhoeffer, _The Way to Freedom_

Trying to determine what is going on in the world by reading newspapers is like trying to tell the time by watching the second hand of a clock.         Ben Hecht

It seems  paradoxical beyond endurance that a  manufacturer of  shampoos may not endanger a student's scalp but a premier educational institution is free to stuff his skull with nonsense.  	George J. Stigler

All those years of effort. 	Woodrow Wilson (1856-1924) 	reflecting on his studies of Colonial American History

Bolivia Exports Tin. 	A student from Saydel H.S. in des Moines Iowa after being asked,  	"Have you learned ANYTHING in this class?"

History has the relation to truth that  theology has to religion - i.e. none to speak of. 	Lazarus Long (Robert Heinlein)

History does not repeat itself. Historians repeat each other.         Arthur Balfour (1848-1930)

I once asked my history teacher how we were expected to learn anything useful from his subject, when it seemed to me to be nothing but a monotonous and sordid succession of robber baron scumbags devoid of any admirable human qualities.  I failed history. 	Sting

The charm of history and its enigmatic lesson consist in the fact that,  from age to age, nothing changes and yet everything is completely different. 	Aldous Huxley (1894-1963) - The Devils of Loudun

K is for Kenghis Khan.   _He_ was a very _nice_ person.  History has no  record of him.  There is a moral in that, somewhere.         Harlan Ellison - From A to Z in the Chocolate Alphabet

The slinky of destiny is making it's way back to the top of the stairs. 	H.M. Murdock, "A Team"

You look into his eyes, and you think someone else is driving. 	David Letterman

Never date a man whose belt buckle is bigger than his head. 	"Grace Under Fire"  ABC-TV (Casey Werner Co)

Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.         Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

I don't like war.  I've never been in a war, but I have seen _The Killing Fields._ 	Fawn Hall

I once told Fordie [Ford Madox Ford] that if he were placed naked and alone in a room without furniture, I would come back in an hour and find total confusion.	Ezra Pound (1885-1972)

Be willing to make decisions.  That's the most important quality in a good leader.  Don't fall victim to what I call the Ready- Aim-Aim-Aim Syndrome.  You must be willing to fire. 	T. Boone Pickens

Journalism consists largely in saying "Lord Jones died" to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive.         G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

Writers live the sad truth just like everyone else. The only difference is, they file reports. 	_Naked Lunch_

There is nothing I desire more to be informed of, than the death of men:that  is to say, what words, what countenance, and what face they show at their death... Were I a composer of books, I would keep a register, commented of the diverse  deaths, which in teaching men to die, should after teach them to live.         Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1553-1592)

Death and the sun are not to be looked at steadily.         La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

It is impossible that anything so natural, so necessary, and so universal as  death, should ever have been devised by Providence as an evil to mankind. 	Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)

Men fear death as children fear to go in the dark; and as that  natural fear in children is increased by tales, so is the other.         Francis Bacon (1561-1626) - Of Death

And since the stench of death will always attract flies and vermin, the arrival of Geraldo was perhaps inevitable.  	Gary Trudeau

Thoreau on his deathbed and sinking fast was asked by his aunt who'd long worried about her nephew, "Have you made your peace with your God?"  Thoreau, still alert, replied, "I never quarreled  with my God."  Thoreau's aunt pursued the matter, asking, "But aren't you concerned about the next world?"  Thoreau, impatient now, said, "One world at a time."

People who take issue with control of population do not understand that if it is not done in a gracefull way, nature will do it in a brutal fashion. 	H. Kendall

In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments - there are consequences. 	Robert Ingersoll (Lectures and Essays, 3d Series, Some Reasons Why, iii)

Thus, from the war of nature, from famine and death, the most  exalted object which we are capable of conceiving, namely, the  production of the higher animals, directly follows.         Charles Darwin (1809-1882)

Such is the life of man: brief moments of joy, soon obliterated by unforgettable sorrows. 	narrative from "Le Chateau de ma Mere", un film de Yves Robert (1990)

To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life. 	Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1894)

Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you also have an obligation to be one. 	Elanor Roosevelt (1884-1962)

An adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered.         G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

He who is not busy being born is busy dying. 	Bob Dylan

He felt he was in posession of some impossible good news, which made  every other thing a triviality, but an adorable triviality. 	G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936), _The Man Who Was Thursday_

The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look.  It  works in reverse, too.  When I see a kid with three or four rings in his  nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.

The passed pawn is a criminal, who must be kept under lock and key.   Mere surveillance is not enough.        Aaron Nimzovich (1886-1935), _My System_

..for chess, that superb, cold, infinitely satisfying anodyne to life, I feel the ardour of a lover, the humility of a disciple. 	Herbert Russel Wakefield

Les pawns sont l'ame du jeu. (The pawns are the soul of the game) 	Danican Philidor (1726-95)

I don't believe in psychology.  I believe in good moves. 	Bobby Fischer

... when you have eliminated the impossible, that which remains,however improbable, must be the truth.         Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (1859-1930), _The_Sign_Of_Four_

The only way to discover the limits of the possible  is to go beyond them into the impossible. 	Arthur C. Clarke

Familiarity breeds attempt. 	Goodman Ace (1899-1982)

I've tried several varieties of sex.  The conventional position makes  me claustrophobic and the others give me a stiff neck or lockjaw. 	Tallulah Bankhead (1903-1968)

I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.  I haven't had time for tobacco since. 	Arturo Toscanini (1867-1957)

I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign. 	Mae West (1893-1980)

Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn. 	Garrison Keillor

Of all the sexual aberrations, perhaps the most peculiar is chastity. 	Remy de Gourmont (1858-1915)

Never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television. 	Gore Vidal

A friend is a present you give yourself. 	Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1894)

Books, like friends, should be few and well chosen. 	Samuel Paterson

Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years  	Richard Bach, Illusions

Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends.  People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals.	Cynthia Heimel

Friendships are fragile things, and require as much handling as any other fragile and precious thing. 	Randolph S. Bourne

The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our  friends and fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck  of dirt while we are drifting side by side to our common doom. 	Clarence Darrow (1857-1938)

Thy friendship oft has made my heart to ache: Do be my enemy--for friendship's sake.         William Blake (1757-1827)

I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better. 	Plutarch c. AD 46 - 120

We need very strong ears to hear ourselves judged frankly, and because there are few who can endure frank criticism without being stung by it, those who venture to criticize us perform a remarkable act of friendship, for to undertake to wound or offend a man for his own good is to have a healthy love for him.         Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1553-1592)

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller,  richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party hat says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.	P.J. O'Rourke

A democracy is a government in the hands of men of low birth, no property, and vulgar employments. 	Aristotle (384-322 BC)

Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace--and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock. 	 _The Third Man_

Chemistry is physics without thought; mathematics is physics without purpose. 	Anonymous

Ludwig Boltzmann, who spent much of his life studying statistical mechanics, died in 1906, by his own hand.  Paul Ehrenfest, carrying on the work, died similarly in 1933.  Now it is our turn to study statistical mechanics. Perhaps it will be wise to approach the subject cautiously.	David L. Goodstein, _States of Matter_ (1975).

Women are but the toys which amuse our lighter hours; ambition is the serious business of life. 	Sir Walter Scott (1771-1832), Ivanhoe

Women who insist upon having the same options as men would do well to consider the option of being the strong, silent type.         Fran Lebowitz

We will have equality when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a male schlemiel.         Estelle Ramey

You know, sometimes a man just can't satisfy all of a woman's desires.  Which is why God invented dental floss.      Susanne Kollrack

But what is woman? -- only one of Nature's more agreeable blunders. 	Hannah Cowley (1743-1809)

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may. Old time is still a-flying, and this same flower that smiles today, tomorrow will be dying. 	Robert Herrick,  "To the Virgins to Make Much of Time"

Poets live in dreams and die in hunger. 	Augustine (ma Mere) in "Le Chateau de ma Mere"        	un film de Yves Robert (1990), script by Lucette Andrei

The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.         Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.         Redd Foxx

We who are about to die, are going to take one hell of a lot of the bastards with us.      Karl Cullinane, _The Silver Crown_ by Joel Rosenberg

A woman in love will do almost anything for a man,  except give up the desire to improve him.        Nathaniel Branden

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.        Stephen Leacock

I'm tired of love, I'm still more tired of rhyme,  but money gives me pleasure all the time.         Hilaire Belloc

A man always finds it hard to realize that he may have finally lost a woman's love, however badly he may have treated her. 	Holmes, in : "The Musgrave Ritual"

...An Idealist in love.  Worse than a romantic.  Oh, infinitely.  An idealist.   Always faithful.  Loyal.  Trustworthy.  Rare, of course, but not treasured.   Few buyers. 	Josephine Hart, from "Sin"

There are very few people who are not ashamed of having been in love when they no longer love each other.         Francois De La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

Love is the answer, but while you're waithing for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. 	Woody Allen

Love is an emotion experienced by the many and enjoyed by the few.         George Jean Nathan (1882-1958)

Love is like a snowmobile flying over the frozen tundra that suddenly flips,  pinning you underneath.  At night the ice weasles come. 	Matt Groenig

Love is not an emotion, it's a decision. 	Scott Peck during an interview on KTKK radio (Utah),  	Sunday, Oct. 18, 1992

Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition. 	Alexander Smith

Life-the way it really is - is a battle not between Bad and Good but between Bad and Worse.         Joseph Brodsky

I'd rather be a meteor, blazing across the sky, every atom in me in magnificent glow, than to be a sleepy and permanent planet. Life is to be lived, not to exist. 	Jack London (1876-1916)

Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint on it you can. 	Danny Kaye

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.	Clarence Darrow (1857-1938)

I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has income and she is pattable."         Ogden Nash (1902-1971)

Every person, all of the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you do with them is up to you. 	Richard Bach _Illusions_

This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been a real life you would have been instructed where to go and what to do. 	Unknown

>From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life. 	Arthur Ashe

All of life's riddles are answered in the movies. 	Davis in Grand Canyon (1991)

Fear not your enemies, for they can only kill you; fear not your friends,  for they can only betray you.  Fear only the indifferent, who permit the  killers and betrayers to walk safely on the earth. 	Edward Yashinsky

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.         John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)

You can judge a man by his enemies. 	Edward Stuyvesant Bragg,  	1884 Democratic national convention

I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters and my enemies for their intellects.  A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.        Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

The art of leadership.....consists in consolidating the attention of the people against a single adversary  and taking care that nothing will split up that attention.Adolf Hitler (1889-1945)

Enemies are so stimulating. 	Katharine Hepburn

To have a good enemy, choose a friend: he knows where to strike. 	Diane de Poitiers

Despise the enemy strategically, but take him seriously tactically. 	Mao Tse-tung

No man would dare say a bad word against Mother's  Day in public, or a good word for it in private.          Alistair Cooke

I looked on child-rearing not only as a work of love and duty but as a profession that was fully as interesting and challenging as any honorable profession in the world and one that demanded the best that I could bring to it. 	Rose Kennedy

A woman who can cope with the terrible twos can cope with anything. 	Judith Clabes

When I stopped seeing my mother with the eyes of a child, I saw the woman who helped me give birth to myself. 	Nancy Friday

A mother is neither cocky, nor proud, because she knows the school principal may call at any minute to report that her child had just driven a motorcycle through the gymnasium. 	Mary Kay Blakely

I am dismayed by the paucity of presentable children.         T.H. White

Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon how children do not come into the world.         Karl Kraus (1874-1936)

The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.         Quentin Crisp

Always do what you are afraid to do.         Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

We are kept keen on the grindstone of pain and necessity. 	H.G. Wells (1885-1946) ("The Time Machine")

In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.  It is not always an easy sacrifice. 	Richard Bach, Illusions

It's only in uncertainty that we're naked and alive. 	Peter Gabriel

Happiness is the only sanction of life; where happiness fails, existence remains a mad and lamentable experiment.

Live as if you were living already for the second time and as if you had  acted the first time as wrongly as you are about to act now. 	Victor Frankl

There are two roads, of abandoning resolutely one's present life in order to make the life of one's dreams come true, and renouncing the dream in  order to throw oneself wholeheartedly into one's present situation. 	Paul Tournier

There are two things to aim at in life: first, to get what you want; and after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second.         Logan Pearsall Smith (1865-1946) _Afterthoughts_, 1931

You only need to take it personally if it's your life. 	Tom Steinmetz

If you tell people the truth you'd better make them laugh or they'll kill you.	Charles Ludlam

All great truths begin as blasphemies.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), _Annajanska_.

It's the truth even if it didn't happen. 	Ken Kesey, _One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest_.

Like all dreamers, I mistook disenchantment for truth. 	Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980), _Words_.

Sanity is a cozy lie. 	Susan Sontag, "Against Interpretation."

Of course I shall go astray often...for who does not make mistakes?... but I cannot go far wrong for I have seen the truth." 	Fedor Mikhallovich Dostoevsky (1821-1881)

Many people would be more truthful were it not for their uncontrollable desire to talk. 	Edward Watson Howe

George Washington as a boy was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth - he could not even lie.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Take note, take note, O world, To be direct and honest is not safe. 	William Shakespeare (1564-1616) _Othello_

It's not always honesty, That is _the_ best policy. 	Styx, "Double Life," on _Kilroy Was Here_

Between truth and the search for thruth, I opt for the second. 	Bernard Berenson, _Essays in Appreciation_.

There are people who think that honesty is always the best policy.  this is a superstition; there are times when the appearance of it is worth six of it.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Truth is not always in a well.  In fact, as regards the more important  knowledge, I do believe that she is invariably superficial.  The depth  lies in the valleys where we seek her, and not upon the mountain-tops  where she is found.        Edgar Allan Poe (1809-1849) - The Murders in the Rue Morgue

I do not know what I may appear to the world; but to myself I seem to have been only a boy playing on the sea-shore, and diverting myself in now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me. 	Sir Issac Newton (1642-1727)

Every life should have nine cats.         Unknown

We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it than to consume wealth without producing it.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Best hundred million I ever spent. 	Steve Wozniak, co-founder of Apple Computer, when asked 	about his state of California mediated 50% property split.

How would you like a job where, if you made a mistake, a big red light goes on and 18,000 people boo? 	Former Hocky Goalie, Jacques Plante

I suppose I should get a VCR, but the only thing I like about television is its ephemerality. 	PJ O'Rourke

The course of true love never did run smooth. 	William Shakespeare (1564-1616) 	Lysander, Act I, Scene i, line 134, 	"A Midsummer Night's Dream"

Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of travelling. 	M.L. Runbeck

"What has the study of biology taught you about the Creator, Dr. Haldane?" JBS Haldane: "I'm not sure, but he seems to be inordinately fond of beetles."

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class or, on special occasions, for the working class.  Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact.         Erma Bombeck

What is flirtation? One might say that it is behavior leading another to believe that sexual intimacy is possible, while preventing that possibility from becoming a certainty. In other words, flirting is a promise of sexual intercourse without a guarantee. 	Milan Kundera "The Unbearable Lightness of Being"

An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes, which can be made, in a very narrow field. 	Niels Bohr (1885-1962)

An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less until they know nearly everything about next to nothing." 	Norman Dann, Ph.D Soc. Sci.

My definition of an expert in any field is a person who knows enough about what's really going to be scared. 	P.J. Plauger, Computer Language, Programming on Purpose, p.29, March 1983

Weinberg's Corollary: An expert is someone who avoids the small mistakes while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish a reputation as an expert.         Laurence J. Peter

Pursuing the religious life today without using psychedelics drugs is like studying astronomy with the naked eye because that's how they did it in the first century A.D., and besides, telescopes are unnatural. 	Timothy Leary, "The Politics of Ecstasy"

There are three side effects of acid.  Enchanced long term memory, decreased short term memory, and I forget the third. 	Timothy Leary

As with most fine things, chocolate has its season.  There is a simple  memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time  to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter  A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. 	Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"

Heroin wasn't around then.  It was introduced as a "safe" alternative to  morphine, just as methadone was then introduced as a "safe" alternative to  heroin.  As usual, the drug problem had to be continuously invented, or  there would not be one. 	Christopher Pettus

People who meet me are always surprised that I'm congenial.  I guess they  expect me to pull out a .44.  Well, I can't.  I don't even own a gun. 	Clint Eastwood

Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun. 	Mao Tse-Tung

Man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road.         Alexander Smith

Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. 	W.H. Murray

It was better, he thought, to fail in attempting exquisite things than  to succeed in the department of the utterly contemptible. 	Arthur Machen - The Hill of Dreams

As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.         C.G. Jung (1875-1961) _Memories, Dreams, Reflections_.

If all mankind minus one were of one opinion, and the one was of the contrary,  mankind would be no more justified in silencing that one person, than he, if  he had the power, would be justified in silencing mankind. 	John Stuart Mill (1806-1873)

Don't, Sir, accustom yourself to use big words for little matters.         Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

A man who could make so vile a pun, would not scruple to pick a pocket. 	John Dennis (1657-1734)

Language exists to conceal true thought.         Charles De Talleyrand (1754-1838)

When ideas fail, words come in very handy. 	Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe (1749-1832)

Without knowing the force of words, it is impossible to know men. 	Confucious, _Analects_ (tr. James Legge), Bk. XX.

Take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say, and then say it with the utmost levity.         George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

We are students of words: we are shut up in schools and colleges   and recitation-rooms for ten or fifteen years, and come out at last  with a bag of wind, a memory of words, and do not know a thing.         Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882),

One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and, if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words. 	Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe (1749-1832),

If the English language has been properly organized, then there would be a word which mean both "he" and "she," and I could write "If John or Mary comes, heesh will want to play tennis," which would save a lot of trouble. 	A.A. Milne (1882-1956)  	_The Christopher Robin Birthday Book_.

in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him  overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. 	Dave Barry

And now it seems she's on my wavelength.  That's all I need.  My mind isn't much of a comfort to me but at least I thought it was private. 	Russell Hoban, _Turtle Diary_.

I imagine the ball to be alive, sensitive, responding to the touch of my foot, to my caresses, like a woman with the man she loves. 	Eric Cantona.

Cry Havoc, and let slip the dogs of war. William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar, Act III, Scene I

There never was a good war or a bad peace. Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) in a letter to Josiah Quincy, 11 Sept. 1773

In peace, sons bury their fathers; in war, fathers bury their sons. Herodotus (484-425 B.C.)

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. 	George McGovern

This is a picture of the British High Command at the beginning of World War I.   These aren't evil men -- some of them aren't even stupid. Gwyn Dyer from his PBS miniseries WAR

I regard even a victorious war as an evil, that politics must strive to spare the people from. Otto von Bismarck (1815-1898)

I am tired and sick of war.  Its glory is all moonshine.  It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood, more vengeance, more desolation.  War is hell.	William Tecumseh Sherman (1820-1891)

O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us towring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with their little children to wander unfriended through wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sport of the sun-flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn withtravail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it --- for our sakes, who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask of one who is the Spirit of love and who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset, and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Grant our prayer, O Lord, and Thine shall be the praise and honor and glory now and ever, Amen.       Mark Twain (1835-1910) - War Prayer

War is much too serious a thing to be left to the military.  --  Clemenceau

Every man seeks peace by waging war, but no man seeks war by making peace.  ~~  Augustine

Without war, the world would slide dissoloutely into materialism.  --  von Moltke

In war, nothing is ever as bad, or as good, as it is reported to Higher Headquarters.   --  George S. Patton

Peace is not an absence of war, it is a virtue, a state of mind, a disposition for benevolence, confidence, justice.   --  Spinoza

The end of war's uncertain.  --  Corialanus, v:3

In war, resolution; in defeat, defiance; in victory magnanimity; in peace, goodwill.  --  Winston Churchill

They now _ring_ the bells, but they will soon _wring_ their hands.  --  Robert Walpole,    on declaration of War

They shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruning hooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more. --  Isaiah 2:4

To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.  --  Winston Churchill

Will you again unknit the churlish knot of all-abhorred war?   --  I Henry IV, v:1

Nothing travels faster thanthe speed of light with the possible exception of bad news

Cursed be the father of the bride of the blacksmith who forged the iron for the axe with which the woodsman hacked down the oak from which the bed was carved in which was conceived the great-grandfather of the man who was driving the carriage in which your father met your mother. 	Robert Desnos (a French poet)

Everybody has a right to pronounce foreign names as he chooses.         Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

Names are not always what they seem.  The common Welsh name Bzjxxllwcp is pronounced Jackson.         Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it.   Christopher Morley (1890-1957)

They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy; foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.        Mark Twain (1835-1910)

There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the man who eats Grapenuts on principle.         G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

E-mail is like a clothespin. Once you figure it out,  you can't hang your clothes without it.

Let desire reign and be willing to take the consequences.

To knock a thing down, especially if it is cocked at an arrogant angle, is a deep delight of the blood.       George Santayana (1863-1952)

Television has lifted the manufacture of banality out of the sphere of handicraft and placed it in that of a major industry. Nathalie Sarraute

Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen.         P.J. O'Rourke

When the next White House enemies list comes out, I want to be on it. 	Hunter S. Thompson

The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it. 	John Gilmore

Practice makes perfect, except in Russian Roulette, where practice only serves to make a big mess.	Alfred E. Neumann

The threat is often stronger than the execution.         Aaron Nimzovich (1886-1935) (International Grandmaster Chess Player)

It's not enough to have a lot of respect for bishops in the abstract - you've gotta watch out for them! Shelby Lyman, chesscaster (NY Times)

The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle,  and the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true. Danny Kaye, in "The Court Jester"

As science pushes forward, ignorance and superstition gallop around the flanks and bite science in the rear with big dark teeth. Philip Jose Farmer, _The Purple Book_, p. 84

Progress is the mother of all problems.         G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

'Change' is scientific, 'progress' is ethical; change is indubitable, whereas progress is a matter of controversy. Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger.         Frank Lloyd Wright (1869-1959)

The art of progress is to preserve order amid change and to preserve change amid order.         Alfred North Whitehead (1861-1947)

Progress, far from consisting in change, depends on retentiveness... Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. George Santayana (1863-1952)

As enunciated today, "progress" is simply a comparative of which we have not settled the superlative.         G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)  _Heretics_

It is not real work unless you would rather be doing something else. 	J. M. Barrie (1860-1937)

It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? 	Ronald Reagan (1911- )

Work is the curse of the drinking classes. 	Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him _whose_? 	Don Marquis (1878-1937)

Put your talent into your work, but your genius into your life.         Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

My work always tried to unite the true with the beautiful; but when I had to choose one or the other, I usually chose the beautiful. 	Hermann Weyl

Be regular and orderly in your life, that you may be violent and original in your work. Clive Barker, "Jihad"

Work to survive, survive by consuming, survive to consume; the hellish cycle is complete.

My grandfather once told me that there are two kinds of people: those who work and those who take the credit.  He told me to try to be in the first group; there was less competition there. 	Indira Gandhi (1917- ?)

Hewlett Packard at one point had only three private offices. One belonged to Hewlett, one to Packard, and the third to a guy named Paul Ely who annoyed so many coworkers with his bellowing on the phone that the company finally extended his cubicle walls to the ceiling. 	Robert Cringley, _Accidental Empires_

Doubt is not a pleasant condition. But certainty is absurd.

I may forget what someone may say or do, but I do not forget how they made me feel. --Unknown

Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you. --Carl Sandburg

There are some things you learn best in calm and some in storm. --Willa Cather

Oh heart, if one should say to you that the soul perishes like the body, answer that the flower withers, but the seed remains. --Khalil Gibran

Wisdom doesn't allways come with age. Sometimes age comes alone.

I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I've written for myself. And so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part. --Shirley MacLaine

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. --Unknown

May the wind and the ice and the snow sing your name forever.

Why are palindromes called that?

It is better to have loved and lost than to have to live with that fucking phsyco for the rest of your life.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious. --T.S. Eliot

The greatest discovery is that a person can change their future by merely changing their attitude.  --Unknown

If you are not content with what you have, you would not be satisfied if it were doubled. --Charles Haddon Spurgeon

Failure is only postponed success as long as courage coaches ambition. The habit of persistence is the habit of victory. --Unknown

A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong, which is but saying that he is wiser today than he was yesterday. --Alexander Pope

Things could be worse. Suppose your errors were counted and recorded every day like those of a baseball player. --Unknown

Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.--Unknown

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.  --Ralph Waldo Emerson

He who has health has hope and he who has hope, has everything. --Unknown

If God were small enough to be understood, He would not be big enough to be worshipped.  --Evelyn Underhill

If you believe everything you read, you better not read.  --Japanese proverb

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward, it is not a compliment to say it is brave.  --Mark Twain

There are only two ways of telling the complete truth: anonymously and posthumously.  --Thomas Sowell

It's a sign of mediocrity when you demonstrate gratitude with moderation.  --Roberto Benigni

Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.  --Helen Keller

I have learnt silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers. --Kahlil Gibran

Many of our fears are tissue paper thin and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them. --Brendan Francis Behan

When we accept tough jobs as a challenge to our ability and wade into them with joy and enthusiasm, miracles can happen. --Arland Gilbert

Your hopes, dreams and aspirations are legitimate. They are trying to take you airborne, above the clouds, above the storms, if you only let them. --William James

To be alive, to be able to see, to walk; it's all a miracle. --Arthur Rubinstein

Don't be afraid of building castles in the air. That's where castles belong. Just be sure to build a good foundation under them.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often, they get elected. --Will Rogers

I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. I will not refuse to do the something I can do. --Unknown

Wisdom is sweet to your soul. If you find it, you will have a bright future and your hopes will not be cut short. --Proverbs 24:14

The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost all your money. --Unknown

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgement.

I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

I honour my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

Joan of Arc heard voices too.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit; but not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

I am at one with my duality.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilising myself with imaginary fears.

I honour and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

False hope is better than no hope at all.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll find someone.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.

To understand all is to fear all.

I will find humour in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Of course the people don't want war. But after all, it's the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger."  -- Herman Goering at the Nuremberg trials

Want the rainbow? Put up with the rain.  --Dolly Parton

If your heart acquires strength, you will be able to remove blemishes from others without thinking evil of them.  --Gandhi

Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befalls him. --Romain Gary

There are three religious truths:
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the Leader of the Christian Faith.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?  Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,  But a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

If a cow snorted when it laughed would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice that when you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.  --Mark Twain

It is better to sleep on things beforehand than lie awake about them afterward. --Baltasar Gracian

One man with courage makes a majority. --Andrew Jackson

As long as you keep a person down, some part of you has to be down there to hold him down, so it means you cannot soar as you otherwise might.  --Marian Anderson

Some minds are like concrete: thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.  --Unknown

Whatever enlarges hope will also exalt courage. --Samuel Johnson

If you want to catch something, running after it isn't always the best way. --Lois McMaster Bujold

The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it. --Chinese proverb

The young do not know enough to be prudent and therefore, they attempt the impossible and achieve it, generation after generation. --Pearl S. Buck

Better keep yourself clean and bright. You are the window through which you must see the world. --George Bernard Shaw

If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness and fears. --Glenn Clark

I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning. --J.B. Priestly

Life is short, but there is always time enough for courtesy. --Ralph Waldo Emerson

A champion is someone who gets up when he can't. --Jack Dempsey

Victory is sweetest when you've known defeat. --Malcolm Forbes

Devoted Golfer *** My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from nine holes to 18 holes.  Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on. When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand and a golf club in the other. And behind me was a clear cut swath leading out of the woods."There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"

There are two kinds of men who never amount to much: those who cannot do what they are told and those who can do nothing else. --Cyrus H. Curtis

No matter who says what, you should accept it with a smile and do your own work. --Mother Teresa

The world is moved not only by the mighty shoves of the heroes, but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker. --Helen Keller

Passion is always an expression of the soul.  --Patrick Dixon

Life is short, break the rules. Forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile. --Unknown

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after awhile, he gets to know something. --Wilson Mizner

Make yourself an honest man and then you may be sure that there is one less scoundrel in the world. --Thomas Carlyle

If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?   --Vince Lombardi

At first, dreams seem impossible, then improbable, then inevitable.  --Christopher Reeve

There's always hope . . . ha ha ha ha . . . ha ha ha . . . he he . . .

86% of all statisticians truly hate their fucking job.

No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it. --Charles M. Schulz

Man is harder than iron, stronger than stone and more fragile than a rose. --Turkish proverb

Every man's work, whether it be literature or music or pictures or architecture or anything else, is always a portrait of himself. --Samuel Butler

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. You will then be afraid to cough.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

We must wait a period of time before considering passing any stupid laws. -- in response to the Virginia Tech massacre.

Gentlemen can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about leaving the toilet seat up by simply using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for three minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome. --Isaac Asimov

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. --Brendan Gill

A friend is a gift you give yourself. --Robert Louis Stevenson

I come to the office each morning and stay for long hours doing what has to be done to the best of my ability. And when you've done the best you can, you can't do any better. --Harry S. Truman

The self is not something that one finds. It is something that one creates. --Thomas Szasz

In every person who comes near you, look for what is good and strong; honor that. Try to imitate it and your faults will drop off like dead leaves when their time comes. --John Ruskin

It's okay if you mess up. You should give yourself a break. --Billy Joel

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves and it is not possible to find it elsewhere. --Agnes Repplier

A problem not worth praying about isn't worth worrying about. --Glen Wheeler

Babe Ruth hit more home runs than anyone. He also struck out more often than anyone.  --Unknown

Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten.  -B.F. Skinner

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions. --Joey Adams

The best portion of a good man's life is the little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love. --William Wordsworth

The mere act of believing that some wrongful course of action constitutes an advantage is pernicious. --Marcus Tullius Cicero

A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of. --Jane Austen

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is  stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just  jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes  suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly  distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are  more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty  things.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are  celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural  stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your  house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken  from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in  the butt are permanent.

"In times like these, it is helpful to remember that there have always been times like these." Paul Harvey

Arizona: God Forsaken.

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: Too Wimpy to Cross the Mountains So We Stopped Here

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only the Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Senior Citizen Discounts Available

Georgia: Confederate Money Welcome

Hawaii: Come, Get Lai-ed

Idaho: We Don't Care If You Spell Potato With an "E"

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: Don't Blame Us, We Voted For Dole

Kentucky: So many cousins, so little time.

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

Michigan: Land of the Free, Home of the Buick

Minnesota: 10 thousand Lakes...and 10 trillion Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come and Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars Hard at Work

Montana: It's Where You're Wanted

Nebraska: More Corn Than Kansas

Nevadae: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Mexico: We Really Are One of the 50 States!

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...

North Carolina: Tobacco Is a Vegetable

North Dakota: Um, We've Got, Um...Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!

Ohio: Home of Lake Erie and the Mistake by the Lake

Oklahoma: We're OK, You're NOT

Oregon: Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY an Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Edjucashun State

Texas: Si Hablo Ingles

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin: Say "Cheeeese"

Wyoming: Why Are You Here?

Kentucky: So many cousins, so little time.

Oklahoma: At least we ain't in Taxes.

NH: Live Freeze and Die

Wisconsin - "Highest personal taxes, lowest corporate taxes"

The bigger they are, the faster they stomp you into dirt.

Hypocondriac's headstone epitaph: "See?"

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

Save the world too often, it begins to expect it.

"We make our friends; we make our enemies; but God makes our next-door neighbour." G. K. Chesterton

In the summer time I like to sit in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

"True friends stab you in the front." Oscar Wilde

"One never needs their humor as much a when they argue with a fool." Chinese Proverb

Light travels faster than sound.This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

"There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for." Fred Hoyle

Birdseed . . . the ultimate cat toy.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.

That which doesn't kill, opens the door to 'payback'.

"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down." Woody Allen

Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

You go under without debt, you try again. You go under with debt, you won't be able to try again.

"I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean." G. K. Chesterton

Been there. Done that. I have the T-shirt to prove it

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

"Oh, they have the internet on computers now!" Homer Simpson

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime.

Paper is always strongest at the perforations.

No one feels as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

If nobody knows the troubles you've seen, then you don't live in a small town.

To err is human, to forgive ... unlikely.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean.

Comedian: You laugh on the outside, but inside you harbor a bitter resentment toward people who have enough money for food.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9:00 PM.

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with once you see it my way.

I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

It sounds like English but I can't understand a word you're saying.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

This isn't an office. This is hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid but you're abusing the privilege.

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

The best part about procrastination is that you are never bored, because you have all kinds of things that you should be doing.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Usually I try to take it one day at a time, but lately several have attacked me at once.

Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

Why not have your cake and eat it too - it's cake, what else are you going to do with it?

Some people have a way with words, while others... erm... thingy.

Every time I try to laugh at life, it comes out as a high pitched hysterical giggle.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

"Some of the worst mistakes in my life have been haircuts." Jim Morrison

Having a no smoking section in a restaurant is like kind of like having a no peeing section in a swimming pool.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

Old age ain't no place for sissies.

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. Then find a woman so he doesn't have to do it again.

"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better."

"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."

Kid Fact: Play-Doh and microwaves should not even be used in the same sentence.

"The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes."

Here at First National, you're not just a number--you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

"Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves."

"There are no secrets to success: Don't waste time looking for them. Success is the result of perfection, hard work, learning from failure, loyalty to those for who you work, and persistence." ~ General Colin Powell

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

I want to die in my sleep like my friend....  Not screaming hysterically like the passengers in his car...."

"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

Texas -- Where the men are men and so are the women.

Arizona -- Demonstrating the true meaning of the word 'Godforsaken'.

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"

"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"

"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! "

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"i souport publik edekasion"

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."

"2 + 2 = 3/ 5 for extremely large values of 2."

"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles."

"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

"People are never so near playing the fool as when they think themselves wise."

I love to give homemade gifts ...  umm, which one of the kids would you like?

"No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made. Destiny is made known silently."

"But he that dare not grasp the thorn should never crave the rose."

"Character builds slowly, but it can be torn down with incredible swiftness."

When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider dating outside the family.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Life can only be understood backwards but it must be lived forwards.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

A true friend is one who thinks you're a good egg even though you're half-cracked.

The Moral Majority is neither.

If you ate pasta and anti pasta, would you still be hungry?

"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the Universe."

Civilization: Going from shoeless toes to toeless shoes.

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."

You go on ahead, I'll see you at the next light.

People tell me I'm childish but they're just being poopyheads.

"I got a lot of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck."

"Life consists of what man is thinking about all day."

"Time is at once the most valuable, and the most perishable of all our possessions."

"It matters not how a man dies, but how he lives."

"I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship."

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

"No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted."

"Everybody is talented, original, and has something important to say."

"Imagination is more important than knowledge."

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Anarchy is better than no government at all.

People will believe anything if you whisper it.

Long periods of drought are always followed by rain.

We come to love by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

Air bags: Inflation we can live with.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.

Insurance covers everything except what happens.

The less you know... the less misinformed you are!

"The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere."

Where there's a will... I want to be on it.

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children cope with teenagers of their own!

You can go anywhere you want, if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Girlfriends are like credit cards, you can't get one unless you already have one.

"The heart has arguments with which the logic of the mind is not acquainted."

"Honesty is the key to a relationship.  If you can fake that, you're in."

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch

"May you live all the days of your life."

"Predictions are difficult, especially about the future."

My Karma Ran Over My Dogma

"Fear of misfortune is worse than misfortune itself."

"Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money."

We're not 'running in place', We're 'holding the line'.

I'm thankful for laughter, except when the milk comes out of my nose.

My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.

Paranoia makes you strong.

The older I get, the better I was.

What boots up must come down.

Virtual reality is its own reward.

There's no place like http://www.home.com.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Accomplishing the impossible ONLY means the boss will add it to your regular duties.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

"Beware of little expenses. A small leak will sink a great ship."

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use." ~ Galileo Galilei

If winners never quit and quitters never win, what fool made up the expression 'Quit while you're ahead?'

Just remember...If the world did not suck, we would all fall off!

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either."  ~ Jack Benny

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

The best way to get even is to forget.

"A man never discloses his own character so clearly as when he describes another's."  ~ Jean Paul Richter

"The optimist sees opportunity in every danger; the pessimist sees danger in every opportunity." ~ Sir. Winston Churchill

"If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?"

The best defense against logic is stupidity.

"The time is always right to do what is right."

"The only man who is a bigger fool than the one who knows it all is the one who will argue with him."

Spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous.

It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill -- just add a little dirt.

The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.

God is dead and Elvis is still alive?

A turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.

"Things should be made as simple as possible, but not any simpler."

"Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing."

"Problems cannot be solved at the same level of awareness that created them."

"Strange is our Situation Here Upon Earth"

"If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor."

"An empty stomach is not a good political advisor."

"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."

"I never think of the future. It comes soon enough."

"Try not to become a man of success but rather to become a man of value."

"The faster you go, the shorter you are."

"The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once."

"Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character."

"Only a life lived for others is a life worth while ."

You never realize who your true friends are until your fake ones show you."

The only thing worse than an enemy who's quick is an enemy who's patient.

The only thing worse than a lover who doesn't understand you is one who does.

True friends can grow separately without growing apart.

All logical questions will be considered insubordination.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Get over it.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left.

My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

I finally got my head together; and now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.

I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Teach a man the internet and you'll be rid of him for weeks.

When you find 'Mister Right', make sure his first name isn't 'Always'.

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

"Think you can, think you can't; either way, you'll be right."  ~ Henry Ford

"Who, in their infinite wisdom, decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother." ~ Erma Bombeck

"The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."

"Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them."

To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.

If someone betrays you once, it is his fault; If he betrays you twice, it is your fault

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to.

My family is more dysfunctional than your family.

Jesus is coming--look busy!

Jesus is coming ---  and boy is he pissed.

God is coming and, boy, is she pissed!

I had my car's alignment checked. It's chaotic evil!

Give me chocolate and no one gets hurt.

Ladies Anarchist Sewing Circle and Terrorist Society.

Warning! Driver is Blonde and will change her mind without warning!!!

My other car is a broom.

Witches do it in circles.

Resurrection? Been there, done that.

I was seduced by the chocolate side of the force.

I haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

Please don't make me slap you.

Duct tape is like the force: it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Once you have pulled the pin from Mr. Grenade, he is no longer your friend.

Very funny, Scotty: Now beam down my clothes!

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

To accomplish great things, we must dream as well as act.

Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow.

It takes courage to lead a life. Any life.

What's another word for 'thesaurus?

The two hardest things to handle in life are failure and  success.

Success has ruined many a man.

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

Friends come and go, enemies linger.

Do not wish to be anything but what you are.

Friends and wine should be old.

We only do well the things we like doing.

I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are.

If vegetarians truly love animals, why do they eat all their food?

Progress is not created by contented people.

You may delay, but time will not.

Action will remove the doubts that theory cannot solve.

The future is no more uncertain than the present.

There's nothing there in the dark that's not there in the dark.

It's easier to do than to understand.

When we are not sure, we are alive.

You have to have a dream so you can get up in the morning.

A danger foreseen is half avoided.

Humor acts to relieve fear.

You are all you will ever have for certain.

Why do we press harder on the remote when we know the battery is dead?

EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it.

Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections.

Success is counted sweetest by those who never succeed.

Contentment is worth more than riches.

Your status in hell is determined by the honor guard you take with you.

Anyone can have an off decade.

Oh no, not another learning experience!

Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.

People who never get carried away should be.

Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.

He is well paid that is well satisfied.

Happiness is action.

It is easier to visit friends than to live with them.

If you want to kill time, try working it to death.

All glory comes from daring to begin.

I can't say I was ever lost, but I was bewildered once for three days.

Everyone has a right to be stupid.  Some just abuse the privilege.

i'M NEW TO THIS. wHAT IS THIS "cAPS lOCK" BUTTON FOR?

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

In youth we learn; in age we understand.

One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.

A person who has not done one half his day's work by ten o'clock, runs a chance of leaving the other half undone.

Whatever is worth doing at all, is worth doing well.

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Grandma's advice: Do your best and leave the rest.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished...

Men have feelings too (but who really cares)

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

No one should live by the early bird policy without finding out whether he classifies as a bird or a worm.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I wake up.

It begins when you sink into his arms and ends with your arms in the sink.

Robert Pontano, Where are you? and who are you?

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.

I think, therefore I'm single.

When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

He who stops being better stops being good.

The brightest things you ever say are those you think about the next day.

"In soloing- as in other activities-it is far easier to start something than it is to finish it."

"Success is the satisfaction of feeling that one is realizing one's ideal."

Nothing needs reforming so much as other people's habits.

Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans."

The only good thing my mother-in-law ever did was object to my marriage."

"It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail."

"The pleasure of criticizing robs us of the pleasure of being moved by some very fine things."

When your ship comes in, make sure you are willing to unload it.

Nothing Is So Strong As Gentleness

And Nothing Is So Gentle As Real Strength

Only one shopping day left until tomorrow!

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Rarely is the question asked:  Is our children learning?

I think we agree, the past is over.

Genius is nothing but a greater aptitude for patience.

I think there is only one quality worse than hardness of heart, and that is softness of head.

Procrastination is the thief of time.

There is no dishonor in rethinking a problem.

Meditation is not what you think.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."

Coffee, Chocolate, Lovers . . . Some Things Are Just Better Rich.

Don't give me attitude, I've already got attitude.

There are three kinds of people:  those who can count & those who can't.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will be determined sufficient.

Sex appeal is 50% what you got and 50% what people think you got.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

Life is a journey, not a destination.

Women dress for women and undress for men.

My interest is in the future, because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.

Don't let other people tell you what you want.

Fashion's fade ~ Style is eternal.

Man may have discovered fire, but women cook.

Maybe some people aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with.

The new millennium. You can't just toss your lovers anymore, you have to recycle them.

Whatever can go wrong . . . Oh, you know this one?

"If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame."

A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one."

"Never test the depth of the water with both feet."

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new.  Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers:  They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Attempt the impossible to improve your work.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

I don't get even, I get odd.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

Dijon vu -- the same old mustard as before.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Not afraid of heights -- afraid of widths.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

I have kleptomania.  When it gets bad, I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make one gain five pounds.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

The real art of conversation is to say the right thing at the right time, and also to leave unsaid the wrong thing.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.  Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change ready.

Be nice to your kids . . . they'll be the ones choosing your nursing home.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

I wanted to have money, not earn it.

The secret to success is to work half days! And it doesn't matter which 12 hours you work.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Where there's a will, there's a lawsuit.

Where there's a whip, there's a way.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Sometimes I sit and think. Sometimes I just sit.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June flower.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so POPULAR?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

If you remember that friends change, you may change friends less.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Rejoice in every day not spent in hunger, pain, thirst, loneliness or desperation.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

When you lose don't lose the lesson.

Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, Respect for others, and  Responsibility for all your actions.

Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to conceal it.

Spend some time alone every day.

Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life.  Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

Share your knowledge.  It's a way to achieve immortality.

Be gentle with the earth.

Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Know that dreams really do come true and you have my Best Wishes in those.

Have a good day.

Anything done for another is done for oneself. --Pope Boniface VIII

Debt is the slavery of the free. --Publilius Syrus

When one's own problems are unsolvable and all best efforts are frustrated, it is lifesaving to listen to other people's problems. --Suzanne Massie